Saturday, December 11, 2010

Goddess, Thy Name is Jessica

OK, I've now worn the Goddess long line bra and here's what I can tell you:
  • It's not as tight as it initially appears. It's just very awkward to do up because of the boning.
  • It's extremely textured, so it's not going to work under something slim, unless you don't mind seeing bones and lace on the right side of your thin cashmere.
  • The cups are crazy - and I don't say that lightly. I cannot imagine a breast that will be long enough to fill them out. Oh, I know there are women to fit every bra. But I've never observed a breast (and I've seen lots of them) that would work with this wide-to-long ratio. Because of it, the cup fits a good size up (maybe a size and a half). You'll observe, even in the photo of the bride from the post referenced above, the model isn't filling the bottom of the cup. The only way, it strikes me, that this product hasn't gone the way of extinction (or improvement) is that this isn't an every day item for the modern woman. Someone wearing it twice a year isn't going to quibble over the extra i.e. unused bottom cup length if the overall shape works because of the cup boning.
  • Really, not to harp, but I've given this a lot of thought. Are "full figured" women - which one assumes cannot squeeze into a 34 back that fits more like a 32 - of generally different breast shape? I've never seen a large woman with large breasts up close and personal. Large woman, small breasts? Check. Small woman, large breasts? Check. Maybe the Goddess sloper is for large backs and large chests and the designers haven't scaled the shape of the cups for the 34 back size-purchaser?
  • Because the fabric is so sturdy, and because of the cup boning, you can get away with wearing this despite the length of the cups - but why? IMO, a bra's got to fit. All the way around.
  • The majority of my body fat hangs out below my navel and above my pubic bone. Can't tell you how unattractive it is to have the bottom stay stop right above that. The look is totally "slim Krissie-meets-tube of toothpaste". Note to readers: I'm beginning to think that for women of my shape, the body suit is a much better alternative. It doesn't suck it all in as much, but it doesn't emphasize one's (seriously pasty-white) tummy.
  • My husband gets brownie-points for telling me, unasked - and sincerely, that he doesn't feel the corset does anything to make me seem shaplier above the lower abdomen. In his opinion, I am always the shape that the corset emphasises, just as much as the corset emphasises, so it's not worth wearing. He totally concurs that the figurative arrow pointing to my "belly button bunny hill" is really unfortunate.
I suspect it's going to be more trouble than it's worth to return this - especially given my current difficulty walking - so it's likely sticking around. I may deconstruct it, eventually, and try to recreate it. (Sometimes I write sentences that seem completely insane on second reading. Hmmm, since I can't yet figure out how to make a bra that actually fits me, perhaps I'll tear apart an insanely complex piece of lingerie that also doesn't fit me and try to come up with a workable garment. That makes perfect sense!)

Another option is that I may offer it up to a reader of the appropriate stats. Something tells me there will not be a lot of takers. If your back is that small and your tits are that big, you are likely related to Jessica Rabbit.

So here's what I suggest: If you have Jessica proportions (Rabbit or Simpson), drop me a line and you might be the beneficiary of a new long line bra.


  1. Maybe you don't need a longline bra, maybe you need a girdle (horrid sounding word). Sears carries them and this one comes in a wonderful white colour -imagine a bride in that. ;)

    I think most women have that little bunny hill south of their belly button. If they don't, they may be like you and not need the assistance provided by the longline bra.

  2. Sorry your bra didn`t work out for you, but have you though about maybe getting something custom made? I am pretty sure there are places here in the city (Toronto) that do custom could have them make one that is really more bra than corset.
    I feel your pain about having things shipped here. So expensive, and we have to wait sooo long.

  3. well please forgive me, but this made me laugh!!! i JUST ordered a couple of bras from that figleaves place, and i have high hopes. but perhaps i should lower my expectations, and hope that they accept returns if things don't work out. it is REALLY hard to find the perfect bra. i want the lift of a sports bra, and sexy to the nth power, and comfortable, too, and all of this for under $50 please! lol

    p.s. the last family portrait i have is from the 80's and it is ridiculous! if i find it i can send it to you, but it would just horrify you. lol

  4. Well, dang! Sorry it's not working out. I prefer a "body" myself and I have a shaper panty the goes all the way up under my breasts and it has boning from the top down to where it hits the hips. I LOVE that thing!!

    BTW, my order from Figleaves is on it's way. I ordered another bra and panty set, too. I've never tried the brand so we'll see how that goes...

  5. Sox: I think you may be right!

    Farah: That's a great idea. I'm going to look around...

    J: Let me know when you get the bras - I hope they fit! (But sometimes you have to return a couple of times while you're figuring out the brand sizing. Don't let it deter you!)

    Heather: I wanna know when it arrives!

    Wendy: Let's call it "the seat of feminine power" and leave it at that :-)

  6. I'll for sure let you know! I'm STILL waiting...

  7. Ahh, the bunny hill. I get really frustrated at ladies underpinnings that don't account for that.

  8. Yeah...I tried the longline bra with a formal dress. They are evil! My long torso doesn't help. Underwear is so complicated! Maybe that's why I stick to jeans and tees, lol.

  9. Our Heroine: It doesn't seem to matter whether one is long- or short-waisted. Those things are challenging!