Saturday, October 8, 2016

Structural Stability

The amazing thing about taking forever to start something one is conflicted about doing in the first place (mega-expensive and extensive renovations, anyone?), is that it allows for the most pervasive - dare we say, totally absurd - scope creep.

In the time that we've taken to nail this reno down (i.e., figure out the nature of the structural challenges, come to terms with it emotionally and financially, consider the alternatives, arrange financing, vet architects and design/build firms and contractors and just about everyone else on the planet, close pre-existing permits, get new permits, deal with stupidities in the municipal system requiring super-human approvals (designed to provide the City with cash), clean out our fucking fire-trap of a basement (this is ongoing) etc.), most of the like-minded people we know have done their entire renos and had a few new-home holiday dinners since.

No one's going to accuse us of being proactive.

Let me clarify - the reason that this has taken so long is, in part, because Scott and I have been at odds with the process in one way or another. He doesn't want to start because he's the designated hands-on project manager and he knows what he's in for. (Note: even though we have a project manager on the job, you know - one we're paying, this ain't our first time at the rodeo. We get that we're the ones who will manage the outcomes, when all is said and done.) And it's not like Scott doesn't already have a full-time job.

My conflict arises from my perpetual anxiety about destruction of this place (before reconstruction). Order is my salve. How will I handle the chaos? Just the chaos of preparing for a reno fills me with dread.

Allow me to remind you that all of this started cuz I wanted some fucking French doors.

The most recent turn of events isn't about timing - this thing is on schedule for a March-April start. It's about scope. For a variety of complex and boring reasons, the proposed price of this upgrade has skyrocketed still further (like by another 33 per cent) and we'll be tearing down still more of the house. At this point, the only part of the ORIGINAL house that will remain is the front third - the part worth salvaging. This consists of an entrance hall, stair case, dining room, living room, upstairs hallway and 2 bedrooms. Given that I live in a row house (which is attached to our neighbours at both sides, at different places on either side), one set of our neighbours will have an interesting summer along with us: We're tearing down part of our house that is currently attached to theirs. Don't worry - they know about it, it's entirely legit and our builders are insured up the yin yang. Also, apparently this happens with extensive row house renos. Not that I've ever seen it.

At this point it's firm: we're going to have to move out because there won't be any accessible bathrooms. Or much of a house to speak of. (On the plus side, we'll have 2 new bathrooms at the end of the day). Just the thought of moving out temporarily fills me with horror. And what does temporarily even mean? Goddamn it, I'm going to be back in this house by this weekend next year (Thanksgiving) because that's my non-negotiable end date. Have you ever tried to find a new house in an appropriate neighbourhood of an absurdly expensive city for some period of time that you cannot predict? Seriously, just that is enough to throw me over the edge. More to the point, when does one just say fuck it, and move elsewhere permanently??

We've had that discussion too, btw. And given my love-feelings for this home (which, frankly, have eroded over the past 3 years of increasing decrepitude), it's pretty shocking that we did.

But this is what we keep coming back to:
  • We love our location and that's the one thing you can't create after the fact.
  • To move, even down the block, would likely cost us (in the end) about as much as doing this reno - even after all of the scope creep. I'm not going to move into a place that isn't completely "done" and, downtown, those places are like unicorns that generally sell for 300K above asking.
  • Even if I were to move, I wouldn't know what elements of that new house are destined to fall apart or under-function once I take ownership. We spent our first 10 years in this house fixing it foundationally. In fact, this next reno is as much about structural improvement as anything else. I don't want to go somewhere new and then have to spend time and money fixing the things that can't be revealed at a showing or a cursory inspection.
  • When this is done, I will have EXACTLY what I want (well, within the limits of my budget and general floor plan). Exactly what I want probably looks like a 3 million dollar place in Summerhill Gardens, but that's not in the cards. My house will still be 15 feet wide and attached to its neighbours, but man, those 15 feet are going to be chic (and over multiple levels).
  • This renovation will structurally stabilize a piece of history for another 125 years and I am a steward of this home. When I sell it, it's going to be worth that much more because it will be a) gorgeous, b) functional and c) stable. Houses that fit this bill, in central TO, are pretty rare. This is going to form a relevant portion of my retirement fund so I need to invest in it now to recoup the benefits.
  • And on that topic, now's the time when I have as much disposable income and financing credibility as I've ever had. I also have the energy (well, this is debatable but I'm not seeing my aptitude for major reno increasing as I age). If this is going to happen, let's get on with it.
But honestly, it's taken me more than an hour to write this little update, because finding the words means I have to accept what's coming. And I don't know that I truly have. When you find out someone you know is going to have a first baby, there's that moment when you feel happiness for her, but it's quickly followed by a fast (almost panicked) thought about how it is impossible for anyone to understand the magnitude of what she's set in motion. Let's face it, the transition to first-time motherhood is beyond the comprehension of anyone who hasn't lived it. In some ways, and I don't want to overstate this, of course, it's as destabilizing to one's foundation as war (sleep deprivation of epic proportions, constant screaming (everyone's), endless effort just to function at a baseline level, the loss of control over daily life, the loss of basic impulse to preserve identity, potential damage to one's body, potential financial hardship, damage to the primary relationship). Yeah, I get that procreation is a human drive and that many people don't struggle to this extent - probably because they're too tired to feel anything or their oxytocin is high-grade - but I did.

