After Pertussis - A Review

It's been a while, so I thought I'd update you on how I'm feeling after Sickfest 12/13... You may recall, 8 months ago I contracted pertussis.

I'm happy to report that all acute symptoms are gone. I can breathe. I can sleep. I can eat. (Trust me, this one's not a problem.) I no longer cough from the pertussis. The ulcers on the back of my throat are gone. I don't look sick anymore.

But I'm not quite myself.

For starters, I won't touch anything (that isn't in my own sphere) without using some kind of barrier (gloves, clothes, paper towels). Yeah, I have become a crazy lady in this way. As I have no idea how on earth I contracted such a hideous sickness, given that I was in good health, I'm very anxious about - well - catching everything.

Now, many of you know that I am not the most sanguine of creatures at the best of times. Pretty classic-case germ-phobia is an ongoing thing for me. But this is a new kind of anxious - and mercifully one which I do feel slowly receding - accompanied by my utter horror to be around illness of any kind. Colds freak me out. Sick children, ditto. People who wear masks on the street almost do me in. I don't know if they're afraid of me or if I should be afraid of them.

I still have occasional challenges with throat mucous and "choking". My trachea is obviously still on a healing-curve. But it's like nothing compared with the serious phase of the illness.

Mouth ulcers are more prevalent. In truth, these were a challenge for me from childhood, as I used to get rounds of cluster canker sores for just about any reason. Then I had a baby, at which point they mysteriously went away and barely ever return. Mind you, they've been worse in the last while than they have been for years.

Then there's fatigue. I need a good 10 hours of sleep to function these days. I've always been an 8-9 hr person, but this is really off the charts. How does one accomplish anything?? I do sense that the summer, with its additional light, is going to be critical to my long-term return to total health.

In terms of my ability to focus, this is slowly but surely returning. Thank God. I really couldn't fix on anything there for a while. Thinking was tough. Acting on thoughts was tougher. Fatigue then inserted itself into the equation and made things tougher still.  On a related note: depression, caused by a term of Prednisone to keep my trachea from closing, and by intense sickness that sucked the will out of me, is happily a thing of the past. Alas, see above, anxiety, she lingers (well, she knows she's got a place at the table).

The final thing I've really noted is that my level of fitness has taken a huge hit. I'm a fairly fit person, though with ebbs and flows. I walk at least one way to work each day (40 minutes), I do yoga (though ever less frequently and intently, it would seem), I garden, I cycle. I'm one of those "real world" fit people - not one of those TV-fit people.

Mind you, having struggled to find the energy to walk some days, and having just tortured my body with a few hours of gardening I might formerly have taken for granted, I can say I have experienced notable waning of residual fitness (those youth points are wearing off) and even less motivation.

I intend to make this summer about rediscovering my body's strength, flexibility and focus. I must reconnect with that and, while I'm at it, I've got to stop eating sweets. As I started to get better, my palate changed. Protein is of little interest. All I want is carbs (preferably sweet ones). I can't stand certain foods I used to eat constantly, pre-sickness. For the last 3 months, I've surrendered to this urge. Partly, my sense of discipline - formerly very developed - has gone on a long vacation. Partly, I've been enjoying my appetite. Partly, I refuse to get fussed about something as stupid as food composition when the world is fleeting. However, I've returned to my former weight and my shape, usually toned at any weight, is rather dull and, well, unfit. So gotta get on that bandwagon. Sigh.

Since I got sick (beginning of Sept. 2012), I experienced a month of bad illness, 6 weeks of acute illness followed by another 2 months of feeling hideous constantly. Two months after that were about improvement, but in a phase of tremendous cold and dark. It's hard to return to yourself in a time of hibernation. The last 6 weeks have seen improvements on the energy and focus fronts (the other physical symptoms having largely abated) but I know I need more sun and warmth to complete the metamorphosis.

Anyway, that's an 8-month experience I could have done without. And yet, I am grateful DAILY to have had such a good healing-process, in the scheme of things. I haven't met many people who've had pertussis, but I suspect I'll be meeting more as children are vaccinated less frequently and, as adults with reduced immunity (given that their childhood vaccinations have waned) come into contact with them. Everyone I've met, though, having formerly experienced the illness, has physically shuddered while they described the intensity and length of the illness.

Don't get the vaccination for yourself - though, really, if you're even vaguely sickly at the best of times and moving towards your last third of life, it could kill you I suppose. Get it for the tiny, perfect baby who belongs newly to the person you sit next to at work. Get if for your grandmother, who's always been incredibly healthful but is now pushing 90. Get it for the person you sit next to on the subway, currently on radiation therapy though you'd have no way to know. Those are the people it's rather likely to kill. And then be very glad to know that you will never experience what I can tell you is a horrible thing. It's like a bonus.

Rich Fantasy Life

I suspect, in my memoir, I'll entitle this chapter "The Year I Spent at the Doctor's". Just got back, this time for M, who seemed to be getting better from her 10-day sickness but then coughed, seriously, for 4 hours straight last night (and increasingly over the last 3 days). We kept her home from school again today and Scott and I did "working people scheduling gymnastics", handing off at the doc's which is not particularly conveniently located for any of us. Now she's on antibiotics and a puffer - and expected to feel better over the weekend. I'm trying, admirably, to finish a presentation for work but there's whining in the background...

