I'm right on the cusp of completing Phase 1 of my most professional professional experience to date. Let's put the emphasis on the fresh, which is the complete opposite of how I feel right now. Knowing that I'm going to have to return to this project again, reasonably soon, is somewhat deflating. But I'd be lying by omission if I didn't say that I've kicked some serious ass, by my own standards, and I've received some pleasing recognition.
I've always been the smart one. I'm comfortable with that label. I love critical thinking and learning and problem-solving and achieving outcomes. Lord, I do love the end result. I am grateful every minute of every day for my cognitive buoyancy. But, man, did I push the limits over the last 8 weeks. There was no part of my brain that wasn't stretched to the edge, all the time. I worked constantly. I'm not embarrassed to say that I struggled a fuck of a lot. And while my work isn't going to result in world peace, I can hope that it will serve my fellow citizens in future. Not to mention that it's taught me ever more about my own motivations.
Right now I'm considering that age-old adage that, just cuz you can do something, doesn't mean you should. I'm trying to reconcile the sort of work I do at work with the sort of work I do at life and the pieces don't cleanly intersect. No freakin' surprise, I realize. I'm only the zillionth modern woman who's engaged with this conundrum.
In case you're curious, my pain condition has remained largely dormant, indicating to me yet again that, while stress is a factor in everything in life, pain for me is mostly about hormones and myofascial neurochemistry.
Mind you, my sense of self has been really eroded by the omnipresence of cortisol and adrenaline. Crafts have largely fallen by the wayside (don't worry, that's about to change). Friends are more of a construct than a reality right now. I haven't even had time to drink adequate quantities of wine (I'm so over any kind of weekday ban) because really, when one gets home at 10 pm, one does not have time to drink before bed?!
I'm taking 2 weeks off starting Monday. Till then, I'm wrapping up loose ends (of all the varieties - to wit, see pics below). I have some nascent sewing ideas that I do intend to put into action soon. Stay tuned for more about that... And on the boring (but weighing on me front), I also have to mend a couple of pairs of handmade socks (they'll be garbage soon, if I don't) and hem another pair of absurdly expensive jeans. I swear, I've lost all sense of balance when it comes to how much I spend on denim.
But really, what I've missed is the mental space - the time to be creative on my own terms, the time to do a really good yoga practice (that isn't only about shoring me up for the stress), the time to freakin' walk to work and stop in at my coffee shop to talk with my friends for 5 minutes while I have an espresso. The time to plan for fun.
Of course, an impending reno is not filling me with the sense of adventure I generally seek out. It's, um, a little too close to home. (BTW, don't ask about it. We're 10 weeks behind schedule and nothing is anticipated to start before August, which means we're going to live through this fucking tear down during a Canadian winter, God help me.) Plus, I've got some potentially expensive and time consuming activities I must undertake over the next couple of weeks - bureaucratic, expat-American stupidity. Whatevs, I'm not engaging till Monday. I just can't bring myself to worry about another fucking thing.
I'll leave you with a couple of photos of knitting projects I've completed over the last few weeks. It ain't much, or particularly exciting, but these little projects are my tether to the things that matter:
|Foolproof Take 2 - I love the colour combo...|
|And, made with the same purple (as shown in the Foolproof Cowl above), here's a new pair of socks.|