The day after I bought the Club Monaco denim, asymmetric, button down mini skirt, I joyfully wore it to work (with the champagne gladiators - very good look). I said to my husband: How do I look?, and with nary a hesitation he advised that it was pulling over my hideous stomach lump - I mean, he didn't call it that, to clarify. That's me editorializing. He called it - kind of boringly - "your midsection".
At first, I cursed him for his meanness. Then I considered that perhaps he's learned a lesson or 2 from me, the woman who doesn't mince words when he asks how I like what he's wearing. A bad lesson. Then I had to concede he was correct - there was a slight pull over the space between the button at the waist and the first button below that. That space encompasses the entirety of my stomach lump. I'd like to tell you it's the result of childbirth but I'd be lying. It's just a feature of my proportions.
I should mention that it is not a terrible thing. When I'm naked, I actually think it's a nice curve. The top part of my stomach - from breasts to belly button - is flat, even toned. The fleshy lump, well that's just genetics. And cake. It makes me feel connected to my latin roots. Of course, in this respect I'd be just as happy to feel connected to WASPy flat stomach roots I don't have.
If there's one part of my body I'm willing to speak negatively about, it's the tummy. And that's stupid, as all the "love your body" bloggers would have you know. If this is my biggest "flaw" well then I might as well shut up because it doesn't impinge on my ability to enjoy fashion, eating or my life in ANY WAY.
Let's get back to the point of this post, shall we?
I wore the skirt to work. I fretted all day about the pull. I held file folders in front of me as I talked to co-workers. They asked why I was holding file folders strangely in front of my stomach. When I took the folders away, everyone commented on my great new skirt and then - on observing the asymmetry at the hem - said: Did you make it yourself?
I mean, WTF? Of course I didn't make it myself. It's the style peeps. Have you not looked at any fashion blogs in the last 12 months?
I don't want you to think that these brief setbacks undercut my love of the skirt in any way. I don't care what people think of asymmetry. I bought it because I think it's great. I suspect a different crowd will respond to it differently. (PS - I know without a doubt, that no one was aiming to insult me in any way...)
I knew exactly how to solve the problem of the pull, naturally, it's not like I just got off the boat with this stomach. The key - and you may know this if you have a little lump type of stomach typical of latin culture - is to put a snap (a sturdy one) - between the buttons. I didn't do this myself. My DIY skills are limited to chair reupholstery. :-)
I took the skirt to Julie, my alterations person, and she fixed the problem in 5 minutes. For $5.00. And, while I watched her, I learned a key new lesson: If you have "the tummy", put the snap towards the inside of the place where the buttons join. If you put it flush with the buttons, the pull will persist because that's the zone of "highest tug" (technical term, you realize).
I got home and tried the skirt on again. The pull was entirely gone. The denim fit smoothly (and snug-ly) around my waist and below. It was just as if the thing were made for me.
Note, I said "for me" - not "by me". Just so we're clear.