Have I mentioned this ever-increasingly recurring fantasy I have wherein I live in southern Italy, in a small town - my ancient (but refurbished) flat on a quiet, winding street? The ceilings are 20 feet high. The windows go from top to floor. Cooling drapes float in the mid-afternoon breeze. They keep the high, bright sun from encroaching overly. The palette favours cool-green, a washed-out, minty hue. The rooms are temperate, the day hot. I sit in my mid-century-meets-functional (but sleek) salon, with a rustic glass of Chianti. Hejira plays on the fancy stereo. On the wood plank, there's a loaf of crusty bread with the most lofty, bubbly interior. It's there to sample cheese I've never heard of, from the local farm, an hour away. Conversation with my husband is awesome. I am keenly aware of my great-fortune. I feel rested and healthy. Dinner reservations are at 8. That's enough time to drink the rest of the bottle and have some great sex...

Really, this miserable winter has to end.

On the plus side - but SO far from that fantasy - my Fabric.com order arrived in what, 3 days?!?! The box weighed at least a pound and there was no customs charge and I only paid 15.95 in shipping. That's about as good as it gets.

What do I think of the fabric? I like it. Is it awesome? No. Is it Modal? Nah-uh, though I ordered that too, from Fabric Mart. (Note: Totally suboptimal customer service at Fabric Mart, IMO. More to come.). The yellow is pretty garish, and I might never use it. This fabric is thin - Tencel tends to be, though the high-end (RTW) stuff has a bit more body than this batch. The slate blue holds up best - obvs dye-depth impacts the body of this fabric a lot. The grey is better than the yellow - and entirely usable - but not as good as the slate blue. All in all I am happy with this experience and, in the future, I will be on the lookout at fabric.com for good knits, the likes of which I find almost impossible to come by in my own garment district.

So, bowl of soup eaten and bitching accomplished, it's time for me to get back to work.

Today's questions: Have you created a rich fantasy life to get you through this winter? Does it include Europe? Or fabric? Let's talk.

This is Sick

In a turn that borders on the ridiculous, I am home with body aches, chills, a chest cough and a fever. On the plus side, I can breathe. And, the back room of my main floor is such an energy sieve that it's actually 5 degrees cooler here than it is anywhere else. I think this may be the first time I've ever been grateful for my "winter air-conditioning" scenario. I merely disclose this in the event that you don't hear much from me in the next couple of days. And to get sympathy. (Seriously, just a joke, I have used up a lifetime of sickness sympathy from y'all. I'm just grateful if you're still reading :-))

Anyway, let's focus on something fun and frivolous. And expensive (relatively):

Miss Mandalay Amelie set

That's my newest lingerie purchase from LCL. I can't tell you if it fits, cuz it hasn't arrived yet. But I can tell you about the most wonderful customer service experience. After reading reviews of the fit of this bra and the undies, I wanted to purchase sizes that weren't in stock on the website. I emailed Cha, my trusted contact, and she followed up with the manufacturer directly to get me the items in the (hopefully) right sizes. Then, she invoiced me through Paypal and sent me the set on the same day. Did I remind you about free shipping? Seriously, I LOVE LCL.

I would welcome fast delivery on this one, not because we near Valentine's Day - I am impervious to greeting card holidays and, in a great irony, my husband doesn't care about any of my lingerie - but because I'm so excited to see it in real life and to try it on.

I was on the fence when first I bought the Miss Mandalay Paris (I got mine in cerise), but it's worn beautifully, it fits amazingly, and it really is daily-wear sexy.

I realize that it's not a new seamless basic, which is what I really should be researching at this point, but my practical streak is a little bit worn out. I really just want to surround myself with pretty these days.

So, today's questions: What do you think of this set and, if you own it, how does it wear? Do you buy sexy lingerie at Valentine's, or do you think it's a stupid "holiday"? I want to know.

Feast or Famine

Wanna place bets on how long it's going to take me to get it? The path of this illness is not linear. Why I should think I'd be back to normal after 3 months, when it takes many others 6 months, is beyond me. I mean, optimistic.

Last week I was feeling pretty good, in the scheme of things. This week, not so much. I find it hard to believe that my relatively debaucherous last weekend, involving 4, 1.5 oz martinis over 3 days and a pint of ice cream (ok, and some cookies) could be the reason why my throat ulcers have returned, my energy is low, my cough is worse and my breathing/throat puffiness not optimal.

Allow me to clarify: I went to bed before 11 pm every night. I was home before 9. I did not go to a club. I drank lots of water and, otherwise, ate virtuously. The above binge is entirely in line with PMS, the darkest days of the year, going out for dinner and feeling (celebratorily) like a normal person (sort of) who hadn't freakin' eaten yummy food or drunk any meaningful amount in way too fucking long.

And it's not like I had a sip and then I couldn't breathe. Or eating that cookie threw me over the edge. In fact, I didn't start feeling bad until after the "binge" (and I use that term loosely). Which is why technically, I suppose, the return of crappy-feeling could be unrelated to the episode. 

Yeah, I know, unlikely. If having a pint of ice cream could have killed me a month ago, what the fuck was I doing eating it in bulk on Saturday night? I can't explain it. I felt ok; I indulged.

So now, whether the binge was the cause of my "relapse" (and I use this term loosely too) - which is preferable, I suppose, to just feeling terrible after having felt, briefly, better - or whether it is entirely unimplicated, I feel like an idiot and I kind of hate myself. Too bad I have no masochistic tendencies or the pain I'm feeling this week could act as a welcome source of punishment.

I suppose, right now I should just pretend I'm a movie star serious actor training for the role of a person who gets stuck in a cave without anything but berries to subsist on for 2 months before another serious actor (and a bunch of less serious actors playing the roles of uniformed paramedics) finds her, languishing, but somehow with rosy skin and good hair. In this movie, berries can grow in a cave.

Here's how I think I've got to play this, for the next 2 months (though I am pained to type it out) - not unlike how I played it for the first 2 months (though then I was too sick to notice):

• No wine.

