Sunday, December 26, 2010

Feast or Famine

I'm writing this on my new MacBook Air, which is everything they say it is, and cute. If I were a computer, I'd want to be this one. My husband has really pulled it back from the edge after leaving me for dead (metaphorically) when I first sustained the foot injury. While he may not have taken it seriously at first, he's bucked up by massaging my ankle and leg, physiotherapy-style, for hours each evening, taking care of all the mobile-elements of family life (i.e., shuttling the kid) and gifting me with top of the line technology.

I think it's safe to say I'm going to postpone the divorce.

In the true spirit of Xmas, however, this post is not about the loot but about the food. For the last two days I have eaten a shocking variety of things that can only be deemed artery-blockers.

I'm not one of those people who frowns on gluttony. No ma'am. Give me your fried, crispy masses. Pastry that gleams with butter. My heart flutters at a perfect cake crumb. I can eat a round of brie.

Seriously. On Xmas eve, we had wild mushroom brie fondue that takes a pound of rinded cheese. Generally it serves 4 till they're stuffed beyond compare. M was sick, so she wasn't eating. Scott just humoured me by eating it. There was but a small amount left yesterday for me to pair with crackers while I drank a bottle of Vouvray (this is hard to find at a decent price and it's so clear and ringy, though far sweeter than the wine I generally choose). I drank it over 8 hours, fyi. This is to say nothing of the struesel cake I ate for breakfast yesterday morning. (Is anything better for breakfast than homemade coffee cake??).

The thing is that Scott's Xmas capon takes a zillion hours to cook. We were three, but he bought a 10 pound bird. Don't ask. In fact, we tried - on a whim, yesterday morning - to invite 8 people over to share it with us. Alas, they had already started to cook their own Xmas dinner at 10 am. Anyway, by 4 p.m. I was really hungry and I had to eat some ridiculous quantity of prosciutto.

By 7 p.m. the capon was juicy, delicious ready with roasted veggies. They managed to be soft on the inside and crunchy, oily on the outside. My fave combo. I won't lie - I ate an ounce of capon and half a pan of veggies - if you can call onions, carrots and potatoes soaked in grease "veggies".

The pan generally serves 6-8.

Scott and his friend of 35 years have a term to describe extreme, painful, disgusting first-world fullness. It's called "klunk" and you can use it as a verb or a noun or an adjective, your choice. To say I was klunk at this moment does not begin to express how I felt. I really thought I might throw up (which is a horrifying thing in my book). Scott felt my stomach and seemed alarmed by its distension.

At which point I decided I would never eat again.

I sense I'm about to break the fast (it has been 12 hours), but I'm going to do it with a hard boiled egg and a slice of cheddar. Though that cake continues to call. (Don't worry - I'm over it. I still feel vaguely nauseated, thankfully.)

Why am I telling you this? Why am I admitting to this horrendous level of gluttony? I'd like to say something like it's to make you feel better about your own holiday ingestion indiscretions, but who are we kidding?? I think it unlikely that any of you have crossed the line as I have. Maybe I'm looking for that one crazy reader who can match me in the stupid eating department? Maybe I am seeking absolution? Who can say.

So here's to hot water with lemon, green salad and chicken soup. Which reminds me, I have to transform those leftovers into a stew fit for a queen. Have I mentioned that my chicken soup is legendary?


  1. Nom nom. I was definitely klunk last night. Fortunately none of the relatives who were visiting were particularly gustatorial, so although we had the full turkey spread, there was not much in the way of extras this year.

    The kids did get to indulge their taste for expensive cheeses, though. And Santa stuffed my stocking with Toblerones in every conceivable size. >_<

  2. I'm glad I'm not alone in holiday over-indulgence. And I've been picking at things all day today!

    Congrats on your new computer. Enjoy!

  3. I'm still jealous of your new MacBook Air!

    I gorged myself pretty much the whole time I was in Toronto and could barely squeeze into the jeans I'd brought (which are the most generous of my jeans) by the end of the trip. Skinny cords were out of the question due to seven consecutive days of near-klunk.

  4. I guess this is where that whole I'm-too-durn-picky-for-my-own-good thing comes in handy. ;-) I don't care for turkey or ham (which in my family are the only two options), and aside from rolls and mashed potatoes, could pretty much ignore the other side dishes as well. And if I'm only eating rolls and mashed potatoes, I can't eat any sweets without being I don't really pig out on holidays. However, I don't hold it against others who do--it's kind of part of the tradition.

    I'm totally jealous of your new MacBook Air, though the whole lack of CD capability makes me a bit nervous (though I never use the one on my MBP). So it sounds like he's a keeper. ;-)

  5. OK: You've all done a great job at making me feel vaguely less hideous about myself :-)

    CGC: Well that *is* fortunate :-)

    Ya'll, the Mac Air is really amazing and I don't care about the lack of CD capability. I never use them either.