Monday, September 29, 2008

Dramatic Reenactment of a Scene that Never Happened*

* Or did it? :-)

(Ed Note: The performance artist in me has been seeking a minuscule fissure in the veneer of personal correctness behind which we conduct most of our life. Apparently, she's found it... Matt (the world's sexiest guy who knows about shoes) has generously agreed to let me use a montage of pics he sent me recently. Of course, he has no idea in what crazy context he's about to be portrayed. Thank you Mattie! Or sorry...)

The year is 1987. George Michael plays endlessly on AM radio. Cell phones are the size of Geiger counters. Hair is the height of cell phones. Girls just wanna have fun.

Except this one:

She prefers to imagine fun. Everything she knows about fun she learned from Hollywood Husbands, which she hides under her mattress lest the housekeeper discover it while tidying up. Frankly, fun concerns her. But not enough to put the book down.

Next door, a boy moves in. He's from Australia, visiting relatives for the summer. He's older and mysterious with an accent she can barely understand. Occasionally, they chat on his porch. For some reason, her reminds her of Jack Python. He's got a number of friends though he's only just arrived. They all go driving together and, when they get back, his friends seem quite amused. They think she's prissy. They try to set him up with other girls. He seems to like those girls. His interest in our heroine wanes.

But she can't seem to get him out of her mind. What is it? Boredom? Infatuation? Hormones? Slowly, she realizes, it might benefit her to change her ways. She considers how Madonna might approach this dilemma. She buys some new shoes:

She wonders how on earth one walks in these things - and what to wear them with:

A binge at the mall, during which she spends all of her birthday money from the last 3 years, yields some choice finds. They make her punchy...

...Increase her confidence:

She buys some makeup. Tries a cigarette. Considers him while she's smoking. Smokes some more.

One day, on the way to the library, she runs into him on the street. He tells her how, um, different she looks. His friend, who's with him, does not make fun of her after she continues on her way. Instead he stares at her well-proportioned bottom. He suggests our hero invite her to the Motley Crue concert that Saturday night. He's welcome borrow his friend's Camaro:

(Apparently the back is roomier than it looks.)

She says yes, and begins to assemble a suitable get-up. This, to match the car?:

Or this?:

What will he wear, she wonders? A knock at the door reveals it:

He really does have the hottest biceps.

And his shoes are freakin' awesome.

You gotta know that, like every good smutty book, this doesn't end well. But it sure is fun while it lasts.


  1. Language failing, all I can say is hubba hubba hubba hubba.

  2. Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba all the way around.

  3. DAMN GIRL. I should've saved this read till I got home from work.

  4. What I was needing K :D
    I also say language failing....
    A soooooo delighted to read and to see....


  5. Brilliant - very funky and very funny!!

  6. Hilarious, and also super HOT.

    PS. Just don't let him buy you a beer or 7 or you may miss a day's blogging...

  7. Bravo! I want more of the story.

  8. Thank you so much K for your nice and kind words of support, that really touched me.
    Take care

  9. hehe funny... those stripy man shoes are hilarious!

  10. figures he comes knocking on your door in ZEBRA print!

  11. Big hair in the 80's I did that in Middle School.. and you are, as always looking very swanky miss...

    The Zebra....print...hello Rod Stewart.... I always look forward to see what you'll post next = )

  12. Oh my goodness - what a great story - oh la la girl! Very much love your oversized yellow tshirt!

  13. hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahah...then some more....hahahahahahahahahahaha!

    I've been squawking like a madman (Imelda Mike came running to join in the fun and he's warned that should I go missing he knows where to come looking), this was better than I knew it was going to be.

    Btw - I didn't force Skye to drink those 12 beers...I swear I didn't!

  14. Thank you everyone! I was nervous posting such a bizarre (if aiming-to-be-creative) post. And, natch, special thanks to our gorgeous guest, Matt.

    Dr. M and Enc: Why thank you!! I like to think of you as my great mind fanclub thinking alike :-))

    Sal: I try to be PG, really :-)

    Seeker: Thank you. Anything to get you out of the doldrums. I hope you're going to be feeling back to your normal self soon.

    Thanks, MDM. So pleased I found your blog recently. Of course it took me a while!

    Skye: Something tells me he's a terrible influence! Thanks for your lovely compliment.

    Wendy: One scenario at a time. It actually took so long to pull this together. Though it was super fun.

    Thanks, Miss C.

    Esme: I think Matt's whole ensemble is animal genius!

    Y: I know, I know :-)

    Thanks GJ, ah, middle school. It seems like just yesterday :-)

    Please Sir: Thanks so much. Scarily, I think the oversized T is supposed to be a dress. It's a very good beach cover up :-)

    Matt: I'm so glad you approve. I was worried! And tell Imelda Mike I'm just a harmless flirt :-) PS: I bet you used your evil magic to get Skye to drink those beers :-)

  15. Wow those elf shoes are AMAZING!!!! You wear thm so well :)

  16. Ahm, K, I've just ordered you a copy of Brokeback on ebay, can you give me an up to date mailing address? I think there is something you should know...
    (You look fab in those outfits, I sooo have to try this yoga craic)

  17. Yiqin: Thanks. I don't get to wear them as much as I'd like, what with them being entirely impractical!

    Hey H: Sent you my address. Inquring minds want to know! Thanks for your lovely comment...

    Janet: I need some time to get over the first project! :-)

    Why thank you Songy!

  18. I'm slightly afraid our heroine sold out and kinda convinced she became empowered instead...either way, brilliant post!

  19. Love it all K!!! Fabulous post, great outfits and styling shoes!!!

  20. Rebecca: Don't think I didn't struggle with that! It's really hard to do a story post, though. Feminist subtext just didn't make the cut :-) I want you to know, in my mind, our heroine is empowered by her sexual awakening. It goes on to serve her well in her life.

    Thanks so much, B!

  21. Such a "Grease" moment. And those shoes! Oh La la! LOVE it! You know you quite seriously rock yes?

  22. Siri: Don't think I've seen you here before. I love Norwegian style! Thanks for your lovely comment.

    SKM: I thought you might appreciate my inner subversive exhibitionist :-) Coming from you this is a true compliment! Hope you have fun on the travels...