• No alcohol of any type till I can't take it anymore (or I attend some function with crazy family members), then a small amount of booze without sugar, i.e. a martini. But only one and only very occasionally.

• Only very small amounts of sugar, other than that which is to be found in frozen wild blueberries. And as infrequently as I can manage it. (Please note, I am absolutely addicted to sugar and this is 8000 times worse, from where I'm sitting, than not drinking wine, which is already pretty bad.)

• On the plus side, coffee's all good. (Note: I start to shake if I drink more than 2 coffees a day, so I can't really use this to make up for all the other stuff that's gone.)

• I should say no dairy and no flour-based foods but fuck it. I'm not overdosing on these, however one needs an english muffin with butter after all the joy has been lacerated from her diet. Of course, as necessary, I'll modify this. And I am aiming to be moderate. 

• Fear not. I can eat all of the vegetables I can stomach! And meat, as long as it's not fatty.  And eggs and rice with soy sauce and soy-flavoured rice crackers from Koreatown (the portable version of rice with soy sauce).

• Nuts and seeds are a wildcard. I've eaten them when my throat hasn't been constricted, which is to say, I haven't eaten them at all this week. But they are a healthy, sugar-free and fat-rich type of food, so I hope to be back on this bandwagon soon.

You know you're firmly from the first-world if this diet looks bereft to you.

If any of you has a story about recovering from illness wherein temporary food intolerances were developed (especially those causing or exacerbating throat-puffiness), I'd love to hear about it.

Or, simply feel free to berate me for my idiocy. I can take it.

Deep Thoughts

You know that non-linear path of healing. Well, I continue on it's winding journey. People, I'm so tired. I'm so anxious. I feel so crappy. I've opted to take a long weekend (today as a sick day, Monday is a holiday) to try and establish a new equilibrium, one that moves the overall health barometer a few degrees more firmly into the right direction.

Since I'm awake pretty well constantly, I actually have a near-compulsive amount to share with you all on a wide variety of topics: knitting, sewing, body image, lingerie shop along follow ups (trust me, you're gonna love that post), food, holiday gift purchasing... The list goes on.

No doubt, it's a good sign that I have lots to say. It's a good sign that I've been able to go to work (even if I am a washed-up version of my work-self lately). It's a good sign that I've been off the prednisone for almost a week and I'm breathing (though not in the regular way). It's a good sign that I have picked up the pace on my crafting. It's a good sign that I can eat a wider variety of foods.

And yet, if on a scale of 1-10, regular-self healthy is a 10, I hover between a 4 and a 6 at any given time. Sure, I do hit an 8 occasionally, just as infrequently as I descend to a 3. Since I was at a 2 for a good month - I mean a terrible month - I realize that this is statistically relevant improvement and a move in the right direction. But I can barely stand this. It makes me want to flee from myself and there's nowhere to go.

The most prominent of the remaining issues are these:

• My throat hurts ALL the time. Especially where the ulcers line on the left-side. While this seemed to be getting better, yesterday it all came back hard and hurty. To feel like things are moving backwards - even though, in truth, I have no idea what's happening, the path of healing is not linear (she says, like a mantra) - is distressing.

• My throat is swollen. I haven't had stridor in 2 weeks, so thankfully, but I have had a couple of coughing episodes in the past few days that have moved me unpleasantly into its domain. Since I'm not on the prednisone, I worry. While I was on the prednisone, I worried. (That shit is serious and likely the cause of the ulcers and associated throat swelling.) My throat seems to be swollen no matter what. It's a matter of degrees and under what circumstances. Of course, it's much better to be my own self, managing the swelling and moving away from ulcers. But it's scary. It's like I am in constant dialogue with my throat. I sometimes feel that it's a mentally-unstable Hollywood starlet from the 50s and I'm a director, desperately trying to make that studio film. I've got to get this throat into rehab people. And method classes! :-)

• The laryngeal mucous issue continues. Sure, it's better overall. Occasionally, it even goes away for a couple of hours. But it seems always to return, after food, and then - since the mucous is all but immovable from its perch in my swollen throat - I have to worry about it inducing coughing (which increases swelling) or blockages (requiring scary coughing to dislodge it just enough to restore breathing).

• OMG I need to SLEEP. People, I can't drink booze. I can't eat anything remotely enjoyable. It hurts to talk. Singing is off the table (something I love to do that calms me down). The only mood-alteration option left, never mind that its health-restoring, is fucking sleep. Is it wrong to want to forget about this for a few hours at a time?? I have fantasies (hallucinations?) about doctors telling me that they can put me into a totally safe, medical coma for a week (like a spa! in a beautiful room in a beautiful locale - not that I'd know the difference) and when I wake (in the beautiful room in the beautiful locale) I'll be totally healthy and ready to go sit under an umbrella at terrific restaurant and drink an entire bottle of wine with a steak frites followed by a vat of chocolate mousse. No vegetables in sight!

• I'm almost disinclined to mention anxiety in its own bullet. You can certainly read the anxiety that's woven into every sentence. For some, this would be debilitating, I imagine, but I am no stranger to anxiety. I have coping skills and, when it all gets to be too much, ativan. (Note to reader: You must not abuse this stuff. It's very addictive. I won't take it 2 days in a row. I'm on the lowest dose available and its primary benefit is to induce sleep... I am all for mood alteration, I'm a hedonist!, but not with controlled pharmaceuticals.)

I won't bother to detail the other things: blood sugar is weird so I shake sometimes or feel light-headed, eating challenges (what will work today?), ears that have been plugged for 2 months, the terrible mood that hits me sometimes which I cannot blame on prednisone any more but I sure can blame on feeling like shit, energy spikes and valleys.

Man, I really do sound like a mess!

