From Pain to Equilibrium: Part 2

From Pain to Equilibrium: Hardcore Heat (Part 1)
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I booked an appointment at the yoga studio. When I arrived, I discovered that for all its Finnish-style prettiness, the sauna is set up in a large walk-in closet with tall ceilings to mitigate its, um, closetness. The room also functions as the studio's laundry sorting space, to give you a sense of the true functionality with which this experience is treated. I observed that it was not customized. If it had been, it would have fit the dimensions of the room more elegantly. Point is - this experience was decidedly "urban real" - not like the sexy downtown spas that assume you're in it for half the day because, what else would you be doing otherwise?

Despite this - the sauna wood of the unit I've used is in perfect condition (so much so that I wonder if anyone else uses it - though apparently it's popular). And - cuz I've done lots o' research on saunas in general and on this particular brand - this one is made in a very soft wood (Ontario basswood) that's chosen for its eco-specifics. All things being equal, I'd prefer the durability of a hard wood. But it is formaldehyde free (unlike most wood, including expensive cedar which also contains other natural toxins to keep bugs away from the trees). It's not "chemically treated". Of course it is inasmuch as everything is a chemical, including the non-toxic wax this vendor uses, it is chemically treated but these peeps make toxicity (or non-, as the case may be) their primary point of focus. And trust me. When you are in a sauna, the wood is everything. You inhale it. You become strangely connected to it for that 30 minutes. Despite the softness of this wood, it has enough durability that there isn't a scratch on the studio unit. Plus, it feels and smells awesome.

I've posted a couple of photos of this sauna on Insta, should you wish to have a look. With any infrared (and in this post, when I say infrared pls assume I'm referring to FAR infrared, not near) one can turn it on and warm up with it, or pre-heat - like when you make cookies! I prefer to warm with the unit though it's generally a less "hot" experience to do it that way.

It's challenging to explain in what way the sauna "works" for me and by work, I'm referring to pain mitigation. An additional bizarre side-benefit is euphoria?!?! (Note: not mania! The sauna will not make you bipolar :-) though if one is bipolar, I wonder if it would have some impact on the brain state, particularly if the person in question were unmedicated.) In retrospect, I think what I experienced on that walk in Quebec City after my days of sauna in the Charlevoix, was the residual energy and mood-boost - an amazing corollary impact of "healthful heat bathing" as the Europeans might say (or not). Truly, no one would suggest I have a lot of energy right now. It's much better than it was over the winter, but it's still pale in comparison to my former energy levels, or those of my youth. But for about 24 hours after "saunaing", I am strangely bouncy and fearless in my body, which is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

At first I assumed this was because my pain is reduced by the heat process (and it definitely is though, natch, with chronic pain one's mileage will vary). But, on balance, I don't think that's the full story. I think the energy and the pain mitigation are separate experiences. And they're both awesome!

On the topic of pain management: We all experience chronic pain differently and, as I've harped on endlessly, the reason why the pain-haver is wise to utilize an integrated approach is that chronic pain is a brain-groove inasmuch as its a physical experience. Your brain, if it likes to spout pain, will find ways around the one or 2 mechanisms by which you may regularly reach for relief. That's why you need a minimum of a dozen. I recommend that as few of those as necessary should be pharmaceuticals (just based on the likelihood of long-term damage and side effects). But that's my bias.

Apparently, the average person with chronic pain uses fewer than 3 approaches to mitigate pain - and not because (s)he's tried a multiplicity that didn't work. I find that impossible to believe. How can one linger in misery and not search for the answer continuously?? I have an arsenal of 20 plus mitigation methods that I modulate weekly. When I write on this topic, I aim not to be prescriptive because pain is personal but, if you have chronic pain, this is not a "nice to have" approach. It's the only one - because, if your two mechanisms worked, you wouldn't still be in pain.

Back to the experience of the sauna as it relates to the pain I have experienced... The minute I step into the pre-heated sauna (or as it heats up), pain disappears. Yes, I know. For that reason alone, it's worth a fortune. I begin to feel a strange sort of seal (this is a term we sometimes use in yoga). What I mean is that the density of the air in the sauna (and I'm speaking as a user, not as a science professional) seems to increase, as does the feeling inside the muscular/fascial layer of my body. It feels like they click or suction together. It's difficult to articulate. And in that suction, a kind of normally-absent equilibrium is found. The outcome of the equilibrium, for me, is pain reduction.

After a few minutes, my body seems to "lighten". The skeletal compression I often feel, the internal puffy sense, the nerve-shooting sensation, the ridiculous fascial tightness - these all disappear for the duration of the visit. It's totally bizarre and I can't explain it. For this reason, staying in the (less hot than traditional sauna) heat for 30 minutes is very easy.

I turn off the interior light because, for me, it's about sensory deprivation. In a zillion years I would not go into one of those water floating gizmos to relax. But I believe they work on the exact same premise: remove all stimulus. The sauna is like a vacuum, an eraser (like one of those 70s toys where you write on a tablet with a plastic front and a cardboard back coated with some black substance. The minute you're done with what you've drawn with that ink-free stylo, you lift the cover plastic and it's all gone).

Whether you practice meditation or not, you will effectively meditate in a sauna. It's a function of the brain state that heat and sensory deprivation provide.

How long does this last? I don't know - I don't have enough data yet to say. I'm going to estimate about 24-36 hours. But that's in summer - both the cool version and the heat wave kind. Note: I don't find taking a sauna in a heat wave to be problematic. But I like heat.

Now, can you imagine me - a constantly cold (in body temp) person - getting home after a day of work, in the dark, via massively overcrowded public transit, followed by a walk on treacherous, un-salted ice or in freezing rain or in miserable dampness (all things that do nothing to help pain that I experience), being able to hop into a gorgeously hot, intensely quiet space to "reset" before dinner? Peeps - the Nordic people haven't been doing this for centuries simply cuz it's fun.

Note: I don't do a cold shower after-treatment. For my biochemistry, that doesn't help. When I get out of the sauna, I feel so tremendously cold (just in interior air) that I consider this to be my "cold treatment". As cold is a pain trigger for me, I avoid it to whatever extent I can.

Also, it goes without saying that saunas are not for everyone - and one kind of sauna may be better for you than another. Use your brain while you experiment on yourself. And no harm in consulting a doc if you have concerns about heat therapy for certain conditions like blood pressure - though don't assume that he or she will know anything about saunas and how the body interacts with them.

Do saunas remove toxins from your body, cure cancer and cause you to lose weight like a celebrity? Um - I really can't say cuz I'm in it for the pain and mood management. I've read many conflicting documents on these accounts and I can tell you that you lose water and salt when sweating (toxins are a tough thing to calibrate), if you're in cancer treatment you should definitely be talking with your oncologist, not a sauna sales person, and if you want to lose weight you should stop eating sugar and processed food, get tons of sleep, do healthful exercise, remove all stressors from your life and eschew fun. Or come by it naturally. That's why those celebrities are thin.