In truth, I'm afraid that this reno - in its massive scope - is going to destabilize me as new-motherhood did. And, Lord, I'm not up for that. Yeah - I get that I became a mother in my late-20s and now I am an emotionally mature woman (most days), almost 17 years older. I have much more life experience than I did back then. I survived the descent into parenthood. I learned from it. I re-emerged. I also understand my triggers now, in a way that motherhood clarified like nothing else. And I have systems to manage anxiety, systems that have been years in design and application. Furthermore, one imagines that I have some sort of fucking perspective, at this point, yes? But I do crave order in my environment. It symbolizes my mythic internal order. It makes me feel like everything's ok.

You can see why I'm freaking out.

Any perspective you might have is so welcome -whether you've done a reno, had a baby, gone through both or neither. We all encounter ourselves at the edge for one reason or another. I'd love to hear stories about how the hard work was doable (if legitimately hard) and nowhere near as punishing as expected. I'll also take stories about the end supporting the means. And if there's someone out there who feels that tearing down and rebuilding a house was rather easy by comparison with new motherhood - please, leave a comment! I want to hear from you!

25 comments:

  1. Oh man. I have not done a reno, and have not had a baby (Thank you though, because that paragraph perfectly summed up why I don't have any interest in a baby right now!). I have, however, moved a lot of times in the last decade, so I'm here to tell you the upsides: You are going to get rid of so much crap, even though I'm willing to bet you keep things in good shape already... You are going to realise some of your stuff is unnecessary, and you are going to love the good things even more. You are going to look at your beautiful new rooms and have the chance to rearrange things, buy furniture, and so on. You are eventually going to walk out of your bedroom on Thankgiving morning 2017, and your house will bring you joy. In the mean time, rent a nice place, get plenty of movers, let your daughter redecorate her rental room, and make sure there is plenty of wine and cheese on hand for the year! Good luck!!!

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  2. OMG - what an awesome comment! I love it. Will reread many times in next few months, I'm sure. xo

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  3. Just as as a quick question, as I'm trying to get a baseline of your lived experience re: this stuff -- have you lived in a college dorm? Have you rented before? How'd you handle moving from USA to Canada?

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    1. I have never lived in a college dorm but I did live in a dorm in high school (I went to boarding school in the UK for a couple of years). I have rented - 3 apartments in TO (from ages 18-25). After this I moved into my first owned place (a condo). My next place was the house I'm living in now (from age of 30).

      I moved MANY times in my childhood because my parents are crazy nomads. I am not, so when I finally moved out on my own I decided to put down roots. I did not handle moving to Canada well. It was an extremely depressing move for me (as a 7 yo) for a variety of reasons. It wasn't until I turned 12 that I accepted Toronto and it wasn't until I was 20 that I felt like it was my home. Mind you, I never felt like the US was my home because I only lived there for a total of 5 years in early childhood.

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  4. I hate chaos, but I love making order out of chaos. The trick is to not have to keep making order out of the same chaos. So wherever you end up, make it your sanctuary. It needs to be lovely and peaceful and an orderly place to go after viewing the chaos of your house. Your mental and physical health depend on it.

