Saturday, June 1, 2013

Urban Scourge

Where do I start. I'm going to make this brief because I've been up since, well, yesterday. If you ever think to yourself: I so wish I lived in a bohemian urban neighbourhood in a large city, let me disabuse you of the glamour.

These fuckwit morons, living across the street, (and I know this sounds incredibly prejudiced but I'm SURE they're renters) have been hosting parties (should we call them live-music concerts?) that start at exactly 2 am.

You read that right. I now go to bed at 9pm on Friday nights, in the event that I'll be woken on the nose of 2. Cuz you never know when it's going to happen.

I've got the police on fucking speed dial. Alas, last night they were too busy with actual emergencies to get here before daylight. The party was still happening at 5:30 am.

And the worst of it: They blare fucking House. OMG, I've hated House since I've had words to describe that droning, misery of a torture they try to call music.

You'll have to forgive me. I'm mentally screaming right now.

But wait, it gets better.

I decided, like the increasingly old-person that I am, to get my ass up and actually do some work. And by work I mean sewing. I mean, what's the point of lying in bed, freaking out about how I won't have any energy to craft tomorrow, when I can just get started.

All was well - I'm bizarrely focused at 3 am, apparently, after 5 hours of sleep that ends at 2 am - until the hugest fucking scary insane monster of a centipede came out of nowhere and started 30 minutes of active terror-warfare.

You should know that I am legitimately phobic about insects. I have been since early childhood. I've even had behaviour therapy to help me with the issue cuz, bugs, they tend to be everywhere and I find it hard to function knowing that. I can tell you about numerous experiences (some closer to now than I'd like to admit) where I was traumatized by discovering a particular insect. I check my sheets before I go to sleep and I live in freakin' Canada.  (Side bar: Parenting has done more to help me with this phobia than anything else because my urge to ensure that my kid doesn't feel afraid has insprired me to keep it together in the presence of crawlies. Over time, I've been able to model her calmness.)

Hilariously, my husband is all hippie about killing insects. And by hilarious, I mean WTF?!? We have this gizmo that traps them and then he releases them back into the garden. Great.

Anyway, last night, well, at 3:30 in the morning, as I was listening to a house-thumping litany of stupid dance music, I was also trapped in the sewing room with the biggest fucking prehistoric-seeming bug of all time. And I was trying to throw things at it so that I could either kill it, or just move it out of the sight-line of the door. Those things are particularly good at avoiding rulers and boots.

Eventually I trapped it by the ironing board and ran to get Scott (praying that it wouldn't scurry somewhere else in the meanwhile). To say that Scott (who could, himself, barely sleep through the music but is very live and let live - apparently) was not impressed at being compelled to deal with a centipede in the middle of the night, is a small understatement. To his credit, he didn't much argue. He knew it was pointless. Somehow, he managed to catch the lightening-fast bug in the re-release gizmo, on the first try (even he was amazed by this) and that story, she was done.

I have no energy right now to tell you about V1027. Do wish me luck.

30 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, but this post cracked me up. :-D I'm not a huge fan of bugs either, but I suppose I'm not phobic about them. I'm even starting to get better about spiders--or at least the small ones anyway.

    Sorry to hear about your neighbors, maybe they'll get evicted soon. Or at least grow up a bit? Anyway, at least you're using the time productively and I'll wish you luck on V1027!

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  2. I know it's no consolation, but I've been there too. I've hardly slept the last couple nights because of work being done on the (above-ground) subway line a couple blocks from my house. Damn, they're noisy.

    We also have some neighbors who used to host parties like this. They were renters too, and the police came out a few times. I think what really helped in the end was the Homeowner's Association fining the hell out of the owner - any possibility of setting something like that in motion?

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    1. Construction is its own kind of hell. We don't have an association. It's just a neighbourhood street - and not a particularly cohesive one.

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  3. Thank you for my giggle of the day. I am not insect phobic but irrantional fears are, well, irrational. And sympathy for the loud neighbors. If they are indeed renters could you perhaps find out who the landlord was and lodge a complaint? In our town we can look up property owners on the county assesors site.

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    1. I have to find out if I can gain access to the information. It's very difficult to obtain. Toronto is particularly "live and let live" - a very bad policy when some people are incredibly discourteous (to put it understatedly).