On the topic of choosing a sauna: The average far infrared sauna is meant to heat the individual at 40-60C vs the much hotter traditional temp range of 80-100C. Infrared heat is actually light - as is all heat from what I can tell from 5 seconds on the internet. Moreover, all saunas work on the basis of radiant heat - from what I've seen. My limited understanding is that the main difference is the frequency of the waves that create the heat but, seriously, if you're a scientist - please chime in!

The specific unit I've tried is, I believe, a 2-person sauna. (No one seems to be able to give me intel about the model at the studio though I'm sure both SaunaRay and the studio have the deets...) Presuming I'm correct - and next time I "sauna", I'm bringing my tape-measure to confirm - there's no way it would fit 2 humans. It's as small a space as I'd like to be in all alone and, if you are a tall or large person, it'll seem smaller still. Note: I'm not claustrophobic.

Secretly, I hope the studio unit I'm using is the 1-person version because I intend to buy the 2-person one. It would be thrilling if the unit I buy is bigger than the one I'm using as I would like a bit more room to move around without being concerned about hitting the ceramic heaters.

Those heaters are well-placed in the studio sauna and "caged", to prevent burns. When one is seated and still, in this particular unit, there is no concern. But I would be mindful about trying to sit horizontally with legs up on the bench.

On the topic of budget, cuz who doesn't want to know the scoop: for a high-quality, small, non-customized sauna (the kind that is installed by the people who have made the sauna but to specifications that are consistent from unit to unit and not altered to suit specific spaces), you're looking at about 5K. It will likely cost more than this if you opt for additional features. If you go custom - whether infrared or traditional - it's going to cost about 10-15K.

I'm not here to recommend any particular brand. One must do research and consider the relevant factors but what I can say is that you should avoid buying one from a big box store. There's a lot of inaccurate info provided by the conglomerates that sell flat packs, as proven by peeps who buy them to independently test for things like wood toxicity and the quality of heat being emitted (and what's used to emit that heat). At the wrong end of the spectrum (no pun intended), the sauna becomes more like a toxic oven than healing treatment.

As soon as I realized that the cheap Costco ones are more harmful than they'd have you believe, I had to switch gears. For my money, buying Canadian - and better still local - is a strong preference. But buying the best and safest model I can afford - Canadian or no - is a stronger preference. I'm really happy that I love the brand that the studio uses (SaunaRay) because all of the saunas are handmade 2 hours away to very stringent specifics.

You do need two things, other than money, to bring a sauna into your home: the correct amperage in your house (Scott says most modern houses have this) and space. I've not seen a non-custom sauna that's shorter than 6 feet and, over and above that, you need a certain amount of clearance. Also, it's very small on the inside but somehow quite large on the outside. I can see how this would not work optimally for those in a condo or a small, old house.

If this gizmo appeals to you on any level - I recommend that you find a place that's easy and quick to get to, and that charges a fee you can get with because you'll want to do it reasonably often. Try a bunch of options till you find your preferred brand and style. If it improves the quality of your life and you have space, money and the electrical specs - buy a freakin' sauna! Sure - you may think of this as a stupid, urban, rich girl prop - Lord knows, I did. But if it makes you feel excellent, who cares what people think?

PS: If you don't write about it on your blog, no one needs to know that you intend to buy one!

From Pain to Equilibrium: Hardcore Heat

You may recall this post from last year. I've dwelt on this moment of peaceful interaction with my body on so many occasions, there's a veritable shrine to it in my mind... It took a while to parse out the components, but on (ceaseless) reflection, it occurred to me that the one novel feature I'd added into my life last summer - and entirely accidentally - was a sauna.

Did I mention that they comped me the water spa at the Germain Charlevoix (formerly named La Ferme, though the ownership has not changed)? I'm ever grateful that they did, not cuz it was a 250 dollar value (per person) and I do love being comped, but because there's no universe in which I'd have purchased it.

That's not cuz I'm cheap (though I am very frugal about some things - shipping anyone?). It's because the idea of sitting in water with other people (or even by myself) totally creeps me out. No children are allowed in the spa - or there's no way I'd ever have gone, free or no. Also, it's a silent space (something I freakin' love). And it has one of the most spectacular views I've ever seen.

I tried it out for the view and the opp to knit on a chaise. I mean, it's practically freezing in northern Quebec in August (vague hyperbole). So that's how it happened. I was sitting there in a bathing suit with a stiff 18C breeze and I didn't want to stop looking at sheep and alpacas. And there was no one else there (I went early to avoid others, even silent others). And somehow, I put my toe in the hot water, which turned into my leg and then my ass and then I swam over to the centre seating. It was fucking delicious.

I stayed until I freaked myself out. There was no universe in which I was going to the cold pools. And hell would freeze over before I'd go into a steam room. Which left one option to try (other than a green smoothie): the sauna.

To clarify, this sauna was a radiant heat version (aka "traditional"). It uses (a whack of) electricity to heat up a bunch of rocks in a custom built wood room. It was approximately 1000 degrees. OK, I don't know what the actual temp was but it seemed like I was turning into a roast as I sat there. Mercifully I was also alone in this room. I struggled with my mind - was I actually cooking?? - and I left after 5 minutes. Then I went back 3 more times that day. For 5 minutes max, each time. And then 3 times each of the next days.

Scott said: You sure do like the sauna. I responded: No I really don't. I just find it very strange and vaguely compelling. Like it's too hot for germs to survive. We left the hotel few days later, on the train (described in the post linked to above) and then I had the awesome walk around QC. And then the next day we went home.

At some point, over the following couple of months, as I descended into the most challenging time in my life (ok, let's just cut the crap and call it a nightmare), I occasionally turned my mind to the gorgeous Charlevoix countryside and the spa pools and the sauna. As I sat, numb and practically endlessly in front of a fireplace I own, for the first time - under multiple blankets plus heating pads plus tea - it started to occur to me that the sauna heat might have been germane to my momentary vacay pain-free euphoria.

When I had energy (ha!), I would research saunas, at which point I determined that the far-infrared kind were my jam (were I ever to purchase one) because of the way it conserves energy (in the scheme of things) and the therapeutic lower temps. I tried to find them in TO, to give a few brands a go, but every option I could find was far away (ok, 15 minutes by Uber but I was practically homebound) and, all in, would cost me 100 bucks a shot. I really didn't feel that was sustainable. OK, technically that's a lie.

I was so consumed by horrific anxiety brought on by dysregulation of my central nervous system - constantly tachychardic, frozen with pain, vomiting routinely from intractable nausea, exhausted in a way I cannot describe. Truth is, it took more wherewithal than I had to get to a spa 15 minutes away. Not even when my friends offered to take me. The idea of interaction was beyond my capacity at that time.

Cut to 7 months later, warm weather and increased capacity. I knew I had to get my ass to the sauna to see what it would be like. I googled again, to see if I could find a closer option and, to my great shock, I found one - private! - at a yoga studio near my house. It's one of the few studios I'll visit. I know the owner. She's quality. The place is clean. Um - this sauna had been there all along. I just hadn't found it. Moreover, the sessions are 30 min (not 60) - a timeline which suits me better - and the cost is outrageously reasonable.

