I've been pretty silent on this topic for a while now, because I sense it makes me seem little other than shallow and whiny, but my feelings of physical self-loathing have not abated. Note: I'm working on it. I know I have a problem. Alas, I'm nothing if not a town crier and this is my space, after all...
To put it out there, I have no idea how much weight I've gained because I don't believe in scales. I believe in fit. I have gained @2 RTW dress sizes since my body started on this journey of change (let's say, over the past 5 years). My stomach is where most of the change has occurred but my upper thighs have also thickened and my breasts have increased by a band size and 1-2 cup sizes, depending on the bra and the time of month. I'm fit and toned (not that fat doesn't obscure tone) and my skin is firm, if not as firm as it was. I won the lottery on that account though - I still look younger than most people 10-15 years my junior. Wonder how long that'll hold out.
Currently, these are my considerations on the matter:
- Life is about transition of all sorts. I have been experiencing this in extreme fashion lately, on all the fronts. This is just one of them.
- Moreover, biological transition is the most non-negotiable sort of them all. Theoretically, from my vantage point of privilege, I can choose not to advance my career, have a child or do a renovation to save myself the stress. Hormone imbalance and physical age are no one's purview (not even Suzanne Sommers, poor thing), though I do what I can to curtail the worst of it.
- I am an extremely critical being. Let's just say compassion cultivation really has got to be my next big thing. I am, and have always been, excessively critical of my appearance. Who knows why? My mother is also critical of her appearance (though she has no reason to be). The Puerto Ricans (maternal heritage) take their presentation very seriously. I have not left the house without lipstick since I was 14. The WASPs, my de facto family (the outcome of a Toronto private school upbringing) are all stupidly thin by nature, with no boobs to obscure that fact. Maybe it's a learned behaviour. Seriously, when I was youthfully svelte and utterly gorgeous (and I was), I still thought I had room for improvement. As my mother likes to say, if you think you look bad in that bathing suit now, imagine what it'll be like in 22 years. (That's our age difference, btw.)
- I've had the opportunity to live with an adolescent whose hormones have quickly changed her body beyond all recognition and have also made her semi-regularly batshit crazy. If they wield this impact on a resilient youth, what hope is there for the middle-aged?
- While I have occasional pain flare ups, things are very good on this front right now and have been for some time. Why on earth I am spending so much of my energy hating myself for my shape when I feel alright is beyond me? And stupid.
- As a follow up to my previous point, I've spent my youth getting to this age and stage (which I secretly always coveted) and I've worked my ass off. On the backbone of sacrifice and compromise, I have a good marriage, a healthy child a quirky house, worth a zillion dollars, in a great neighbourhood (if not a chichi one). Soon (theoretically) it's going to be even more gorgeous and worth 2 zillion dollars. I have a great job. I have an office with a perfect view. I have amazing friends and family. I have health. I know myself. I like myself! I have awesome taste. I can afford to eat at terrific restaurants. Not to mention that all of these things are fleeting and I know it. Why the fuck am I fixated on the fact that I can't fit into my former fat pants?
- Well, I suppose the reason is that, before, I had many of those things going for me (in various stages of development), and I also had an enviable figure. But, more to the point, this experience is making me fearful. I feel entirely out of control. Despite a reasonable lifestyle choices and lots of practical fitness, I'm changing in ways that I can't control and I don't know where this is going to lead. Um death and decay, anyone? Never mind that shit. I look at the all-too-prevalent, squat shape of the post-menopausal woman with disdain. No mind that the ones who avoid that outcome are likely genetically predisposed and/or self-deniers. And I have even more judgement of the self-deniers.
- Furthermore, I think it's fair to say that I have a bit of body dysmorphia happening. Even though I'm of the (likely ignorant) opinion that this is a kind of ersatz condition, I can't deny that I'm obsessed with my body and my perception of its flaws.
- Moreover - and this is in no way ersatz, alas - I do have obsessive compulsive disorder and some deeply ingrained sensory sensitivity. Feeling my clothes, as they currently hang on my body, fills me with legitimate physical revulsion over which I ruminate continuously. It's been happening more and more over the last year and the combo of these things has led to a destructive feedback loop. I haven't yet figured out how to resolve it but I'm working on it. If any of you has any useful feedback, honestly, bring it on.
