I have a lot of goals today. Goals that are competing with my headache and cramps and making me feel like curling up in a ball. Then there's the fact that my kid threatened to run away from home yesterday, because she's grounded and I wouldn't let her go to an after-school event. I do realize that, when your kid texts you at work to tell you she's running away - and she's actually at home having followed your initial edict not to stay at an event - chances are it's a bluff. But we'd had such a nice time on Thursday - a whole 12 hours of mummy-baby happiness. I don't know how to manage my anger and disappointment. Part of me realizes she's a hormonal mess without the life-skills to manage. But what about consequence?
It's her 12th birthday on Monday and I've spent all week searching out and buying her great new things she'll love (not cheap, natch), planning the cake she asked me to make with special icing, planning a shopping trip and dinner at a very nice restaurant and a trip to the movies. Furthermore, we went out for dinner on Thursday and had a great time, got ice cream, came home and did a spa. (Her hair, when occasionally clean, is the silky, thick, fluffy stuff of a shampoo commercial.) We had all kinds of real conversation. It was like a made-for-tv movie.
As the adult in this equation, I don't appreciate her behaviour. But as a human being who just keeps trying and trying and trying - who's been dealing with the tedium and challenge of parenting this child at all the stages of development - I'm tired, disappointed and my feelings are hurt.
That's all I've got, right now.
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I would tell her that she hurt your feelings. My mother did the same when I was around that age, and it shook me. (I acted like I didn't give a shit at the time) I hated having those conversations with my mother but they are one of the reasons we have an extremely open relationship now. I would attempt to approach her as a human being instead of approaching her as her mother.
ReplyDeleteG: As a person who's (relatively) recently gone through this process in the role of the kid, I really value your perspective. I did tell her that she hurt my feelings and she responded with sarcasm and told me she hated me. But you're right, I think, about trying to approach her as a person. Mothers she's not too nice to, but other people seem to find her to be delightful.
DeleteOK - So we're not sewing today.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were able to give you a great big physical hug, 'cause it sounds like you really need one today! This really saddens me to read, as I have only begun reading your blog these past 2 weeks and I can clearly see that you are a beautiful, fun (no I mean "FUN") person who has a lot of self confidence and energy. But right now, I don't think you're realizing that part of yourself. Come on, give yourself a break! - You're a parent of a pre-teen!
From the sounds of it, your trying too hard and expecting too much. Sure you love your daughter! - But growing up in today's world with hormones and a (not yet) matured mind, can sometimes be confusing and selfish. Think about it. When you were 12 wasn't it all about you too? Sure it was. It's part of growing up and discovering who we are! Once a kid figures that out, there's a lot more capacity for reaching out, stepping back, and looking at the world from other's perspective. In other words, more capacity for love and appreciation. Your kid's got it, she just doesn't know it yet!
Don't be too disappointed. Don't try too hard to please. She's got a wonderful Mom, who tomorrow she'll be stepping back and appreciating! Today - she's growing. So try to do something fun for yourself today. Appreciate yourself, as grown-ups do!
Big Hugs from Michigan!!
(...and THANKS for the great blog site!!)
What a lovely comment JAL! I thank you for your kind words and your practical view of things. Something tells me that maybe you've lived through this? :-) I think I may do a bit of sewing today after all. I need a bit of time and space. And the cake is now in the oven so I've got a bit of breathing room. Thank you again. xo
DeleteI've been there, done this, and I remember how much it hurts. If it helps at all, mine moved through it and I survived, and we all get along well. You're wise to know that she's on a roller-coaster of hormones, and of course there's more to it than that -- while on that roller-coaster, she's being confronted daily by a plethora of possibilities and values and challenges and judgements that are exciting and terrifying. And you, sadly, are the one stable post she has to hurl her confusion at.
ReplyDeleteI did best when I'd talk myself back into realizing that part of me occupied a symbolic role in my mother-daughter relationships -- and that part (the wall of confrontation) was getting abuse that wasn't personal. What got flung at it in no way negated the good stuff we'd experienced together, even if I couldn't believe someone I'd lunch-and-shopping'ed with just that morning could be such a shit about having to stay in that afternoon to study rather than head out with friends to wherever.
What worked for me was treating myself as well as I could -- supportive girlfriends, my own shopping or lunch out or mani/pedis or whatever -- not to mention a solidly supportive husband, thankfully. And a solid memory of myself at certain points of frustrated adolescence. And, I'm ashamed to admit, the occasional screaming match, including words I'd regret within the minute . . .
I'm sorry you're at one of those tough points and I wish you some nurturing while you lick your hurt-mom wounds. Meanwhile, though, I'm tempted to chuckle at the notion of her texting the runaway plans -- clearly, she feels pretty safe in her relationship with you. Suggesting you've done damn well so far, and you'll eventually muster up the energy to move into the next year. Bon courage my dear, bon courage
I know I'm going on too long and I truly don't want to sound as if I'm trying to be the voice of experience -- I especially hope there's no trace of smugness than mine turned out so I knew what I was doing. Every single one of those episodes challenged me more than anything else in life -- and I know your reality is different than mine. I just think it might be helpful to fit your daughter's behaviour into a context that offers a light at the end of the adolescent tunnel. Hope it comes across in the spirit intended.