I can see this post is going to go on indefinitely if I get into my next batch of details but let me leave you (vaguely) hanging with the assurance that I'll write the rest of this narrative asap and that, if you are a person managing chronic pain, you may be interested to hear the punchline...

One Year On...

We recently had our first year renoversary - the date on which we returned to our improved home from the rental where we lived for 18 months. In case it warrants articulation: the work is not "complete" - though I now understand that completion is just a continuum. I imagine that interior work will be finished within a year, though it doesn't pay to speculate. If you take one thing from this post it's that it doesn't pay to speculate - that attachment is the root of all suffering. Who would have imagined that renos come with a free side of Buddhism??

Unquestionably, we're getting there. If you came over for dinner, you'd think it was almost done because, frankly, one can stop at any time and we're the only ones I know who've ever gone this far. See: Continuum.

The word recreation is one I often consider. I love what it connotes, especially when you put a hyphen between the first and second syllables. The notion of shaping my environment (environmental plasticity) has never been more appealing as I manage systemic health challenges, transition back to the lifestyle of the child-free and become ever more aware of the temporality that binds us all (the gift of age). Inasmuch as everything is metaphor for something, this house is the metaphor for my Self. For years, it was close - beauty dimmed by darkness and decay. But I found my voice - or should I say my vision. I exercised every facet of my free will to affect profound change. Now it is haven in chaos. Something rebuilt for strength and longevity. A space of artful introversion. Uncluttered and encroachingly serene. And goddamn sexy.

We have a new rule in this house. We're not talking about the reno-past. Note: we often break the rule and catch ourselves but it's our yoga. In the words of Scott, talking about it is like pulling a scab off a third-degree burn. When your body is critically injured, you do everything to heal it because, if you don't, it may lead to serious repercussions. What do you do when your consciousness is injured? Do you run from the awareness? Do you entrench in it?

I can't run, but I won't linger. Every day, I pay attention to the merciful beauty around me - the floor boards that actually shine from the reflection of light streaming into the vertical windows, the shards that glint off the brick wall. Green subtones in the greige walls reflect nature and the sky, in every weather. When I see what we've saved, what we've loved, what we've gained, what we've released, how we've collaborated in the most natural fashion - I am tremendously gratified.

But enough philosophizing.

Here's what I said I was going for back in 2017:

• Cleanness - I need a space to be actually clean-seeming but also visually undistracting.
• Colour - I like neutrals and wood tones but they usually don't cohere without deeper or brighter colours, IMO.
• Warmth - Cuz Canada...
• Architectural Intrigue
• Practicality - Show me some kind of ingenious, attractive space-saver any day...
• Elegance
• Light

Well - I didn't waver, though I couldn't begin to remember what I'd said (though I remember I'd said something) and it took me 10 minutes of looking through previous posts to find the details. I might as well have just said - and yeah, I know this makes me sound SO basic - I want to live in a boutique hotel / spa:

• The kind you find in urban Europe that is so chic and is so impossible to get into that you throw caution to the Visa card and stay there for two days cuz fuck moderation.
• The kind in that restaurant-dense, boho neighbourhood that defies homogeneity in the spirit of staunch individuality.
• The kind with the yoga studio that has all the best Iyengar props and an onsite teacher to whom you have unlimited access.
• The kind with multiple terraces that overlook some sketch - but endlessly interesting - domains.
• The kind that you take 37 photos of, per hour, because every surface is so appealing that you cannot stop yourself.
• The kind with the heated bathroom floors and the sauna and the gorgeous grounds, set like a jewel in the most beautiful ring.
• The kind that comes with the best espresso you've ever had and the warmest, sexiest fireplace to sit in front of as you drink it.
• The kind with excellent towels and bedding and a ceramic essential oil diffuser to set up every space by scent.
• The kind with an awesome in-house restaurant that produces profound meals from the simplest of natural ingredients, rounded out by confident service and capability.
• The kind with the downstairs sitting space where you can read quietly, knit or engage with others at your own leisure.
• The kind which, when you check out on the morning of the third day, you feel a pang of loss over, and the impulse to rebook immediately.
• The kind with timeless architectural reminders that the past is in the present and the present drives toward the future (but can never leave the echoes of the past).

Reader - I've done this. And in the process I've gone from being stuck in the darkest recesses of myself to being nurtured by the strength that bounces, like radiant heat, from restoration (another word I like to put a hyphen in, for kicks).

Do I wish it hadn't been so difficult (to understate things entirely)? Oh, you have no idea. Do I wonder about potential long-term impacts across the board? Often. Do I sometimes look more at the imperfections than the big picture? Counterproductively, I admit that I do, but I'm learning to see the forest for the trees.

Everything is imperfect. Nothing even strives for perfection because the underlying premise - the intelligence of this universe - is that it's unachievable and one is maladaptive in its pursuit. The thing that remains unfinished is not wrong, it's in play. Another metaphor to add to the mix.

I intend to spend as many moments as I can in play - and to enjoy the big-picture beauty I've created.

Spinning

In a bid to embrace the privileged urban middle aged white woman stereotype that I appear to be indulging of late, I've embarked on my most outré craft pursuit to date - spinning. Like with a spinning wheel. Like Hans Christian Andersen-y. Scott, who gets with my every creative endeavour has continued on his trajectory of support (he helped me to finish the pieces and he put the wheel together) but even he thinks I'm on the edge. Of course, he has to listen to me natter incessantly about this new pursuit; I don't really talk much but when I do I can't seem to stop and it's all about yards per pound and grist and twist angle. He advises that this is only slightly more tolerable conversation than that during the "giving up sugar" days of 2016.

While it may seem as if I conjured this up in a moment of wine-fueled joviality, I've been thinking about spinning for a long time. My favourite aspect of knitting is the tactile joy I obtain from fibre. I'm that person who researches everything about yarn properties and spinning mechanism (worsted vs woolen which I've recently come to learn take on the most amplified denotations in the spinner set). While I don't have much interest in dyeing anything (strange given my love of potions, I realize), I know all about the dye methods of my stash yarns. I'm that silly hobby-farm wannabe to whom they could market yarns from named sheep (as seen on the label!).

But I also love working with my hands. My hands are like my eyes, when I craft. I see with them. Brief sidebar: I've often looked at my hands with concern for their ever aging appearance and occasional, but significant, pain challenges. Let me formally apologize to my lovely, wonderful hands for this ungracious behaviour. They facilitate much of what gives me meaning in my life and I am eternally grateful for them.

At any rate, over the years, I've spent a strange amount of time on YouTube watching spinners in different parts of the world - each having a different lifestyle, background, fibre preference, drafting* techniques - spinning yarn on one crazy wheel after another. Those Saxony-style ones are wild! Given that I am working very actively to develop neuroplastic solutions for biochemical challenges, I'm amazed that it took me so long to realize that this could be my equivalent of a therapy animal. Moreover, though my body/mind is exhausted, my intellectual brain surfaces every once in a while and it needs something to which it may apply itself. Oh, friends, the topic of spinning is effing vast.