- Intellectually, I know that my value is not determined by my ability to retain all of the physical entitlements of youth and neither is my appeal. But my identity is going through the fucking wringer and I'd appreciate moving on from the, seemingly-endless, deconstruction to a new state of normal wherein I truly like the way I look.
PS: Next post discusses how I'm managing sewing and my wardrobe to optimal effect. I mean, I'm not a complete wallower...
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Feedback? I'm not sure I have anything meaningful to share, other than that I hear you. I have the majority of hormonal changes ahead of me still, and am trying to front-load lifestyle changes to help combat some of the things that can happen (including to energy and sleep, as well as weight/tone/body composition). Lord knows if it will help. The nice thing is that when I'm on my nutrition and exercise game I feel really good now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally hear you on the desire to get off the treadmill of not liking how you look. I've felt that way all my life and would love to be truly done with it. I have no idea if I ever will, but it's getting better as I focus on the function and inner feeling of my body, and that focus has affects on the outside too.
Good luck!
Front-loading the lifestyle changes is a great way to go - though I've noticed that, as life progresses, sometimes that lifestyle is doable and other times it's not. So many things can encroach - which is why we have to live cleanly and well while we can. For me, physical change is hard. It may not be bad but the difference between what I was then and what I am now is a shock to my system - even if it's not particularly noticeable to others. I'm confident I'll find a way to like all of the versions of my body. I've just got to keep an open mind. xo
DeleteI'm afraid to say I have absolutely no advice! It does seem like your perception of your body is quite different from what anyone else would see... but how to rework your thinking, I cannot say! In the mean time, I think you look great.
ReplyDeleteG: Thank you! I am starting to realize that my perspective isn't really normal. The crappy thing about destructive feedback loops is that they take a while to comprehend (hence the entrenchment). But reworking the thinking is where it's at. And I find, a great first step is putting it out there.
DeleteBigger pants, my friend, no matter how it irks. The first step to not feeling like an awkward loathesome sausage is a looser casing.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. In fact, next up is bigger skirts. Sausage casing is the worst.
DeleteOk, I am going to say something here that I haven't said out loud for a very long time.... I am 5'7" and 225lbs...I have almost no waist to speak of, and I am the slimmest of all my sisters ( I have three). We look very much like all the females on my father's side of the family- tall and rectangular... I beat myself up for years about my shape. I went to exercise classes, swimming and took up running and cycling...nothing budged those pounds by any great amount. One year I heaved all the clothing out of my closet that did not fit and made me feel good...there wasn't much left, but I started over. 15 years later, I still don't have anything there that doesn't fit that criteria. I even got a decent bathing suit and wore it out in public a few years ago. I realize that you are not as far gone as I was/am, but if you can concentrate on wearing what make you feel good in the present the rest really doesn't matter. Live in the moment and really enjoy it...I spent far too many years waiting to lose weight and start to enjoy my life. All the best!
ReplyDeleteBarb
Barb - what a great comment. Wearing what makes me feel good is all about where I'm at. And honestly, we have nothing but this moment - I realize. It's insane for me not to feel happy in the moment. There is so much to be happy about. Thank you!
DeleteWow, do I feel your pain. My 50th birthday looms, in just 10 days. And as I take stock I realize that, with the crazy logic of youth, I never really thought that the middle-aged thickening thing would affect *me*. Seems hilarious now, but I really thought that my 20 years of vegetarian diet, plus the strength-training of my 30s & early 40s would somehow absolve me.
ReplyDeleteHah! I see my own mother's shape forming (also 22 years my senior): an hourglass now becoming inexorably less defined in the middle. Fuuuuuck. Genetic destiny triumphs again.
While I do miss the feeling of physical lightness and strength I had a decade ago, I care far less than I expected to about the weight changes. Partly that's due to experiencing injuries and realizing that function over form is really a *thing*. Also, the urge to flip society the bird, for filling us with such angst about the loss of our fleeting youth, has grown much stronger. I've let the silver streak at one temple grow out - surprisingly, people love it. Odd. And I refuse now to spend my free time at the gym, as I certainly did in previous decades. There is true, deep satisfaction in choosing not to care about restrictive beauty standards. It does help being on the West Coast. Culturally, there's a lot more support for the Thelma & Louise beauty metamorphosis. Also, Helen Mirren. Any quote by her instantly makes me feel better.