F: You ARE the voice of experience. If not you, then who? :-) The idea of seeing myself as a metaphor in the existential mother daughter cycle of life is a very good one. Applied philosophy and lit! The tough thing is that I do feel like the good stuff is negated. If anyone else treated me like this again and again, I'd ditch them fast! But I do know that everyone says parenting an adolescent girl is a special torture. I suppose I was my mother's special torture (though I was a perfect child. No, really.) Thank you for taking the time to leave such a helpful and caring comment.
DeleteOh, I often felt as if the good stuff was negated, myself. It just helped, sometimes, to get some intellectual distance and see that it wasn't, even if I still felt it that way.
DeleteI thought this column in yesterday's Globe was helpful: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/advice/anthony-e-wolf/grudges-send-your-teen-the-wrong-message/article2386285/
You sound like a wonderful mother. I'm sure she'll appreciate that one day.
ReplyDeleteWe can only hope :-)
DeleteOh. I can't be much help here since aunts get to send their nieces/nephews home at the end of the day before anyone gets too ornery. It's just an age. She'll morph back into the thoughtful and kind person you raised in time. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBeing an aunt is way more fun! I hope you are right.
DeleteOh dear. I am not a parent, but I was a teenager who put her mother through hell. My parents split up when I was 12, my mother started menopause 6 months later, just as I started my period. Can you imagine? It was basically the House of Hormones. We would have fights that could last entire weekends, and more than once came to blows, by both of us. All I remember of this time was feeling angry, at my mom, at the world, at me, at everything. My mom got the worst of it because I think I knew that she would always forgive me. There was good times and bad time through my teen age years, as I got older the bad times became less and less. My advice, hang in there, get some good quality "evening primrose oil" for both of you (excellent for PMS and menopause) and take lots of deep breaths. CYH (consider yourself hugged).
ReplyDeleteMan, that sounds rough! We take a lot of fish oil tablets in this house. Apparently not enough though. Give your mum a kiss from me.
DeleteI might be the odd person out, but perhaps if you had your husband talk to her? Sometimes it's better to just step away from a situation and have someone who isn't part of the fight intervene. I know that I could talk about some stuff with my dad that I just didn't feel comfortable talking to my (step)mother (and definitely NOT my "real" mother) about. So perhaps if you let him (assuming he's comfortable with it) talk to her it might sink in more rather than you doing it yourself when you are still hurt and upset.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in this position with my own kid yet, but I was this age not terribly long ago....and that really helped put things in perspective for me. In the meantime, take a hot bubble bath and read a trashy romance novel or something for a bit to relax and recoup. Or whatever you do to feel better and relax. :-)
Oh, Scott has most definitely talked to her. He was the one who called her bluff and advised that, were she to leave, she'd have to leave behind her key and cell phone. (Then he talked her out of it and hand fed her apple slices because her blood sugar was low and she was a mess who couldn't think straight.) Nonetheless, he's an equal part of the problem from her perspective.
DeleteBut I hear what you're saying and sometimes that is a very useful solution. xo
As an anecdote, the childhood shame I remember most vividly was the time my father had to come in and say, "you really hurt your mother's feelings." (Guilt worked very well on me.)
DeleteHugs, hugs, hugs!
ReplyDeletexo
DeleteOoof! Tyo's had her bags packed and been heading for the door (not to mention written notes) a number of times now. Although as she said last time, writing the note had more to do with getting her feelings out than actually intending to run for it.
ReplyDeleteI think at this point I'm, mm, not exactly numb, but accepting that it has to do with stuff that's going on with her, as opposed to my actual parenting. Not that my parenting is perfect, but the "life is awful I wish I weren't here" moments usually have less to do with stuff we've done than with other things going on.
That being said, we've only had to ground her once, about a year ago, and that was a major doozie, but on the other hand she knew and accepted that she deserved it...
Good luck! Email me if you want to commiserate...
T: Is it wrong to feel better cuz you have gone through this too? Your attitude about it is excellent. Mind you, that your girl has only been grounded once speaks well of her character! M has been grounded at least a dozen times over the years - probably twice that amount.
DeleteI had no idea she was 12 . I guess I think of Gracie as younger because she is developmentally delayed. And Gracie always loves her Mummy unless I'm: brushing her hair, giving her hay fever spray, not letting her have crisps/chocolate for breakfast, not taking her swimming at 11pm, not letting her play with the hose outside when it is 4 degrees Celsius, making her take a shower, daily, or not magically making a 15 year old video appear out of my butt. Apart from those times, she loves me. Perspective: if you are the reason that Madame cannot do what she wants, she projects on to you. Just keep saying hey! I love you too xx
ReplyDelete