Spinning is political, social, economic, feminist, scientific, folkloric, mystical, religious. It encroaches ever-closer toward the beginning of the food and manufacturing chain of which commercial yarn is the end result. Just what it takes to scratch the surface about sheep, their fibre and animal husbandry is hours and hours and hours of internet "fun". Spinning technique is polarizing, in some ways, inclusive in others. It is a solitary endeavour in today's world, at least in person. You think it's hard to find knitting friends? Spinning wheels are rather an investment, so cut that pool by a factor of 100...

By way of deets: I deliberately bought a bobbin-led wheel. Not to spiral down the drain of spinning minutiae, but you know the tools make the artist. I wanted a wheel that would rely more on my emerging skill than the technical capacity (tensile mechanism) of the machine. Also, commercial spinning is bobbin-led. If it's good enough for them... I don't love fiddling with machines. I'd rather know my own capacity and achieve my outcome by calibrating my interaction with the wheel. The bobbin-led mechanism is good for beginners and good for experts. This wheel is one I can use indefinitely, skill notwithstanding.

I also prefer the compact-quality of a castle-style machine (one in which the bobbin/flyer mechanism is placed atop the wheel). Finally, I required a modern-wheel design to suit the style of my home and my own (strong) personal preference. Oh, and I wanted to buy something good - but to spend less than the 1200 bucks and upwards that the fancy wheels cost (to say nothing of the extra kit one must purchase to be set up optimally to learn this skill, see more below).

Meet my Louet S17. It's got the functionality of the pricier S10 but you buy it flat packed, finish it and assemble it:

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Not gonna pretend, I'm very overwhelmed today, like a current between live wires. I mean, books are overwhelming me as they sit quietly on the table?! I've gone out "a lot" in the past few days and another doc appt tomorrow first thing. Also, while I LOVE this beautiful machine that Scott just assembled for me, it's a lot to process.

A post shared by Kristin (@kristinm100) on Apr 10, 2019 at 9:33am PDT

For this effort, you save about half the price.

But you know I don't do set up by half measures. I've done as much internet research on spinning tools as I could undertake in 3 weeks - which is quite a lot, as it happens. And I determined that, in order to make 3-ply fingering yarn (my end-goal - and I'm happy to meander there as it's meant to be), in addition to my gorgeous wheel, I would require:

• Stand-alone lazy kate
• Extra bobbin (so I have 4 large bobbins)
• Twist angle, TPI and WPI cards
• Card tags (for sampling) / hole punch
• Niddy noddy (for skeining and one of the methods for estimating yardage)
• Magnifying glass (to see the angle of twist on tiny singles)
• A subscription to Ply magazine. If you are thinking of spinning but haven't yet taken the plunge, invest in an issue of this mag. Just from ads alone it will point you in many interesting directions and it really is a fascinating publication. 
• Combed top! (This is worsted-prep fibre). I got some super fun wools of different qualities - long staple, medium staple, low micron count (merino), higher micron count (BFL), dyed, undyed, etc. Peeps, this is the wild west of spinning. I note with interest that spinning high-quality fibre is as expensive as buying high-quality yarn - only you don't have to spend hours making the store-bought yarn?!

These are in addition to things I already own:

• All the digital scales in the land
• Swift
• Skein winders 
• A bobbin winder - cuz did you know a bobbin-led machine is also a bobbin winder??
• A couple of good spinning books - just make sure you don't undertake this sport without Yarnitecture by Jillian Moreno 
• A good clothing steamer

For posterity, allow me to advise that, as of this moment, I have no interest in preparing a fleece. That task is replete with bugs and grossness. Moreover, I currently have no interest in dying fleece. There are so many fantastic dyers out there - and they put together beautiful rolags (woolen-prep fibre method) and top (worsted-prep fibre method) that are gorgeously, expertly, dyed. The idea of bringing that degree of mess into my house (and potential for staining things) is not appealing.

What is appealing? Moving into the meditative trance that is spinning. You don't need to be able to make usable yarn to have an awesome time undertaking this activity. To date, I spin, learn and discard my handmade yarn rope.  It is every bit as gorgeously enjoyable as you would imagine having observed spinners on the internet. It really is magic. Also, bar none, it's the best biofeedback tool I've ever come across. There is a universe to understand in every draft and draw. I know that sounds extra, but I say it without hyperbole.

I have barely scratched the surface of my own entry into this topic - itself so vast that I have not the slightest idea of where I might find the next crevice, a foot-hold. One thing I did a bunch of research about (before determining that treadle spinning is where I'm at right now) - is the exciting world of e-spinners. These come in many price points and designs. They do not require treadling because electricity does that part for you. I opted for a standard wheel because, in treadle-spinning, mine is the energy - the current - imparted in the fibre. Having said this, I love the idea of electrical spinning too. The method is portable, exceedingly compact, requires less full-body coordination and it can make very consistent yarn, even as you lounge on the couch. Also, for people with mobility challenges, this may be a viable alternative when treadling isn't in the cards. Alas, I'm the kind of lady who will be inclined to purchase, should it come to pass, a fancy-ass e-spinner. Because, if I do end up buying one, it will be cuz spinning has taken as primary a role in my art. And, at that point, I'll buy the best - and most attractive - tool I can afford.

But today's questions: Do you spin? If yes, what's your wheel? Do you e-spin? If you do both, which do you prefer? Do you feel that you could not live without your flyer-led machine (Scotch tension)? What motivated you to choose the wheel you chose? Are you a "technical spinner" or an "intuitive spinner"? Note: I believe you can be both - this is more to ask about whether you do all the mathy things that come with spinning or just let yourself spin something, the details of which are not interesting to you. I wanna know! Also - what was the best piece of info about spinning that you learned, as a beginner? Oh, just tell me anything!

* Drafting is the art of lengthening the fibre (in accordance with the staple length) to ensure, along with treadle speed and twist, that the yarn is of the grist desired. Grist is a measurement of density / amount of fibre in a length of yarn.

In Which I Describe How I Became an Artist

When I listen to music, I always find the harmony. It's a strange (and beautiful) thing that my brain does - it hears the alternate melody every time. To make matters more fabulous, I can sing the shit out of that harmony. When I listen to music, I'm confounded by the mystery of everything - as every musician is, I have to assume. Because everything is right there, being pulled from the ether by one's connection to subtlety. This is why music can bring you to the edge of all feeling.

Not to dwell - though if ever I were going to dwell, wouldn't this be the perfect topic, what with its innate optimism? - but when I listen to music I hear math. Never in a zillion years did I think I could ever make such a statement because, truly, I'm still so scarred by Grade 13 calculus that I swear to God, if you paid me, I couldn't tell you what one uses calculus for. I cannot remember a damn thing about it except that I cried through my entire exam. Quietly. And all of my classmates (all 17 of them) felt terrible for me because they couldn't understand how I could be so far from connecting the dots - interpreting logic. I couldn't understand it either.

When I learned to knit* (for the second time, 8 years ago), I started to feel math in my fingers. Allow me to restate this, to belay any confusion: I'm not that girl who grew up "getting" math and seeing numbers metaphorically scribbled in the air. I avoided math my whole life. Math found me and it found me in the form of art.