THat's what I mean - I felt like I had managed things because I found equilibrium but it was at/in an entirely different time and place. And how fascinating about being on the west coast (and how that standard is different). That never occurred to me! I love your attitude - it's where I'm going. I'm not quite there yet but listening to feedback from people who understand is so important. Thank you.
DeletePS: I love Helen Mirren too.
Ok, so that really sucks that your brain is in such a bad place. :( I'm just at the front end of these changes (definitely in my mid thirties and noticing... >_<) but so far I am reminding myself of several things:
ReplyDelete1) I don't want to live the next 20-30 years miserable about how I look. (I watched my mom do it, no thanks.)
2) what it would cost me in terms of diet and excercise to "keep" my 25 year old body would make me want to kill myself. Seriously. I don't want to hate my life that much.
3) it's actually healthier (lower morbidity rates) to gain a bit of weight as we age.
Also, and this probably won't help as we have very different body types, but I actually feel somewhat curvy now. My boobs and butt have gained more than my waist, so while I'm still a long way from hourglass I feel less like a board. And when I ask myself if I'd like my formerly-almost-toned tummy back a the expense of those curves, I'm not really sure I'd say yes.
Good luck with retraining the brain. You deserve better from your mind. ;)
Ah, you're in the golden age :-) I love your attitude T. I don't want to hate the way I look either. I can tell you what it might take to keep your 25 yo shape and it's NOT fun. And I love how you bring science into it :-) Thank you for the good luck vibes. I'm retraining even as we speak and comments like those on this post are such an important part of the process. xo
DeleteFrom your rare photos, I surmise your figure closely resembled Scarlett Johansson's, perhaps until your recent body changes. Is this a fair assessment? Scarlett looks like a comic book drawing to me. If your waist and, to a lesser extent, thighs are thickening, doesn't that merely mean your figure is slightly less unreal now?
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me a former supermodel, who still has an enviable figure, declared she's okay with not wearing the same size jeans she did as a teenager. I understood the subtext to be the woman looks great, despite not being a size 0.
I hope I don't sound like I'm invalidating your feelings. I empathize. I hated being all sharp knees and elbows during adolescence. When I developed a curvier figure, I still found plenty to fixate on. I believe every feature, except for a small waist, can be an object of self-loathing if you're as self-critical as you and I are.
I'm curious how far you're willing to go and in which direction with this. You are a relentlessly determined person at times. If you cull your wardrobe and replace the outcasts with other gorgeous, luxurious, and well-fitting garments, I'll be salivating with envy. You have great taste in clothes. If you embark on an experiment to see how far you can turn back the clock in these specific areas you bemoan, I'll be following your story and perhaps in your footsteps.
Anon - while I think Scarlett has a bit more Hollywood on her side, my former shape has been likened to hers on a couple of occasions. And, weirdly, people have told me we have the same shaped nose. Who compares noses?! You totally don't sound invalidating - I appreciate your perspective! I believe that I'm moving in the direction of self-acceptance merged with some slightly more restrictive habits than I'd prefer. But my focus will be on the former because I have to function and overdoing things always bites me in the ass, healthwise, at some point. But I'm going to dress gorgeously, I promise you! Here's hoping I can get back to the point where I can photo myself wearing those gorgeous things.
DeleteYou really need to learn to practice self compassion. Just google it and find tons of info and self talk suggestions. Ask yourself when you are talking to yourself in a mean way, would you speak to a friend that way? You know you wouldn't you would be kind, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Connie. I totally concur. I wouldn't ever speak to someone else as I speak to myself - I wouldn't even think this way about someone else. But old habits die hard. The reason I love this blog (and talking with friends) is that they help me to refine my perspectives and my ways.
DeleteI'm older than you--58--but you've pretty much described how I've felt for the last decade. I have no words of wisdom, but I do know that I wouldn't trade it for either the psycho batshit of adolescence OR the high drama of the 20s and 30s (who am I, why am I stuck in this shitty job, why is a good man so hard to find, and why does everyone I know think I want to take out a loan to attend their destination wedding? ...for starters.). Avoid the sausage casing at all costs!
ReplyDeleteOh no, Anon! I'm sorry if you've been feeling this way for 10 years. It's been a couple for me and it flat out sucks! We've got to find away around this shit! I totally agree, though. In a zillion years I wouldn't go back to other times and places. It's such an irony that just as one is getting it together on all the fronts, hormonal chaos ensues. I wonder what great lesson this will be for us in our older years. PS: I am avoiding the sausage casing - except when eating chorizo!
