Friday, December 19, 2008

This Post is About Sex.

That's fair warning to my father, wouldn't you say?

Those who know me know that, in my universe, sex is a high priority item. This being a family blog, I don't dwell on it. But my head's in the smut 80% of the time. Which is only about 50% as often as my husband's. Alas for me (at least right now), sex is all too related to leisure. Sex and leisure are so entwined, in fact, I have to remind myself occasionally that -as a full-time professional with a child and few family support structures - leisure is, well, a leisure. But sex is a choice.

We live in an age of over-scheduling and under-nurturing. Am I wrong in assuming half of you have spent the last week hunched over books to finish pre-holiday assignments? Or parties with workmates you no doubt appreciate but would rather leave at the office? Or desperately struggling to find a pocket of time to go buy a tree and then decorate said tree whilst listening to music that you've also struggled to find time to purchase via iTunes? And then there's the shopping for a whole bunch of things that may or may not inspire you.

Are you tired?

You know the season: A time of joy. Of thankfulness. Of pretty snowflakes.

Of chaos. Of family. Of kitchens needing constant tending because everyone is eating, like, nonstop and the cleaning is endless. Of feeling sick after. Of maybe loathing everyone you come into contact with. Of little opportunity for true (or even crappy) intimacy with your significant other.

At any rate, in a moment when the economy sucks, tensions are high - but when vacation time may soon be at hand - I advise you give a gift that's absolutely free. And guaranteed to be as pleasant to receive :-)

Suggested Accoutrements:

Significant Other (0ptional but recommended)
Broom Closet (optional)
Fun Toys that your kids shouldn't play with (optional)
Booze (optional but recommended)
Groovy music (0ptional but recommended)
Gorgeous underwear that makes you feel terrific and fits perfectly (not optional)

The key is in managing a way to feel free, bad ass, unfettered. Even if it's for 10 minutes. Even if you have to ignore the whining children whom this sexy feeling has somewhat counter intuitively precipitated. Even if you need to hide in the likely suboptimal broom closet (see above).

And, since this is a fashion blog, let's remind you that it is to your full advantage to wear only the most gorgeous lingerie starting right now until, well, forever. Or until New Year's Day. At the risk of seeming glib and reductionist: you have to feel hot to be hot. And hot undies may well do the trick. (Ahem, cashmere and latex and fur and mesh are also good. But this is Sexmas 101. I don't want to shock you.)

I could go on at length, but the potential for horrifying, inappropriate over share is ever increasing.

Let me leave you with 3 sexy song suggestions to get the ball rolling (ha!):

1. Best Instance: Sex with someone new
Song: Neal and Jack and Me
By: King Crimson
On: Beat

This whole album rocks in the way that only tracks produced in 1982 can. And I assure you the driving rhythm will get you where you need to go :-)

2. Best Instance: Sex when relationship is on the out
Song: Silver Springs
By: Stevie Nicks
On: Crystal Visions

(Ah, the most bittersweet kind.) Part stalker-ode, part nod to the way that people fuck things up when they really should just be fucking. If you aren't completely roped in by Stevie's impassioned wails, you are a stone.

3. Best Instance: Sex with someone you don't intend to get rid of
Song: I've Been Thinking
By: Handsome Boy Modeling School / Sung by Cat Power
On: White People

I know, I too think Cat Power has the least sexy sound out there, but on this song you will be amazed. And with an awesome shuffle groove and lyrics like: Slide, slide, slippity slide, You can hip hop and don't stop, you're just gonna want to put this one on loop.

You could also go with either half of David Bowie's catalog - I'm partial to Young Americans and Suffragette City. Or maybe just turn on Groove Salad and see what the computer throws at you.

No harm in working the delicious complexity of unfettered desire. If you've got some time, I mean. The frisson of lust is a force to be reckoned with, after all; a joyful life and passion are encoiled.

(Um, have I just found a plausible correlation between sentience and good underwear??)


  1. lol
    This is pretty far out.
    I will have to try one of those song notwithstanding 'when' it should be used..:)

  2. I'm having trouble visualizing some of what you are describing. Maybe some convenient illustrations would help? Out of strictly academic interest of course.

    hmmm... plaid skirt and white stockings...

    Never mind.

  3. If only we could get some time alone!

  4. "(Um, have I just found a plausible correlation between sentience and good underwear??)"