Admittedly, it muscled its way in there. My father is a math person. I studied piano, 'cello, voice - all numeric on some level. Cooking and baking are mathy arts (and I have never spent 3 seconds being concerned by this - if that's the price of pretty food, math away). I was always making things, things you could eat or read (ah, cadence). I wanted a chemistry set so badly - until I realized baking was a chemistry set you could use for eating purposes. I'm nothing if not practical. (Also, it didn't freak out my parents the way sulphur would have.)

When I listen to music, I'm enveloped in the vast buoyancy of the creative spirit. It's like when I go to the art gallery. I look at a painting and I feel the brush strokes as they were applied. Don't ask me how I know. I am frequently driven to tears, feeling what the artist felt in her fingers (esp when I listen to piano and 'cello), back-pedaling through the history of human emotion. You may say: Kristin, you have no fucking idea what that artist felt. I tell you, I do. Because it's not a timeline, it's mindline. We've just tapped into the same well, momentarily.

Artists connect with a place that's hidden from many. The reason I love The Mists of Avalon so much is because it explains my relationship with art as magic, magic being its own art. Artistry is a deep, remote plane. I knew I was an artist from the get go. Words would form in pattern. Textures would call to me in a strange language. It's what I imagine "healers" feel. They connect with a vast well of human reckoning. That's what I do, only the energy I reckon with is the beauty of form.

I was out for lunch the other day; you know that Scott is monitoring me carefully and we sometimes go down the block so that I can achieve my daily exposure to stimulus. We went to our place that doesn't stress me out, down the block, a place that we've been frequenting for 20 years. While talking with our server, the convo gradually turned to her life. She's a student at OCADU (our art university in TO), a painter, and she showed me some photos of her work. I was blown away, btw. She's got talent (and I don't go out of my way to say this). I'm going to buy one of her pieces, though I can't say when. Eventually, she asked me what I do. Natch, this is a strange moment for me to be confronted by that question, but - with nary a pause - I said: I'm a textile artist.

I don't where it came from but I was not horrified in the moment when I said this. It was the truth. I no longer feel that calling myself an artist is nervy. The universe has been holding a special space for me in the plane of art and I've refused to inhabit it because, on the one hand, how can I be something if I don't earn money doing it? On the other hand, artists are so very special. How can I put myself in that elevated domain?

Let me tell you how. I work constantly on my art. It starts off mediocrely. I improve it via research and reading and deep observation and becoming, on some level, its form as I make it. I start with an idea and I refine it into an object. I feel it in my fingers before it becomes something. It is a part of me and a part of something much beyond me. But when I make it, for a brief moment, I touch what's beyond me and it fills me with spectacular joy.

I have no idea of what to make of this, but when we talked, we talked the language of art and I was authentic. I will leave parts of myself behind in my work as the women of Shetland did. I will continue to cast spells in all of my garments as I have since the beginning. I will continue to sing the harmony.

* In a huge irony, the woman who taught me to knit when I was 12 - my next door neighbour Judy - was a brilliant high school math teacher?! She also happened to teach at the school where my (longest-standing) friend Hilary's mother taught drama - all the way on the other side of the city. Judy told me about Hilary before I met her at French summer school (our public school learning on the topic was not adequate and we were both joining SCS in Grade 7, so extra school it was). While intense education upended my knitting options in adolescence, I have so much gratitude for Judy who, in retrospect, taught me much more than I ever could have imagined at the time. In another irony, I found myself working with her daughter-in-law 10 years ago - the partner of the baby I looked after in my teens. And this was determined, bizarrely, because my name was written on a piece of paper than France (the DIL) brought home from work and Judy saw. I haven't seen Judy in 30 years. This is what I mean when I say TO is a village!

Why I Don't Like Knitting Top-Down Sweaters "In the Round"

Unless you're new to knitting sweaters, you've probably considered multiple reasons why the seamed versions may be preferable to the ones one knits in the round - particularly the top-down raglan kind. Having considered all of the factors, you may still prefer to knit a lot of top-down raglans in the round and, if that's the case, round-away. Every time I knit one though, it does not spark joy (and btw, neither does that stupid term that is now so deeply embedded in my mind, I appear to use it conversationally?!). It actually sparks irritation. Like, from beginning to end. So why have I just done it again??

Allow me to elaborate.

For starters, I think we can agree that knitting any sweater is a worthy project and one should feel very good about giving it a go and learning and completing it and wearing it and taking all the credit while wearing. However, I do believe it's clear that the knit-in-the-round sweaters (KITR from here on in) are technically "easier" than the worked-flat sort, all things being equal. FWIW, no one is going to argue that knitting any sweater - even the chunkiest thing, done in the round in stockinette with no embellishments of any type - is a quick win. For a new knitter (or one who loves the fit and style), KITRs are great. But in my personal experience, things generally look complicated when they are complicated.

Here's the thing - I do like complexity and I cannot lie. I don't think I've ever made a KITR that I've worn in the end. I've given them away or ripped them back to reuse the yarn. As I rarely make sweaters using needles that are thicker than 3mm with any yarn above sport-weight (and that's slim yarn, for the non-knitters who may be reading), that means I have spent a considerable amount of time in my day making sweaters that I then rip out. And, yeah, I do feel bad about having wasted hours and hours of time.

Moreover, here's what I generally dislike about the KITR:

• In its standard format, it's a "one size fits all" construction methodology, assuming that the body is equally dimensioned on the front and back.

• In order for the neckline to sit well, the front body needs to be "lower" than the back body, which requires short-rowing of the sweater just below the ribbing. It's super hard to do this well when knitting stockinette, IMO. German short rows (or maybe Japanese) are the best way to go...

• I like seams! They give structure but they also delineate the garment. The KITR feels a bit like an eel when you wear it (to me). Where are all of the lines?

• KITR construction is boring. Even when you shake it up - and I've thought long and hard about how I'm going to do my next KITR (yeah, I'm not going to pretend it'll never happen again - these patterns are popular!) such that the angle of the raglan sleeve will be very acute. It's still apt to be a massive amount of stockinette (not that it needs to be, I suppose). Knit stitch forever is not as fun as breaking it up with lace or cables or colour work or even a freakin' increase/decrease every once in a while. I didn't think I'd ever say this but, there you go.

• Depending on whom you talk to, the raglan sleeve calls attention to a proportionately large bust. I actually believe that a raglan worked well need not do this, but I agree that the "standard" raglan proportions can have this impact. Changing the angle of the raglan can mitigate this, as can knitting the body at diff inc ratios than the sleeves. But then this method becomes less simple.

• I have slim arms. And proportionately large breasts. The kind of raglan that fits me is so "unequally worked" that I can only increase evenly (aka 8 stitches per row) for part of the time. Add in the fact that my shoulder to armscye dimension is very short (6.75") and it's a bunch of crazy going on that I could totally avoid by using just about any other sort of sleeve construction. If I'm going to do math, why not go fancy?

You can see where I'm coming from.

I made my most recent raglan (the Party Top) because I was in the mood for a palate (palette?!) cleansing quick knit with a fun painted superwash yarn that's reminiscent of Madeline Tosh. Yeah, it did occur to me that I should find a raglan-sleeved pattern for fingering-weight yarn but the DK-weight party top seemed (dare I admit it) faster.