DeleteK, I get you. I've spent years in self loathing (I hated my body because of the attention it drew, the not-normal consequences of that and with the inherited bad body-image, I then went the other extreme - hiding my body, feeling comfort in the cloak of fatness that made me practically invisible and devoid of attention I got before). I oscillated between slimmer and overweight based on my current life happenings and stress at that time (no binge eating or yo-yo dieting for me) all the while hating my body shape even at my slimmest.
ReplyDeleteI very recently joined Crossfit and I'm still lifting baby weights compared to others. But it makes me see my body in a different light. Not just as a representation of my physical beauty but a representation of my physical strength. And surprisingly that is making me appreciate my body's beauty as well. No, It's not all black and white and I suddenly haven't fallen in love with my body. But I have slowly started moving towards loving it and appreciating it - even with the differences in my body from 'norm'.
All to say that there is hope. Some people do find that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you do too.
What's really interesting about your comment is the way in which fitness (namely strength) has helped you to redefine your perspective on your body. I totally get that because, since I was 18, I've been doing yoga regularly. Some years I've been pretty hard core, some years I've done lots of yoga - but of the restorative variety. It's been my constant companion and I love it and value how strong, flexible and balanced it makes me feel. What's very strange is that my practice (long-standing, committed and continuous) isn't having the same effect on my body image as it used to. I'm very curious about why that is... Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and letting me know that I'm not alone in my feelings! Keep on with your Crossfit. It appears that it really works for you on all the levels!
DeleteIt happens to guys too - we don't talk about as much, as we all head to growing gut and shrinking butt. Eventually it's all gut and no butt for us. Samantha on "Sex and The City" was with an older gent, and they showed his less than plump rear. The character was off-put, and that is how she felt, but it's a shame that a suitable companion couldn't be with her because his body was simply aging.
ReplyDeleteThe amazing thing I've learned is the parts don't matter nearly as much as they used to, it's the experiences and feelings which do (regarding others and one's self).
Corsetry could be your next hobby if so inclined to keep the proportions, but just as easily finding new styles, or tweaking your current style can work.
Don't miss out on life because of what number is printed on your clothing labels.
So true! My husband (52) is in a bit of a down moment on this account - though I think he's always attractive! I love the idea of corsetry though, really, I have no time to make dinner at this point - how will I develop that skill set?! Perhaps in a couple of years.
DeleteAnd I take your excellent point - life is right now and it's awesome. That must be my focus or I'm wasting precious time.
Oh honey. Nobody should have to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI'm 59, and now weigh 10 pounds more than I did in college, and 5 pounds more than I did even 5 years ago. But I chose to gain the weight, after some real bouts with hormone-related physical troubles.
At a point, we cease to fight the battle of one decade and move on to the battles of the next. My favorite saying is, I'm sexy for an old lady. You can say, I'm sexy for a middle-aged lady. And so much else comes along with aging, so much good, I so hope you can find that equanimity.
And I imagine that your new weight doesn't take you out of the culturally determined good-looking woman bracket anyway, so, why sweat the few pounds? Shallow, maybe, but I find it helps to take several different approaches;).
That's what I say! And yet, sometimes I fall into that stupid trap. You're perspective about fighting the battles of each decade in turn is very apt. I don't live the life of a 20-something, not by a long shot, why would I continue to exist there in any form? You're right, my new weight/shape (really, for me it's a shape thing) is within the realm of cultural acceptance (if not my own :-)) That's where i'm going with this - I may not look as I did, but I'm still sexy (for a lady of a certain age). Scratch that. I'm fine for a lady of any age!
DeleteI'm sorry you're in such a bad mind loop on this. I'm your kind of age - just read up what perimenopause was coz I'd never heard of it til you wrote about it. I don't think I'm quite there yet but maybe soon.
ReplyDeleteI've also just read this book which talks about what happens to a woman's body as she ages (I may finally lose my pear shape!) and lots of other associated things:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ageless-Body-Peta-Bee-Co-author/dp/147292441X
That I think would interest you and be useful.
I took up martial arts at 41 - love it!
Well, Sarah, chances are I'm going to keep talking about it so, when the time comes, there will be some posts to give you one perspective. Thanks so much for that book recommendation - off to check it out. Also, just want to clarify, not everyone has such a dramatic perspective on perimenopause - lots of women do get through it gracefully - so hopefully your experience will align with theirs.