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    1. Wise words. At first I was so opposed to moving out while the reno's on. We've been debating this for months now. Now that I've mentally agreed to leave, I think it will be better for my sanity in the end. I just hope I can find somewhere convenient and nice for a few months - that is somewhere in the realm of affordability. I suppose I should think of it as exploring my city. It's likely the last time I will live elsewhere until I retire. Because I am getting my money's worth out of this reno when it's done :-)

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  5. I had a hard time with new motherhood, and when my daughter was 5, my husband and I built a kitchen onto our house. I had never done or imagined doing a major renovation or construction job. I was the main contact and I was nervous. But I did an awesome job! The confidence I gained is still with me 8 years later, and I still love my kitchen and screened porch. Whenever I think of moving, I don't even mind leaving this house, because the very best parts were imagined and built by me, and I could do it again. It involved cutting through cinderblock walls in two rooms from the exterior of the house. It involved gutting the old kitchen and replacing an interior wall. We moved out for 6 weeks or so, and I hardly remember any of the trouble. I hope you have a successful project! Good luck!

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    1. Kate - I love that you acknowledge your competence at renovating. And that it's changed your life for the better - even as you were nervous at the start. Thank you for this perspective. Reno as confidence-enabler - I love it.

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  6. I've had two babies and remodeled once. I was completely destabilized by my first child - although I recovered in about 6 months and had another and would have gladly had a third - it did turn me upside down at first. I didn't find remodeling hard at all. The only thing that was painful was the decision fatigue. Well, that and living in a two-bedroom apartment with a two-year old and and a four-and-a-half year old. But I have always loved The New. I like order, but I like The New better.

    So I think if you like The New, and someone else will manage the endless decisions, living through the remodel is nowhere NEAR as rocky as having a baby. Nowhere near. Wishing you all good luck with all of this.

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    1. Thank you! You seem like a very natural mother so it's interesting to hear that you too were quite destabilized by first time parenthood. I think I have to decide to love the New (vs the Order) for a few months. Then, when all is said and done, I can impose order on the New and I'll be back in my comfort zone. Or maybe I can use this as an opp. to advance my personal development :-) Yeah, let's not get too excited...

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    2. Oh, and decision fatigue isn't an issue for me - happily, given the circumstances. I'm one of those people who just looks at options and picks a path. I can see how that can get overwhelming fast. So I just refuse to engage with self-doubt :-)

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  7. I can see why you're freaking out. The long-lasting destabilizing effect is very similar to that of frequent moves across the country or overseas (thank you very much, US Air Force). I have no words of wisdom for you, just virtual hugs and positive vibes.

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    1. I know! :-) Thank you for the hugs and vibes. They are very appreciated and will come in handy. I'm endlessly impressed by how military families move constantly - and gracefully. My uncle is in the US Air Force so I have seen it in action.

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  8. Sounds like you are going into the whole thing with some realistic expectations......my relevant experience last year was renovating one bathroom while living in the house with 2 dogs, husband and adult child. Doesn't sound like living there would be either possible or pleasant for your situation, so congrats on moving out.

    It drove me nuts while it was going on. And it took 12 weeks, partly because the workers were basically there 2.5 days out of every week and we couldn't get them to tell us WHICH days. The suggested solution (have a lockbox with keys in it) didn't work first because of the dogs and second because for this little job I counted at least a dozen workmen, many of whom I did not have a language in common with. So I felt that someone needed to be around......and that turned out mainly to be me, or that's how I felt.

    On the other hand I LOVE the final product. And while during the reno I felt like it was ruining the whole summer, it now seems worth it and I'm glad we did it.

    Don't feel any desire to re-do the other baths, which are farther into the house and not as decrepit as the first one, however. And if there is ever a bigger job than that I'm moving out!

    ceci

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    1. Thanks for your perspective Ceci! The experience you describe (about trades not turning up) is one I have experienced in the past (I've done a bathroom reno and a major reno of my third floor in the past. BTW, with that reno, we sealed the third floor off so it wasn't like living in a reno zone. My husband figured that would keep me sane, and it worked). At any rate, this time we're working with a much larger organization than we have in the past. They have three regular crews in addition to numerous contract trades - point is, it's in our contract that there will be work going on all-day, every day until the job is done. We will not lose months on this one because contractors are trying to manage 3 sites at once. And I hear you on the language barrier (and culture barrier - a lot of the older trades don't seem to relate optimally to women). That's where my husband comes in really handy - he's also built houses before so he knows what they're doing. Also, we do have a project manager who will be around frequently.