If you don't like "robust" yarn for a slim-lined sweater, don't freakin' use it (says Kristin to herself, having used it). Note: While many will suggest that DK-weight is fairly slender yarn, those who hang out in Thin-Fingeringland tend to disagree.

But this story ends up well. While I may eventually rip back this raglan pullover in DK-weight yarn, I've learned a LOT:

• Tubular cast off!!! It's so easy and so fun. I will never bind off a hem without it again. Note: My first attempt isn't perfect but my improvement ratio gives me lots of hope. There are a zillion tutorials for 1x1 rib tubular cast off - or 2x2 for that matter. Find one and try it out. I swear, it is in no way scary.

• No part of this sweater has escaped being ripped back at least once. My willingness to do this has yielded some great fit - even if the overall construction doesn't thrill me.

• I hate twisted rib. In the round it's bad enough. Knit flat (I did knit my sleeves flat so that I could diminish the too-large upper arm circumference optimally quickly, while trying to avoid too much fabric under the arm) it's a misery. I'm done with twisted rib in any volume because it causes me wrist and thumb pain.

• I have really slender arms in the scheme of things. I've got to stop making sleeves an inch to 2 inches too big in diameter, simply because the pattern ratios call for it. The thickest part of my bicep is less than 10" in circumference. Most raglans assume that one has arms of a certain girth when one has boobs of a certain size. This ain't the construction method for me (unless I want to fuss - and who wants to fuss with a purportedly unfussy construction method that isn't even that cute or structural in the end).

• I don't actually like the look of any of the hand-knit raglan "shoulder seams" that one can devise - they all seem kind of homemade to my eye.

• Should I do this again, I've got some tricks to try that I believe will improve the angle of the raglan (to better suit my frame), change the shape of the neckline and provide a less-chunky-feeling outcome (this involves a raglan made with lace-weight yarn?!!?).

I'm starting to understand that the sweaters I enjoy making are complexly patterned and either thicker than or thinner than DK/sport-weight because, for me, the neckline and shoulder fit are PARAMOUNT. Truth is, if I want a slender, fitted knit, I'm better off buying some jersey and sewing a top OR going to a nice store and spending on a machine knit of slender-gauge.

But enough about me. What's your perspective on this? Do you like the top-down raglan knit in the round? Do you prefer another construction method? Do you like the skinny yarn best? Do you, by any chance, have proportionately slim arms and big boobs but still find raglans attractive? Let's talk!

From Pain to Equilibrium: Resources

I've been working my way up to posting a huge tome about best-practice methods for managing chronic myofascial pain but, truly, it's a massive topic that's so close to home, once I'm done living it, I'm scarcely motivated to continue the conversation.

Having said this, I've written at length about this sort of pain, over many years, so I would recommend - if this post is resonant - that you use the handy search field at the top of this page and type in your subject of note. Chances are high that I've spoken about it (at some length) before...

At the end, this post includes a repository of those methods and mechanisms for peeps who are interested to learn about what works best for me. The potential benefit here, from the perspective of one trying to understand how to manage his or her own chronic pain, is that I've tried just about everything - and many things I'd never be able to come up with on my own - to move the yardstick from pain to "normal". So there's a lot to go through in this blog. If I haven't covered the subject - the internet is vast and I recommend that you put on some good music and get googling :-) because knowledge is power, my friends!

Here's the thing: there is no one definition of chronic pain. What it feels like in my body - and what triggers it - is unique. It's that way for us all, though few practitioners will disclose this (they do need a raison d'etre) - and, statistically, few support practitioners wade through the chaos of chronic pain in their own lives. So the first thing I have to say is that your only way out is YOUR way out. While they may support in many meaningful contexts, it's very unlikely that your sports med doc and your GP and your rheumatologist and your psychiatrist (these peeps do know drugs) and your physiotherapist and your massage therapist and your pain clinic and your cardiologist and your acupuncturist and your yoga therapist and your INSERT NEXT DOCTOR HERE are going to provide you with the answer. Just ask anyone with chronic pain.

To drive this point home again... Put 2 people in a room, both suffering from the after-effects of a concussion, and you will almost certainly find yourself looking at 2 totally different presentations of pain and other symptomology. It's just that way with all chronic pain - myofascial, fibromyalgic, neuropathic and so on. What's the common denominator? A dysregulated central nervous system. As a macro, this intel is very useful. On the micro-level, it's almost meaningless.

I will also disclose, at this juncture, what with my being a fully-formed middle-aged person who can no longer be bothered to hide behind social mores, that I have experienced so many bizarre symptoms and forms of pain at this point, I scarcely know how to quantify them - except to say that I hid many of them from most of my medical practitioners for years because - you heard it here first - those symptoms freaked me out so significantly.

I think you'd agree, I don't come off as the kind of person who hides things cuz they're too scary to think about.

Chronic pain is also, 9/10 times, accompanied or defined by a series of co-morbid conditions that overlap - again, cuz central sensitization occurs at the centre - the CNS - spiraling out in a series of metaphoric floral motifs (what? I need to find some creativity in this topic). We might as well call it "one really nasty outcome of CNS dysregulation" because it never is one thing - it's everything. Which is why you can't fix it like a UTI.

But back to my special format: myofascial. In layperson terms, a swirly vortex of pain likes to inhabit various different zones in my body, almost like a poltergeist. That pain can be extremely intense, coming on like lightning and lasting mere moments to weeks, or dull and systemic, also lasting moments to weeks. It can be notably neuropathic (migraines, "sciatica") to utterly muscular (that phenomenon I refer to as "turtling" where every muscle within a certain zone becomes observably as hard as steel). Sometimes it tangos, elegantly, with SVT, producing an otherworldly sensation. I've also got some joint pain due to that lovely, early-onset osteoarthritis and all of the inflammation it brings to the fore. In some ways, the most problematic sensation isn't full-on pain but mass inflexibility. Though no one would define me as anything other than physically flexible, I feel internally stuck in a way that makes me want to tear at my skin so that I can be liberated from its confines.

For me, right now, fascia - that lovely layer that covers everything in the body, so it's got real estate - isn't functioning "normally". The fibers are unyielding, so replete with nerves that, for the "right" person, alighting the nerve response is like shooting fish in a barrel. Hilariously, I'm hyper mobile in certain ways. For example, in my years of fancy-ass yoga practice, I managed to bypass all of the myofascial triggers that warn me of an impending pain flare. And I suffered. Just cuz something looks pretty doesn't mean it isn't causing harm. And natch, just because it causes harm in one person in one time period, doesn't mean that it will in the next. Note: My yoga practice, in as much as it's brought on pain, is likely the thing that's saved me from the very ebb - so nothing is simple.

Believe it or not, while age has given volume to the pain, my management plan is so utterly sophisticated at this point, I'm faring far better than I did a decade ago. Of course, a decade ago, I wasn't having to manage it as constantly or fervently. And a decade ago my life had not spiraled into the complex landscape that it is today.