DeleteThanks for all the honesty in your post. I can see how your portfolio of tendencies adds up. That's how I think of my own set of anxieties and reactions and tendencies - it is my portfolio to manage. It is what it is!
ReplyDeleteAs long as I can sew, I can feel beautiful. I am wearing a looser cut these days. If /when my go-to silhouettes get even more limited, I will always be able to wear top-notch fabrics and my favorite colors. Treating myself to beauty is how I cope. It's like a salve to me.
Just for reference, here's how it went for me. My weight gain has been gradual but relentless.In my early teens, I hit 5'7" weighing 107. By the time I hit 20, I was 5'9" and 120 pounds. I crept up 10 pounds in every decade since then. It was never what I wanted to happen, but happen it did. At age 59, I weigh 160 pounds. I always exercised, based on what was in style (Jane Fonda was my intro to fitness) but nowadays, I've made a conscious decision to exercise enough to feel good and I no longer max myself out. Physically, I can't push myself like that anymore. I walk and I do yoga.
I can see how hormones could cause more sudden changes and how hard that would be to deal with. For reference, my peri-menopause went from mid-40's to mid-50's. Things wrapped up 55-57, during which time I experienced lots of intense hot flashes, insomnia and fog-brain. I haven't had a hot flash in ages & feel great in that regard.
I am afraid I don't have much advice except to keep on doing what you are doing. I often detach and recognize my own patterns and wonder WHY ON EARTH HAVE I NOT LEARNED TO stop thinking in this worn out rut?! But I also observe that response!! And that is how I came to think of this as "my portfolio". I do let go more easily, but I no longer expect myself to simply stop the internal dialog. Instead, I just continue on and get a little more nimble and perhaps I get a little more graceful in managing myself.
Compassion for oneself really is the key. OK, one recommendation - audiobooks. I have lots of audiobooks on compassion and meditation, etc and I listen to them while I walk. I started that over the last year and it has calmed me down, now that I think about it. I think a daily meditation practice would be VERY good for me, but time is factor, so I listen while I walk. I love it.
Wow, R - what an epic comment. Thank you so much. To your point about exercising to a reasonable point without maxing out - I cannot agree with you more. The last 5 years have been about coming to terms with this very thing. I have a hair-trigger tipping point and as long as I work within it, I feel good. I go a little over, and it's days of pain.
DeletePertussis really threw me into this phase at 42 - I had my hormones tested then and the results implied a quick transition but, I suspect, that testing wasn't accurate because I was in such a bad overall state of health at the time. As I've returned to normal health, my hormones have rallied and I sense I will be in this phase for a good 10 years, like many, and that I will keenly observe all of the weirdnesses that occur with those years. :-)
It's amazing to me how my bandwidth dictates my concerns at any given time - when I had to figure out how to manage pain, that was where my attention went. Now that that is (mercifully) in a much better place, my brain can fixate on my appearance. But it's all drama all the time. Fucking hormones.
I'm going to take your advice about not expecting a immediate stop in the internal dialogue simply because I want it to be that way. Thanks!
Oh no! Sending you hugs. I hate that you are struggling. And yes to compassion. Rapid changes to one's size/shape/self-image are shocking.
ReplyDeleteThey really are. I do remember feeling very out of sorts during pregnancy and afterwards (for a long time) but I was struggling with so many things at that point, I can't say what was what. Thing is, when you're 29 and you have a kid, the likelihood is that things will revert to the original state. At least, according to my mind! In actuality, things did not revert and I was still very able to find myself attractive. I'm going to learn from that.
DeleteI'm sorry that your body image is causing you such distress. Based on an informal poll of post-menopausal friends, most of us have gone through a similar phase in our mid-40s - it's emotional and psychological, as well as physical. Doesn't help that we live in a youth-obsessed culture and middle-aged women get little respect or voice. It sounds you're a pretty self-aware person and that's often the first step in self-discovery. It's a process and hopefully all the positive things you're doing will help keep the mean girl in your head at bay. Mine still visits but exercising regularly and practicing self-care helps keep her quiet for longer stretches.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this comment - and for your informal poll. It's so useful to hear about the experiences of others. I'm keeping my head about me, most of the time, and when things get bad, I try to remind myself that it's my head, not my body, that's the problem :-)
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