Really, though, you should have seen me 3 weeks ago. I'm like a normal person by comparison. :-)

I recently learned that a former colleague contracted pertussis four years ago after an operation. Her coughing was so extreme that she had to be reoperated on to correct damage caused by it. She said it was the worst illness she's ever experienced and that she was beyond sick for 7 months.

When I heard this horrid story, part of me was so glad to know someone else who could relate. Though her experience was very different than mine (and much more serious!), here she is, 4 years later, alive and healthy. The other part of me has to believe that I will feel better more quickly than she. By her own admission, my colleague began her illness in a less hardy state.

I find it ironic that Public Health has only just started delivering flyers, and booking segments on the news, to warn people between 20 and 65 about an emerging potential health crisis: pertussis after lapsed vaccination. Those people should put me on a fucking poster. Especially now that I'm so attractively thin :-)

Yeah, I'm dramatic, but I come by it honestly. I have been this way my entire life. I bring it to every experience, minor or extreme. It infiltrates my every mode of expression. No doubt, you know this about me by now. People, for as long as I can remember, have told me I should have a television show. Or a role on Broadway. I reiterate this because I want you to know that I recognize there are SO many people struggling valiantly with serious, chronic or life-threatening illness in the most courageous and reserved fashion.

I am neither courageous nor reserved. I'm a freaked out wuss who talks about everything extrovertedly. For what it's worth, I sincerely wish that people struggling with serious, chronic or life-threatening illness would talk or write about it to their heart's content. I pray for people who struggle as such, if they have little else to comfort them at times, please speak.

I say to anyone who may fall into that camp: Your voice matters. Your experience is valuable, not only to you, but to everyone with whom you communicate. Illness is part of the fabric of human existence. You are not isolated, you are a front-line participant. We, all of us, exist in a continuum from birth to death and beyond. Speak loudly because you are a bellwether. Speak loudly because you shouldn't go through any life experience alone. Speak loudly because squeaky wheels get the grease. And everybody's wheels squeak eventually.

Gauge The Situation: The DK-Weight Sweater and Updates

The part of me that's sure you must be sick of hearing about me and how I'm feeling is at odds with the messages I continue to receive and requests for updates about "that wretched illness". Feel free to gloss over this and check out the next section, but here's the latest...

I've been back at work since Monday. I'm still very tired, certainly not "myself" but my energy has been increasing each day, not diminishing, despite returning to regular life. Most definitely, my mood is more stable for being back amongst friends, colleagues and some regular routine. Depression - not something I'm prone to, thankfully - is an incredibly difficult condition to navigate, even if it's circumstantial and short-lived. I have a lot of respect for people who struggle with chronic illness of any sort. To be with equanimity under those circumstances takes tremendous strength and grace.

I did go back to the doctor on Tuesday. She believes that the prednisone, prescribed to open my airways, is the cause of the ulcers I now have lining my throat and which, unsurprisingly, make it feel more constricted. Ah, the irony. It's also one of the reasons, she suspects, that sleep has been so elusive. On the topic of sleep, well, that's been a challenge peeps. A real challenge. As of Monday, I'm tapering the prednisone as quickly as possible (but safely) and now I'm also taking something to help me to sleep. For the past 2 nights I've actually slept for 6 hours in a row. That's insanely good. The regular me sleeps 9-10 hrs a night . I'm one of those people who burns energy while she's awake and then seriously needs to recharge. The whole, circadian rhythm mess-up, sleep no more than 2 hrs thing, has been rough. Having said this, I'm not going to take another pill tonight. I don't want to overuse this drug. But it's good to know I have something to work with to re-establish my natural ability to sleep. Here's to some REM!

Now, on the more creative topic: Which DK-weight sweater will I make??

Well, y'all have convinced me that they're all too good to pass up! I intend to make 3 of the 5. Maybe 4. The only one that's out is the Flutter Sleeve Cardi (the one I liked least to begin with), thanks to some helpful advice from some of you.

For the Gauge the Situation series, there can only be one though - or this series will never end. And that one is Bettie's Pullover.

Why?

• It's not a cardigan. I think I have enough cardigans right now. And hand-knit cardies do come with some structural challenges at the button band. I'm not saying that they can't be averted with some careful construction, but I'm not necessarily interested to continue on that learning curve just now.

• It's very retro-inspired but, if perfectly-fitted, will be a fashion-forward finished garment. Of the finished objects I've seen, some have fit very well, IMO. Alas, the sweaters that don't fit well (or which aren't knit very evenly) really do fall short. I hope I've called this one on sizing (see below) because I sense it will a key element in the success of this sweater.

I have swatched the fan and feather pattern and stockinette in a variety of needle sizes (the sweater uses 3 needle sizes throughout) and have discovered that determining gauge in anything other than stockinette is pretty freakin' subjective.

I also realize, having just made the Siivet Pullover (and it's a good 2 sizes too big in the bust in the smallest freakin' size, with slightly modified gauge, admittedly) - that I have to just start making things rather small and dealing with bust issues on the fly. What that will mean will likely depend on the complexity of the project and whether bust short rows are feasible. On the topic of the Siivet. I think I'm going to serge the crap out of the side seams and call it a day. Then, at least, I'll have something wearable. But to be honest, it's actually a pretty dull sweater on me. It doesn't play up anything. The knit is very simple, as is the shape. Boat necks (even very narrow ones) don't play up the best elements of my narrow frame. I'm not feeling it.

I'm totally sick and tired of following every math sequence, triply over thinking things and then making sweater-after-sweater that's just too big. This time, and it may be crazy, after swatching and thinking and wondering, I'm just going to make the size 32. Yeah, that speaks to 5 inches of negative ease, but most of my handknit sweaters with 3 inches of negative ease still seem too large. I have to take into account a) hand-spun yarn properties and b) my own uniquely narrow frame. My bust circumference may be 37" (most of the time), but my under bust, over bust and shoulder measurements are clearly an XS.