As I re-read this post, I imagine that you must be thinking: Lord, Kristin must be freaking out about the unknown end state of all of this. In case that's crossed your mind, let me assure you that I am not. I don't have that luxury and - mercifully - I don't have that mindset. Miraculously, I'm able to view this through the prism of experimentation. I believe absolutely in the power of my mental flexibility. To me, everything is a game, a puzzle. Pain management is how I occupy my time when I'm not doing all of the other things (or in lieu of, on occasion, suboptimally). Say what you will, I am incomparably fortunate to have this natural propensity. Other than money and my awesome husband, this is my strongest protective factor. These three things are a worthy triumvirate.

But other things also help immeasurably (and in no particular order):

• MELT Method (a type of myofascial bodywork done with a special roller)

• Yoga / Bodywork: For me it's traction and therapeutic, for the most part, these days (Note: I'm a teacher with 30 years of experience. Don't try this at home if you don't know what you're doing. Just look up by a couple of paragraphs and you'll see why.)

• Acupressure mats and pillows: I call these my head and bed of nails

• Body scrubbing: for those with fucked up fascia, this is way more useful than you might imagine. It takes a while though and it requires a certain amount of flexibility.

• Massage

• Acupuncture: combined with massage, this is extremely effective in a time-limited fashion

• Nutrition: I follow a Primal Lifestyle diet and avoid all grains, processed foods and sugar. We're all unique but this particular diet-style seems to work for lots when it comes to pain management.

• Supplements: You should talk to your naturopath about which ones are best for you. Magnesium glycinate and vit D are usually good for everyone.

• Sleep: improvement by whatever means necessary. Arguably, this is the most important one of all if you read through the studies.

• Extremely moderate exercise: (Is that even a thing?) Walking, but not as much as you'd like. Yoga or cycling - but not so much that you hit a limit. Managing pain is all about understanding the parameters. This has been my biggest challenge because I'm not moderate. People have been telling me for years to do weight work. Every time I do it, I end up in pain. For me, the optimal weight work is in using my own body in certain modified yoga poses I've spent years honing. Peeps with chronic pain often produce that pain with exercise not because exercise is bad but because those peeps have a dysregulated CNS, symptomologically exacerbated by certain exercise. Remember, everyone is unique.

• Meditation and CBT: At some point, you're going to have to wade into the depths of grief caused by pain that doesn't appear to be going away according to your timeline (or that dictated by your sanity). You're also likely going to be awake for that dark night of the soul. Learn these by whatever means possible. Bonus: Everyone should be doing this so you'll just be extra-sassy and ahead of the curve!

• Any functional neuroplastic method you can find or make up: And yeah, you can totally make it up. Seriously, if you can fake knitting, you can fake neuroplasticity until you get there!

• Pharmaceuticals: Ain't gonna wade into this topic, which is vast and laden with landmines. But if you've had chronic pain, chances are you've gone down this path. For myofascial pain, muscle relaxants that work on the brain (i.e. cyclobenzaprine) can be very helpful, if they work. Drugs can be long-term or short-term. Aim for short-term because the consequences are usually more tolerable.

• Medical cannabis: Another vast topic... One day I'll start a blog on this topic. Note: Most doctors don't know what the hell they're doing on this topic. I have to assume this will change.

• Trigger avoidance: Alas, you need to know what these are in order to utilize this method.
  

• Getting the co-morbid conditions under control: For example: If you have anxiety disorder that's contributing to your CNS dysregulation, consider an SSRI. Or, if you have structural TMJD, get a mouth gizmo. If you can't sleep, you MUST figure that shit out. Nothing will improve till sleep does.

• Learn by books and blogs: I won't lie. There aren't a ton of good pain blogs out there. This cohort isn't at its snappiest much of the time. I only hope that, if we consider mine a pain blog at this juncture, it isn't boring and it is helpful. There are a lot of studies out there to become acquainted with. Painscience.com speaks of them at length. (This blog is sometimes useful but often strident, be warned.) Also, there's a great book that provides tremendous insight and practical support re: the relationship between CNS dysregulation and pain: The Fibro Manual by Ginevra Liptan. You don't need to have fibromyalgia to benefit from this book. It pertains to all pain and sleep disorders. It's also written by an MD who lives with fibromyalgia so it's got some street cred. It's neither allopathically nor "alternatively" focused. It takes a multi-pronged approach, really, the only one works. I also recommend Healing through Trigger Point Theraapy: A Guide to Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction by Starlanyl and Sharkey.

• A collegial relationship with as many of your doctors as possible: Note: When you need them most, that's when your ability to maintain and develop collaboration will be at its weakest. These people need to see you in good times and in bad.

• DNA testing, but not if you aren't one of those peeps who likes to learn about gene-coding and then to figure out science.

• Friends / Family / Pets: (though not if you need to care for these on your own) Don't discount the magic of community. When you can do nothing else, you can accept love and support from those who care about you - and give it when you see pain in your midst. Pain's one optimistic trait is the compassion that it brings to the fore. May we all leverage this to our advantage.

• Knitting: No joke, I am currently sane because of yarn an needles (and not just the acupuncture kind). You can swap in anything that brings you tactile joy, that soothes your soul, that creates beauty and that can be done anywhere. And then do it cuz it doesn't work otherwise.

It's amazing to me that this is just part of the daily regimen that helps me and is by no means an exhaustive list of everything I've tried to date - or will try in the future. Hope it provides a starting off point for anyone who may be able to benefit from my insight thus far.

Fascinating Question, Fun Game

I was just lamenting, in email, the ways in which my life is not analogous to Mimi Thorisson's. I've been vaguely obsessed by the idea of going to one of her cooking weeks in Medoc, for years. There's one that's all about drinking wine - no joke. She doesn't even try to make it seem "pairing-oriented", just about getting one's wine-on at 10am. I appreciate her honesty.

She's also 40-something with 8-ish kids (many of which she's birthed), 100 dogs and a kitchen with a massive hearth. She looks twenty-something with the figure of a sexy elf and her house has bones, people. Like, it saw action in the second world war and the first world war and the revolution.

Effectively, I read her cookbook when I want to feel bad about being me, I mean, be aspirational.

So my smart friend, replied to my envy-laden email, with something to the effect that I don't like children, I don't like taking care of anything living, I don't like to leave the house in bad weather (and let's face it, Medoc ain't known for its sun) and I can't stand having my photo posted unless I'm in control / may choose from 100 versions of my profile, but then I'm also too lazy to go through this process.

And I was like, OMG. That is beyond true. Even if that woman is living the dream (her husband is Icelandic in a hot way), she has to deal with more children and dogs - even if she has lots of help - than I could possibly get with. Even more than you could get with. Be real. Can you imagine how many creatures are touching the walls in that chalet?!? I'd be losing my shit.

Then my friend asked me to consider, if I could twitch my nose and have all the money I would ever need and more, how would I actually change my life. That's a strangely fascinating question. And it's not that hard to answer.

Here's what I came up with:

• I'd quit my job. Not because I don't love many aspects of my career (and I do) - and not because I don't love having a job to go to, with so many amazing friends and colleagues - but it's a vortex of stress by anyone's standards and it's probably the most implicated factor in my pain condition challenges.

