Monday, August 25, 2008

No It's Not Done Yet*

*aka the name of the opening number of K's Reno Isn't Fucking Funny Anymore, The Musical.

I haven't forgotten to update you about the new bathroom. I've been desperately hoping that I might do it, happily, at the natural conclusion of the project but, as far as I'm concerned, that time line has been and gone. So, at 3 a.m., woken by angry renovation dreams, I bring you the brief tale in playbill format...
  • Act One opens with the musings of a silly, naive girl who's excited by the idea that she might soon have - if she spends all kinds of borrowed money - a new bathroom to love.
  • Act Two climaxes with the duet (sung by our protagonist and her world-weary mother, formerly an interior designer), Six Weeks Is How Long it Takes (Before You Want To Hurt Somone)
  • Third Act Tear Jerker: For Someone So Vain, Where's My (Custom) Vanity
And here's a little snippet of the real showstopper, Porcelain Goddess:

I suppose I should be grateful, you're the only thing complete.
And I do love your efficiency, your designer lidded seat.
But fuck, if I'm not miserable at this specific junction.
You shouldn't be the only thing in the entire room to function.

My daughter, recent graduate of Triple Threat summer camp, will star in this little stage mother vehicle, whether she wants to or not.

Oh, and the costumes: freakin' awesome.


  1. and if she doesn't want to star in your 'moment of glory' then I have a horse whip that will convince her otherwise!

  2. Maybe you can get Imelda Matt to horsewhip (or Taser) into submission the foot-dragging people involved in your bathroom reno.

    If not, I will get them with my orangutan arms.

    I'm sorry this is going on so long.

  3. What a mission....sounds like even a chill glass of wine won't help here...good luck in getting it sorted, I'll send up a prayer for your sanity:)

  4. I'm in the process of basement renovations. I could only imagine that a bathroom is a hundred times more complicated. One day..........

  5. i am not looking forward to bathroom remodeling after the kitchen ordeal. good luck!

  6. Awesome rhyming, dear!
    And btw, I have huge hands too . . . So I can totally empathize and I agree that large cocktail rings were MADE for gals like us!


  7. If there's a chorus position open, I'd love to be considered.

  8. IM: You have all the best props!

    E: There's someone I am feeling especial antipathy for, as you know. Please crush her :-)

    Bronwyn: I've been working with the wine but it only takes the edge off for so long!

    Monique: The great thing about a basement is that it's far away from your bedroom, for example. And you don't need it to take a showere :-) But all renos are painful, as I understand it, so you have my empathy.

    Savvy: I was going to find some way to do the kitchen soon. Not so much any more.

    CC: Thank you. I was a bit concerned that I was like a crazy person at 3 this morning. I appreciate your vote of confidence :-)

    Cat: I think you should audition for the role of the fairy godmother who makes it all better with the wave of a wand!!

  9. I didn't follow all the story, but I know how remodelations are. Always gets more time that we expected.
    Hope everything will get in order soon. Good luck.


  10. Oh dear--how can one tiny room take so freaking long to do? So sorry for the aggravation!

  11. Ah but the finale will be a candlelit spectacular with bubbles.

  12. It's coming K', I suggest you get it copyrighted "Renovation, The Musical will make you a shiteload of money and you can stay in the Sheraton for the next one.
    We have been in touch with the Attic elves having been approved for a council sponsored conversion. We have to use a civil engineer (some crap about not sawing through supporting beams or somat') and while we await his magical advice the council has decided to cut back on disability grants; including pre-approved ones. (we are 18 months into the process, I think I could actually get homicidal on this one)
    So, you know, Good luck!

  13. Is there a scene where the protagonist takes to the tradies with a hammer?

  14. Ahhh, good times. Renovations always bring out the homicidal maniacs in people.

    I'm happy to do vocal harmonies, but count me out for any of the dancing numbers.

  15. Thank you Seeker. You sound like a woman who's been there and done that.

    Miss C: When you put the word custom in front of something, apparently that's code for "tack on 2 extra months".

    Thanks for your comment Natalia. I'll have to check out yours.

    MDM: Your optimism is fantastic!!

    Hammie: That puts it into perspective, for me, now doesn't it. What a miserable situation that is. I'd want to smack that engineer upside the head. I really hope they'll take this into account and let you keep the grant.

    SKM: I take it you've seen the rehearsals :-)

    Sal: Please join our cast as vocal coach! I promise to pay you in all kinds of food on a stick :-)