Make no mistake, sizing in hand-knits and sizing in hand-sewn knitted/jersey/stretch garments are not the same animal. I keep applying my sewing sense to sizing of hand knit sweaters and it's just not working. There's a woven, manufactured durability to most stretch fabrics that I do not find in fabric that I've knit for myself. The properties of hand knits (even at a known gauge), at least as they apply to me so far, lead to a very elastic finished product. So I'm going off-road.

Here are today's question, sweater knitters (especially those of you who also sew):

• Do you find your hand-knitted sweaters to be much more loose and drapey (even with a good understanding of gauge and what size item you should be getting at the end)?
• Is this in contrast to sewing commercial patterns using purchased stretch fabric?
• How have you mitigated this? (Making smaller sizes? Targeted size reductions vs targeted size increases, for example?)
• What do you think of my final DK sweater choice? (BTW, the blocked swatch seems to hold the fan pattern beautifully but without stiffness.)

Gauge The Situation: The Eyes Have It

It's Saturday, Peeps, and raining yet again. I call this "kill yourself weather". Cold, drab, chillingly damp. I'm trying to pretend I live in the Netherlands and this is chic. While the newly renoed room certainly says "Amsterdam", somehow my imagination just isn't buying it.

On the, very up, plus side, we have enough food in the fridge and I have enough energy to knit!

I'm moving along in a semi-focused fashion with the Siivet Pullover. (Am I the only one who always types that word as "pullowver"??)

It's been a while. Here's where last I left off... To recap, I intended to knit on the US3 needles, to get the kind of closed knit I was hoping for, but it was just going to be too small and I feared I'd run out of yarn. Instead, I went back to the US4 needles (more open in the rib, in this yarn, than I'd prefer, in truth) and made a bunch of extra-smallening (but lengthening)-modifications on the size small:

• Knit 7 inches of rib, rather than 5 inches, at the base of the sweater. Everyone indicated that the sweater is way too short at the bottom (and I need length to get over the boobs).

• Knit 8 rows of stockinette, after the base rib, rather than 6. Again, looking for extra length - not width.

• Removed approx 2 inches of width during the side shaping (8 stitches) by stopping the increases when I got to 111 stitches (vs the 119 called for).

• Nonetheless, added an additional 10 rows of stockinette at the end of the side shaping section, to buy myself more length still. (I was intermittently holding this up against my body to get a sense of how it would fall / checking its vertical measurements against my own.)

• On the sleeve shaping section, not only did I start with a narrower base (111 st vs 119 - see above), I then removed 8 more stitches from the length of the sleeves (4 on each side). I think the sleeves are still going to be longer than necessary. Remember, my knowable, but inaccurate, gauge in the US4 needles makes my unmodified small larger than the instructed version.

• One thing that sewing has taught me is that vertical dimensions must not be trifled with. I happen to be shorter in my upper chest than many pattern dimensions. I am generally longer from just above the full bust to the waist (because breasts take up length). Then I'm shorter from waist to high hip, than average. Sometimes, making a garment in the instructed size will work - if the garment is forgiving. But I'm much better off to actually tailor the length where I need it. Which is why I added so much length below the full bust, but why I also shortened this sweater above the armscye. I took out an inch of length in the sleeve and upper chest, just below the neckline rib.

• The challenge with the design of this sweater, as I've mentioned, is that the sleeves and upper chest are knit as one. If you modify the length of of the upper chest, by default, you modify the circumference of the sleeves. My dolman / kimono sleeves are going to fit much more snugly into the armpit than the original design calls for because I've culled length here. On the other hand, I believe it will make the overall look of the sweater more fitted and attractive as the (loose by nature) rib at the neckline will not bunch due to extra fabric - and then, likely, drag. It's a crap shoot. We'll see if I've called it correctly.

I really didn't have to wrack my brains to make these modifications - trust me, my brains were not up to any heroics. I really just had to hold the sweater up against my body and say "Hmmm, I should take a few stitches out of here and add a few more rows to this section." It took vision more than experience.

This sweater is exceptionally simple. Lots of twisted rib does make it a bit tedious, but the middle-section stockinette part is very quick.

I can't say I've done my most beautiful work ever. Gotta hope that blocking does its job this time because I did lose focus in a few places and lost the twisted part of the twisted rib for a couple of stitches at a time. Having said this, it's been what I need to pull me out of dullness back into the realm of basic focus.

I am definitely feeling much better. I still cough. The mucous thing is a bitch. I'm still not sleeping for more than 2 hrs at a time. But there hasn't been any stridor in a number of days (thankfully, thankfully, thankfully) and I can eat more well-roundedly. I feel more integrated - like I remember myself. And I'm much less depressed and anxious, first paragraph above notwithstanding :-)

So let's talk about knitting. Have you made this sweater? Are you thinking about it? What do you think of the pattern?

Oh, and since we're getting close to the end of October - I'd like to put in one more plug for the awesome Lingerie Shop Along 20% off discount at LCL. Remember, type in KLINE in the discount code section and get an additional 20% off any item, regardless of whether it's on sale or full price. SO many of you have regaled me with stories of your successful purchases this month and I am thrilled to know I may have had a little something to do with your self-improvement plans this fall. If there's one thing the last couple of months has really re-emphasized, it's that you are wise to live big in every day - satisfying your best self and targeting your best goals. Obviously, we must all survive within our financial and energetic means, but if you can find a small way to look and feel more beautiful, seize upon it. You will never regret the effort you expend to be a better person (whatever that means to you).