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  9. Never done a reno myself, though my parents did a fairly extensive one on the house my mom still lives in. The price tag would be what panics me. ;) honestly I think moving out probably will be a better idea for you, so you can build a bit of peace and sanity to retreat to rather than living amidst the chaos. (Me, I can live with chaos, but it drives my husband nuts so I am well acquainted with the loathing of it. ;) ) good luck! At least there are only three of you, so you don't need a large rental place. Two bedrooms, in my experience, are much easier to find than three bedrooms, at least out here. (But maybe you need three for sanity's sake? Sewga room...)

    Did I say good luck? ;)

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    1. Well, here's where things get interesting... I have never been able to sleep in a room with others (the sound of breathing torments me - you know I have pretty extensive noise and sensory sensitivity issues, though they are MUCH better than they used to be) so three bedrooms is probably non-negotiable. Esp. as we're probably looking at 4-6 months. But that could run (easily) at 3K a month - Lord. I will consider 2 bedrooms with a pull out couch (but then we'll all have to rotate sleeping on it and my husband is totally against this). He'd prefer to spend. BTW, on the cost panic front, I totally hear you! Here's how it goes: for the first year (when the scope is smallest), you feel sick at the price. By the time things are in the third wave of scope creep, you don't even view money as money. It's just numbers on a page. That's the only way you can handle the price tag.

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  10. I'm glad you're being forced into renting, and while I don't want that to sound mean (it's not intended that way), it will be so much better for your mental and physical health to be gone during such a large project. I'm pretty sure I've said in another of your posts that there is something to be said for being able to just get away from it. The only suggestion I would make, and it's maybe a bit controversial is to choose a cheap house to rent. Get a place that is liveable but not spectacular--two reasons for this 1) more money for those unexpected things that WILL come up in the reno and 2) it will give perspective on what you have that you actually need and makes you happy vs. what you have and what doesn't make you happy. It'll give you the opportunity to get rid of useless baggage. Not sure I explained that very well, but hopefully, you get what I mean.

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    1. Ha! I don't take it wrong - I think you've called it. I hear you on renting cheap. I don't know that we can afford a house but even a large apartment will be $. Strangely, the furnished AirBNB type things are the most affordable, in my prelim research...

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  11. My husband is a contractor so I can say that you made the right decision in moving out during the renovation. We renovated our own house 4 years ago and my husband wouldn't even live in the midst of his own renovation! The good thing about moving out is that you can completely get away from it. And I can tell you four years later, I look at our house every day and am thrilled how beautiful it all is. It will be worth it!

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    1. Thanks for corroborating that this is the right course of action. But didn't you find it so challenging to get everything ready to move out? Did that threaten to upend you? Or are you very organized :-) PS: so thrilled you love the end result. That's great to hear (and to dream about).

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  12. I think the wisdoms of your decisions (postponing till next year, moving out, consideration of moving v. reno) all show that you've got a better handle on this than you're giving yourself credit for.

    That said, from someone in the middle of all sorts of motherhood shit, and bringing a house up to scratch (although thankfully we don't have to take the back off of this place, but I do have holes in pretty much every room at the moment), I'm finding that the wine and cheese recommendation is one I can heartily recommend. That, and to cut yourself a wee bit of slack. It's grim but it worth it. Both kids and houses! xx

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    1. Is it wisdom? Or perhaps more likely laziness, luck, fear? (You decide!) And really, you too have your hands full these days so let's buy all of the delicate, expensive cheeses and the pricey wine!

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  13. I'm so happy everyone with some experience say it isn't so bad! I don't have children and never renovated, but been through enough wars... (the last terror attack in my city was two days ago, and we are not even under a declared war this time...). I think renovations are different from war/motherhood: 1. You are not at actual physical risk (unlike pregnancy/ birth, and of course war)2. You have an end date! Motherhood is permanent, while your renovations will end at some point, even if it takes till next Thanksgiving. Also the more progress you make the prouder you will be of yourself for handling it. And for the entire time you have a great thing to look for - something that for sure will make you happy! I hope it goes well and that you will be able to enjoy it!

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    1. I know! Me too! And I just want to say that I am so sorry you have lived through even one terror attack (let alone multiples). I wish you long-term peace in the nearest possible future (though I understand this sentiment is simplistic, it's also heartfelt). But leave it to a scientist to make this seem very doable and totally distinct from new motherhood. Thank you, as that was the scariest-ass experience I've ever had. Love this comment!

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