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  4. Oh I'm sorry to hear about the neighbours and the scary insect (I'm like that with mice, I get it). How are you suppose to deal with these things calmly in the wee hours of the morning?

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  5. sometimes i joke that my number one reason for getting married was so i would have a live-in bug killer. my husband was a freakin' eagle scout, so he tends to pick them up and play with them for a while first... not cool. i've made him come home from work to kill wasps, woken him late at night to smash spiders, and really just baffeled him at my irrational running away from anything that flies. yes, having kids has certainly helped me to force calmness, and now sometimes they'll come to my rescue! haha! centipede? yuuuuuuck... so many nasty legs!

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    1. Oh, I know!! And, you know, don't use a gizmo on the freakin' bug and return it to the wild. Kill the fucker!

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  6. Centipedes are the work of the devil. Creepy little bastards. For the neighbors, I'd be thinking of retaliatory action along the lines of turning the stereo up to 11 and playing Penderecki's Threnody in their direction.

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    1. They are the worst of the bugs, I think. Of course, I really don't want to think about the others.

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  7. I feel your pain, and am living it right now. Ridiculous losers down the street having a party that is getting louder and louder at 12am. Wishing them dead right now!

    Surely karma will come back at them, right? (please say yes)

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    1. Oh, Linda! I am so empathetic. So sorry you are dealing with crappy idiots playing loud music. I really hope it stops soon. Or that you can get the police on their asses (doesn't help the long run, though).

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    2. Police in London don't deal with noise disturbances so calls go to a rather ineffectual 'noise team'...who weren't answering last night. God i miss Canada!

      Hope yours went better and the cops busted them!

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    3. Why am I not surprised? It was noisy again last night (but not as much as the night before). Lord.

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    4. Guess it isn't just London, then... :-{

      We had 2 years of that kind of night after night stupidity and had to move. We became the 'noise nazi's' knocking on people's doors every weekend. (nothing quite ages you like...)

      Why are people such dicks?

      If it helps, you really aren't alone. :-?

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  8. I'm the freaking bug killer in the house ... B is too kind for that. So smashing the bugs with newspaper, boots, bare legs have 'become' natural to me.

    But I can totally understand the problem with the noisy neighbor jerk... I'd be furious too!! When I lived in California 12 yrs ago,, I had a neighbor upstairs that pulled this on us ... I went and knocked his door loudly. Whoever it was, didn't open the door but the loud music stopped. After a whole min, I came to my senses that I was standing outside the door of a stranger in the middle of the night... I guess it took me that long to really wake up. Got myself together and went back to the comfort of my own bed.

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    1. I can't believe you can do it! Eeeek.

      Last night (when other neighbours had a party), I did ask them to turn down the bass (they were out front at the time). They did, but it was still quite noisy. I mean, they turned it down, but it was still loud.

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  9. Oh geez. What a horrible night's sleep. City life! I leave bugs alone if they are outside, but once they have come indoors, they are asking for it. (Phin is the resident bug assassin.)

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    1. Think of that before you move back!

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  10. You are truly cracking me up. I mean, sending you tons of sympathy and all, but I can laugh too, right?

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    1. Thank you for the sympathy! I need it! You can laugh if you must. You wouldn't have laughed at the time :-)

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  11. Spiders and centipedes I can live with (good job really as The Husband won't go within 10 feet of a spider) but maggots....I'm in the next county as soon as they raise their squirmy little heads. Eugh!
    Our next door neighbours used to host very loud parties until we turned the speakers to the wall, put Metallica's "Enter Sandman" on repeat and full volume, and went out for a glass of wine or three. We had to rehang some pictures that had bounced off the wall whilst we were out, but the parties finished that night. And we're on great terms with them now! I wish you luck.

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    1. OMG - how do you manage those bugs? They are the SCARIEST of the scary!

      And I LOVE your strategy at dealing with the noise. Genius!

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  12. Can your husband collect all your bugs and somehow sneak them into your neighbours' house for them to enjoy when they wake up? Everybody wins (well, you)!

    Petra

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  13. I feel you on the bugs. I can't function if there's one in the room.

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  14. Hopefully by now the morons have chilled their jets so you guys can sleep!

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