Quick Update

So sorry it's been radio-silence for a couple of days. Today, many of you have so kindly emailed to find out how I'm doing. Please know, I've been meaning to write but I'm bizarrely superstitious right now. It's a function of the OCD I struggle with sometimes.

In short, I'm feeling much better (thank you health goddess). Again, I've been so blown away by this bug, that I'm anxious to seem too invested or excited by any turn of events, but in the last couple of days I've noted marked reduction of laryngeal mucous, less violence in coughing and I've somehow come up with a way to wake myself every couple of hours - before any stridor can occur.

That's a huge advance, because it means I'm not as afraid to sleep. And, Lord, I need sleep. Last night, I got 12 hours, broken into two hour stints. Each time I woke, I drank a small amount of water and got my breathing back on track (before any fit could start). Then went back to sleep again.

Hilly came over today with so much awesome food. A whole week's worth of prepared meals and special homemade treats so that Scott and M will be nutritiously fed. I still find it challenging to eat. Most foods are either mucous-producing (dairy, sugar, gluten) or tough (meats, for example), so I'm subsisting on broth soups, white rice, frozen blueberries (these are a BOON), eggs, some small bits of soft meat, and the occasional piece of toast.

I would say that I feel better right now (again, no investment) than I have in a month. I'm still just sitting on the couch watching half of whatever movie comes on, putting my head over bowls of steam-water, surfing the net and wondering how on earth a day can go by so unproductively. Then I remember that my body is doing yeoman's work getting better and it all seems much more productive.

Some signs that I do have a bit of energy include that I have knit a few rows over each of the last 2 days and I've loaded and started the dishwasher. Point is, I was so horrified by the state of the kitchen, I actually motivated myself to improve it. That's the old me coming back!

I want you to know how much I appreciate your love and support right now. I KNOW it has been fundamental to my getting better - everyone's caring has bolstered my spirits immeasurably.

I can't say I'm feeling normal, or cheerful, but I'm not anywhere near as scared or depressed. I will keep you posted, though I'm trying not to bombard you all with these boring updates.  I know you come to read about fun things and creative activities. I would love to have something new and fun to share when next I post.

Actually, here's something for Canadian readers: gapcanada.ca (which always ships free for orders over $50.00) is having a 30% off sale until Oct. 25. There are many good deals to be had on all merchandise, such as Gap Body and 1969 denim. Usually, I shop for jeans and Ts for M and Scott by going into the Gap store, but since I've been in the house for the last month, I haven't been able to. I was just able to buy all of the things they've needed (M is too tall for all of her clothes again), at excellent prices, without leaving my couch. Gotta dig the 21st century.

Long and Winding

The path of this illness is assuredly not linear. At least not in any comforting way. After 36 hrs of feeling less acutely ill - more oxygenated on beginning the steroids - yesterday I actually felt horrendous once again.

To its credit, the prednisone prevents the inspirational stridor, more or less, during the day - that, plus hydration, plus inertia, plus the tiniest vitamins I can stand to take, plus (theoretical ingestion of) food. At night, however, all bets are off.

I won't go into the minutiae, and I will optimistically suggest that there seems to have been a notable change in the last 8 hours in terms of the quantity and viscosity of mucous surrounding my larynx -  (again, can't afford to read too much into anything) - but yesterday evening and last night were incredibly difficult.

Being woken from sleep in the grip of suffocation is, quite simply, a horror. When I think of babies and young children going through this, well, I have no words.

No question, this illness is presenting more extremely in me than it does in many (though not all) adults. But I'm truly amazed by how sick I feel.

When all of this is over, I do intend to write a post for any adult sufferer who finds him- or herself desperate from sickness and afraid in the middle of the night (or day).

Right now, all I can do is talk it through in the easier moments.

I am phenomenally tired. After a stridor fit, which compels me to jump up and disjointedly walk until it subsides, I'm almost too exhausted to find my way back to bed. In truth, the stridor seems to happen as I wake from sleep even in the day, but I have to sleep occasionally. I imagine that, the reason I shake after these attacks is a combo of fear, lack of oxygen and adrenaline, but I've only ever felt this way once before - immediately after an unmedicated delivery of my child (which was not without complications).  After the fit, it's all I can do to keep myself awake, because I'm fucking afraid. To mitigate things, I do manage to get a couple of hours of rest in the day (over a few naps).

Scott talks me through it in the moment. So does Hilary. The two of them have been rallying me through the acute phase, giving me confidence. In times like this, that confidence is gold. Family and friends send cards, email and call on a regular basis to offer additional support. I am SO grateful.

I won't lie, my spirits have been very low. By comparison, the broken foot incident of 2010 was a psychological piece of cake. Exhaustion is unkind. Inertia is dulling. I have little mental energy to do anything other than shore myself up for the next challenge.  Scott forced me to walk up the block yesterday to get a coffee. Happy note to reader: Black coffee is a bronchostimulator and its tarry acridness can help to dislodge mucous. I have spent quite a bit of time on the back porch lately, inhaling cold air, which weirdly seems to help. Walking was like sitting 2.0. It was stupidly tiring, but I did feel more human than I have in a while. Today, he tells me we're going out again - this time down the block. Since we live in hipsterville Toronto, there's espresso 5 minutes in every direction.

At any rate, these TMI sickie posts are partly to leave me with a chronicle of the experience (this is the way I chart my life), partly to keep you all posted (as you've been so wonderful with emails and comments), partly to continue in the vane of the PSA, and partly to occupy my time.

Right now, I do feel optimistic. I know I am getting better. I know that this will leave me with a new perspective on my world, and myself. The only way out is through. So onward.