    If by sentience you mean self-awareness then perhaps. The myth of Adam and Eve adopting fig leaves after eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge is sometimes taken to mean that they acquired 'shame' when they acquired knowledge. The knowledge they acquired amounted to self-knwoledge, AKA self awareness, AKA sentience.


  5. I think booze is required, not optional.

  6. Since we don't have kidmas we are going with sexy Christmas as you described on my post about Christmas is for the children. I am downloading your suggestions to my Ipod and dumping the Christmas carols. I totally love this post!!! You, my friend, are the best. This is why I don't want you to write just about fashion.K.line out of the box are some of my favorite posts.

  7. I love this post! Excuse me while I go get it on!


  8. "Sex with someone you don't intend to get rid of" cracked me up.

    OK, Gorgeous Underwear Queen, I challenge thee: Find me a fantastic, sexilicious bra with push-up and padded powers. My girls are ridiculous on their own, and there's no way I'm coming over to the fancy panty side until you prove to me that there is lacy lingerie for the lacking of boob. ;)

  9. A lock on the bedroom door is essential for all parents.

  10. Songy: Don't limit yourself! :-)

    D.: My husband figured Monkey would be the one to suggest that :-) And I had no idea I was so profound!!

    E: Enter broom closet :-)

    Wendy: I never want it to be said that I'm promoting alcoholism :-)

    Bel: I'm so happy you like the post. It's a bit out there, so I was concerned you'd all think I'm a nut (or a slut)! You download these and let me know if you want some others. I know you're gonna be doing it for all the parents out there!!

    CC: By all means!

    OK, Ms. Sal: You are on. Give me a few days. I'm gonna hook you up with the best underwear ever. Now it won't cost under 10 bucks but I'm betting Husband M may foot the bill!

    Janet: Wiser words were rarely spoken.

  11. Haha, great post! I'm afraid this particular leisure activity has, erm, moved to the sidelines a bit this last week. Husband is crazy-busy at work and photographing a wedding this weekend, I was frantically finishing up the thesis. So this is a timely reminder to get it on! ;)

  12. Tehee, i so totally agree - i guess people just don't prioritize it which means intimacy goes down the drain along with the relationship. As a gift for myself (and perhaps the significant other in my life) i'm going through the undie drawer, throw away those old ones us girls always seem to keep for no reason, before heading down to the ol' lingerie dept to pick up some new bits and pieces :)

  13. You forgot Boyzone "I had a picture of you"

    What a brilliant post! And it is free! well, except for the underwear
    but husbands and Significant others; don't buy anything that one could safely find in a shop window on the Reeperbahn; Think Silk, NO CANDIDA NYLON OR POLYESTER, think conceal to reveal (no peepholes or missing crotches)

    If a lady feels sexy, she will be sexy.

    And K- I am about 75% more boobagely challenged than Sal. I could leave my water bra upstairs and come down and eat icecream without Mr Hammie noticing I've gone.

    So work on that project times two!

  14. I'm not sure that I could love you any more than I do now after reading this post. Hubba hubba.

  15. Brilliant Post.. And... Excellent advice. No kiddies but I do have a pup who tries to squeeze in the dogie door- my ultimate, loved music for any kind of sexmas is SADE "Is it a Crime".. and who can argue with Stevie.. I was like 14 trucking around with said BF 17 jamming to Stevie and Bad Company.. I am so 30!

  16. true true and true. It's free. It's great. It makes you feel great. However, the same goes in our house but opposite. I am about 50% and he is about 99%!!! great post.

  17. Excellent! Love this! But finding the time to get it on? Hmmm...well, I know what I'll be asking for for Christmas...

  18. Adam and Eve: the great christian myth of underpants.

  19. Andrea: If I can promote sex in the southern hemisphere, I'm on it!

    Jenn: THat's a great idea. We all need to do that occasionally!

    Hammie: I hope I met your needs with my last two posts. I'm gonna download that song stat.

    Ah, Monkey, I'm glad I didn't disappoint :-)

    GJ: I LOVE Is it A Crime. Great suggestion!

    Thanks Seeker.

    Maegan: Here's hoping you'll put that new time on your hands to some good use :-)

    Tanya: It's tough with the toddlers, seriously. But I have faith that Santa will bring you some good lovin'!

    D.: You're hilarious.