Breathe

People, I've got a bit of good news. A few bits of good news. And since that's been thin on the ground, let's enjoy the moment.

For starters, I think the prednisone is helping. I'd say, point blank, that the prednisone is helping but I'm particularly superstitious and anxiety-ridden right now, so let's just leave it at the first sentence. Originally prescribed a short dose, it's been extended by a tapering course over 18 days to mitigate any possibility of rebound swelling. This may come with some side-effects (or maybe not, this is not such a long course - though it isn't negligible and the drug is kind of serious). The point is, I'll take that risk for the joy of having a trachea that doesn't close intermittently when I cough. Cuz cough, I do. It's the first time in 2 weeks that I haven't been light-headed from oxygen deprivation. Prednisone gives a kind of false-energy (like caffeine), so I actually feel - not energetic, Lord, not that - but not dangerously inert. It's been a very dark time for the last couple of weeks so I am incredibly grateful even for intermittent clearing of the clouds.

But health updates are nowhere near as fun as lingerie updates.

I received 2 packages this morning! Interestingly, neither is from Figleaves - these are totally new items.

Item 1 is a bra I already bought a while ago, but I can now confirm, it is a very small fit (specifically on the sides, where the wires are short):

Freya Nina Plunge (not padded)

I should have returned the one I bought from Figleaves in the summer, as soon as I realized that it was not capturing all the tissue at the upper side breasts, but I delayed, and then wore the bra, so I lost that opportunity. A while ago I realized that it's really too small and put it in the stash drawer. But I LOVE the pattern. When I recently went back to LCL and Figleaves and everywhere else I could think of, it was gone in practically all sizes. So I sourced it on eBay, one size up, and the fit is spot on. I already have the undies, which fit well, so it's a new set, all ready to enjoy!

Note: I've lost quite a bit of mass at this point so the bra is actually a bit big in the back, but the cups on this bra are small - evidenced by the fact that they still fit (if loosely) when I'm at my current, artificial dimensions. When I finally return to being able to eat reliably, I'm sure it will fit very well. For what it's worth (and I don't weigh myself so I have no idea of whether I've lost pounds), I've dropped upwards of an inch in each of the full bust, waist and hips. Gotta say, one of the ways in which my body is very accommodating is in that, when I gain or lose size, I do it proportionately.

The bad news about this purchase is that, while the (UK) vendor was very good (and the price and shipping were reasonable), it got dinged at Customs (this NEVER happens from UK). The extra charge was 20 bucks - a sizable portion of the original purchase price. I'm happy to have this bra, but I loathe Customs charges even more than shipping charges, so don't know that I'll be ordering on eBay anytime again soon, if only on an associative basis.

Parcel 2, however, is a splendid delight. Cha, at LCL, has been offering to send me a lingerie set as a gift for months now, and I haven't known which one to choose. Finally, I decided that I really needed to give the Fantasie Samantha (strapless version) a go.

Why? Well, it's unpadded - the first unpadded strapless bra I've ever found in my size - and I loathe padding more and more with each passing day. Furthermore, it's extremely elegant, sexy really. And I don't have a decent strapless bra to wear. Mine is a) padded and b) doesn't stay up to save its life. Note: I can't remember the brand, though it is a good one, and I got it 10 yrs ago when the pickings were way more slim. Remember someone saying something about upgrading the goods if they've been in your closet since your tween was a baby?

Cha sent me, so generously, not just one pair of undies but both styles:

 The thong is incredibly practical but the shorts really steal the show.

Wanna know about the fit?

FANTASTIC. I am so glad I chose this set as my gift. I've been deliberating because a strapless bra just doesn't see a lot of play in my wardrobe. But this comes with 2 sets of detachable straps - clear and black. Clear straps that actually fit the clips that come on the bra are all but impossible to find, peeps. Ask me how I know. So having the clear strap option is worth the cost of the bra, IMO.

But never mind that, this thing is profoundly sexy. And comfortable (something Fantasie is known for). And uplifting. And it fits super well. I cannot recommend it enough. Just go and buy it and then email to thank me.

A note about Fantasie sizing, in my experience (recent and otherwise): Fantasie bras tend to fit generously in the cups, and back. The reason I don't gravitate towards the brand, in general, is that I find the styles too full in the cup, the bands a bit wider than my preference, the shaping a bit more mature than Freya and Panache (for example). I'm pleased to note that's changing in some of the offerings, like this one. FYI, I'm not nuts about the Samantha that comes with attached straps where you can see what I mean. However, that bra would likely be excellent for women with lots of outer breast tissue who need upper cup support.

I chose my regular size in this bra, after consulting with Cha. It is too big right now because, like I said, I'm not quite myself, but I can tell that it will work very well in a little while - if on the vaguely roomy side in the bottom of the cup (which has this excellent, rigid though comfortable fabric thing going on to give extra uplift). If you're on the cusp of 2 sizes, size down. In fact, sizing down in the band may not be a bad idea. I'm not going to wear this all that often, I suspect, so I don't need to worry about stretching the band too quickly. If it's the kind of thing you wear all the time, you have to make your strapless band VERY snug. That's where all the support is coming from.

The undies are true to size and very flattering. Also very comfortable.

So, a little good news on a few fronts.

What do you think of these bras? Do you own either? If you've ever been on prednisone, can you tell me a bit about your experience? (Man, could I be any more all over the map in this post??)

Now I truly have used up that false-energy and it's time for me to take a nap. But do share your feelings. I love having company.

Uncle

OK, having dragged myself to work today till early aft, and then having trekked home to sleep for 3 hours because I did not have the energy to be at work for half the day, I concede.

I'm staying at home until this virus doesn't leave me feeling half-dead. Till I can cough without losing the ability to inhale temporarily. Till I can breathe without feeling like there's a cat sitting on my chest. Till I'm not 15 different kinds of exhausted.

For those not following along, I've had asthmatic bronchitis for a couple of weeks. I've done everything one is supposed to do under the circumstances: antibiotics (didn't help but we tried it anyway - also good for keeping secondary infections away), a puffer, sleeping long hours, (miserably) staring into space, avoiding movement, acupuncture, massage, my regular daily regime of a zillion vitamins. Yet, somehow, I still ended up in the ER on Sunday (Happy Thanksgiving indeed), panicked by my continuing symptoms, wherein the doctors did an xray and noted a probable incidence of viral pneumonia.

The good news is that the xray showed a very minor case - just a shadow, really - and my body appears to be fighting it off (which is why I have no fever). The bad news is that I got this fucking thing in the first place. How?!?!?!? I barely take public transportation. I wash my hands constantly. I won't share food with my kid, specifically because I'm scared of child germs. (Note: Scott and M are fine. No one else at work has this bug.) I sleep many hours and eat healthy food.

The other bad news is that it's still in my system in any form. And the definitive bad news is that it's a fucking virus so it's not like they can wave a magic pill and make it go away.

People, I'm scared. I sense I went to work because I thought, if I pretended I was well, I would be well. I also went because I feel responsible to my coworkers and manager to actually turn up for work and perform the tasks I'm paid for. I don't think they want me around, though. In truth, they were very nice about it.

While today, I was explaining to a work friend that I wasn't a danger to her as she isn't an infant, an infirm elderly person or immuno-compromised, it finally occurred to me that I'm the immuno-compromised one, as evidenced by 5 weeks of sickness culminating in this shitty situation.

Experience has shown me that I can do everything in my power to promote and maintain health and still get sick. Why the fuck am I leaving the only place that's more or less a known commodity, where I can actually rest?

I had a number of posts in the queue last week, which is how I continued to seem so lively. This week I'm on post-as-I-go, so I don't know how often you'll hear from me. I really hope you hear from me a lot and that I'll have increasingly passionate opinions, underpinned by the return of healthful vigor.

I realize that, in the scheme of things, people get respiratory viruses all the time and recover - even if those viruses linger. I also realize that I am a particularly anxious sick person (anxious at the best of times, you know) and I have to share my feelings of anxiety or they'll simply be another instrument of suffocation. Even though the overwhelming likelihood is that I'm going to get better soon, I would welcome any continuing positive health vibes you've got to spare. (And I thank you for all of the ones you've been sending.)

As you can imagine, there's been little crafting happening here, as crafting takes a boat-load of energy. I have begun knitting the Inaugural Sweater but it's going very slowly. Fortunately, I did all of the sizing and mathy stuff a couple of weeks ago... So please stay tuned for info about it.

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

OK, this month has been pretty low on the health front. Since Sept. 1, I've been down with:

• A cold / stomach bug combo
• 5 canker sores (in clusters)
• A 4-day headache that verged on migraine
• A chest cough thing. I don't even understand this. I don't get chest coughs.

I'm lying here - miserable - begrudging that I won't be able to go out with friends for dinner. My bones hurt. Or maybe it's my muscles from the coughing (which I did all night). On the plus side, I whined my way into getting Scott to turn on the heat, which he usually won't do before Oct. 1, at the absolute earliest (emphasis his). Yes, I am complaining but it's my blog so I'm allowed . Please continue to the next paragraph for the real post.

Today's theme is pain for gain.

Meet Exhibit A (Chuck Sweater by Andi Satterlund - note that Blogger, once again just did this weird thing and now, refuses to let me link...):

The more I try to use this dress form as a model for my clothes, the more I observe how absolutely it fails to approximate my shape. This sweater actually fits me beautifully in the shoulders. Alas, in this pic, the shoulders on the dress form are forcing the fabric to assume their (wider) form. Furthermore, the cables don't stretch as much on me because the overall circumference of my torso is narrower than that of the dress form. It's really irritating.

Side note: I realize that you no longer have any faith that I'm ever going to model anything again, but I am a dull, greasy-haired, zombie, with skin the colour of gruel. I have a manufactured image to uphold, so this is the best I can do right now.

The final sweater is all that I'd hoped for, despite my numerous cable challenges early on. Here are some final thoughts and bits of info:

• I used 700 yards of Cascade 220 (a bit over 3 skeins - natch) to make a modified small. Primary modifications were the addition of 6 stitches at the underarm (continuing the entire length of the sweater) and the addition of a vertical cable pattern. Definitely, the extra cable ate up a lot of yarn. I'd estimate 40 yards.

• I would not make it any bigger in the circumference than I did (you know I was considering that in the last post on this topic). Once I added the sleeves, it all fits very nicely in the chest.

• I love the colour. Overall, the yarn is entirely adequate (and so affordable), though it's a bit more "wool-like natural feeling" than I prefer. I note with interest that my other Cascade projects were made with the Superwash (the growier, treated version). Both Frances and Mardel have reminded me that treated wool is known for its grow-factor. I really don't love that firm, "natural" hand of regular wool.  FYI, Cascade Superwash still doesn't grow anywhere near as much as the Debbie Bliss stuff, for what it's worth. Mind you, neither does it feel half as good.

So, whatcha think? Would you wear it? Do you like it? Let's talk.

(PS: Theory is I'm going to sew something soon. I was aiming for this weekend, but not convinced I'm going to have the energy.)

Not to Distract You From My Other Posts...

...Which are arguably at least partially about something other than the illness that's floating around the K.Line household, but check out Secret Spineless Whine if you want to see how I spent last night.

I feel like I'm losing it sometimes.