• I'd buy a couple of apartments out of Toronto - one as a base in Europe, the warm and sunny part, one in Mtl. I'd have them renovated perfectly but I'd have money to throw at those renos. I'd have people for that shit! Of course, I would keep my TO home. There are few more fab places to live between June and October than Toronto.

• I'd give fun gifts to everyone I know or to people I hear about who need some TLC. You tired? Have a week in Barbados. Wanna see Easter Island before you die? Check. Is there a cashmere sweater you can't walk away from? No need to. Wanna eat the best meal ever? So do I! Note - I'm adequately selfish to do this on my own terms. Peeps aren't going to bamboozle me.

• I'd give money to all sorts of causes - including chronic pain researchers and those who work to make the world safer for everyone.

• I'd have an entire room dedicated to the best yarn - like my own shop (and I'd give yarn away to those who need it which, let's face it, is everyone!) - and I'd have a super-modern spinning wheel that's utterly chic and I'd have my own alpacas on a farm that sends me the roving and photos of my cute alpacas and when I chose I would visit them.

• I'd have in-home saunas everywhere - the custom kind.

• I'd have a housekeeper and chef and body work therapist of choice, onsite at whenever I need them, but they wouldn't be in my space or cause me anxiety. (I'm pretty sure you can buy this, somehow.)

• I'd go to health spas whenever I felt like it. The kind in Germany that double as fancy spas.

• I'd have a good wine cellar. I'd fully give into my snobisme du vin. There would only be "weekend" wine. (Hell, there's only weekend wine now. This is a no-brainer.)

• I'd travel first class. Everywhere. Not business class. Not private plane. I want first class and I regret to tell you that it's because I'm so small-minded that I LOVE to be the first on and the first off and to be sure that there are no double-bookings of my seat and to have access to the washroom that 800 people with a cold aren't also eligible to use. And to have glasses and dishware that isn't plastic. And to be able to use the fancy lounge at the international airports. And to get ice cream mid-flight. OMG - and I'd book the first 3 rows of non-first class so that I'd be sure no babies would be allowed anywhere near me. (And then I'd give the seats away to those who had been overbooked on the flight - as long as they don't have small kids. Sorry people with babies on a plane. I'm not your friend. But if you want a good bottle of wine...)

• I'd start a couple of "foundations" aka Kristin-funded projects that are enjoyable and that improve the world (IMO): One would be a bra-fitting and sourcing outfit (pun intended) where those who need gorgeous bras but can't afford them could go to learn more about fit, and/or gain access to good products. I'd have one rule - everyone gets matching sets and I would ensure that my fave vendors got tons of press (Broad, I'm looking at you.) The other would be a medical cannabis network wherein I could use my years of experience (and I'm not overstating it when I say that I know more about this topic than just about anyone else I've ever met), both cannabis- and pain-related, to give people actual, discrete and detailed info that may improve their lives. Cannabis doctors are a bizarrely uninformed lot and I am a bizarrely data-oriented pain-haver. I've got charts.

• I'd run knitting retreats for people with chronic pain, teaching them how to knit ergonomically and with a yogic/meditative philosophy. There would be sheep on hand (but in a barn!). There would also be indoor pets (that are perfectly clean at all times) for people to cozy up next to that would be walked magically, and not by me.

But never mind me. I'd love to know what you would do to change your current life if, all of a sudden, you were financially all set. You get to choose! No rules! Please come up with some fun tales because I'm in the mood to imagine.

Resolute

Perhaps you can relate to this: a scenario in which there is much to say but no earthly way to say it in a blog post (or a memoir, frankly). I've hesitated to write because there's no sassy vignette to relay, just the deeply chaotic part of transformation. It's dull on paper. It's brutal to live through. What I can say is that, if you are (un)fortunate enough to meet your limit, chances are your identity is swimming in the dark realm of Hades.

BTW, no one has accused me of being light-hearted these last few months. To give a brief overview of the situation, I've been on medical leave since mid-October for a variety of reasons, the prominent ones being arrhythmia and horrendous pain. The arrhythmia is now under control, though it took a good month (fwiw, I barely leave the house, so loath am I to encounter stimulus). The pain has thrown me for a loop (not that I have that degree of flexibility lately).

You will rarely find a person having chronic pain that doesn't also have a very high pain tolerance because the pain is untethered. Centralized, chronic pain is a different beast than the standard-issue (also potentially intense) acute variety. I think we can all agree, what with science confirming it in recent years, all pain comes from neural interpretation. And when your brain decides to turn everything into a platform for pain, well, it can be torment. The very instrument that defines me, that creates and justifies my identity, seems intent on driving me to near madness. Actually, I don't think it cares if I come near the madness or surpass it. It has a mind of its own which I am handcuffed to. That mind is called fear. Don't kid yourselves, fear is to pain what munchies are to the stereotypical pothead.

What I've learned this time around - and it's taken me almost 3 months to get to this stage (three months of navigating the health system when I could barely function), is that there is no way beat central sensitization without becoming someone new. And it's very hard to become someone new at the best of times, much less when you can't think straight - literally. My very way of being predisposes me to live with something untenable. My style has always been to power through - to be bigger than the discomfort - because, frankly, that's how I define used to define capacity. But that response is as culpable for pain's entrenchment as my genetic make-up or the chance-y spin of the wheel that makes me all of the things I am.

Not to dwell on my symptomology because it's both boring and quite enough to fucking live it, but I manage a variety of co-morbid conditions, which is proving to be a serious pain-provoker in concert with my ruminative brain. On any given day something is bound to hurt - that's just how it goes. But nothing has ever hurt like the pain I started to experience about 6 weeks ago. (Not even broken bones or traumatic childbirth with no meds.) Mercifully, while doing everything non-medical to move out of this phase, I'm on a cocktail of drugs that's masking the pain* but every once in a while it breaks through, even as I sense the inflammatory cycle is running its course. What is left in its wake is fear. Fear of pain that I will not be able to manage, though ironically it's likely the inability to manage fear that's amplifying pain.

This bout has been partly neuropathic, partly muscle-based. Bizarre muscular contraction sensitized nerves which then gave ballast to additional muscular contraction. While in spasm, my left upper leg feels as if it's being stabbed with a knife, routinely. I'm not being dramatic. Note to all: I am also using every non-drug methodology at my access - which is really where I excel in pain management, but Lord, this run briefly brought me to my knees. Fear is the ego of the autonomic body. It will be heard at unspeakable volume, if that's what it takes. And till you dig through the debris of fear, the pain has free-reign. FWIW, this moment is likely being "caused" (inasmuch as chronic pain has known cause) by those delightful osteophytes that line my spine - those unattractive little bone sprus that, statistically, half of you have too, to some degree, by the age of 50, and that you don't even know about because you've never experienced pain as a result.

I recently read the comment of a chronic pain-haver, on describing her unending conditions, symptoms and reasons for said misery, as giving her "pain street cred", a term with which I can relate all too well. I'm kind of an expert so I recommend that you listen to me when I say this: There is no exit until you can identify in what way your bodily pain is the biophysical interpretation of everything, including perceived** (if not actual) non-physical trauma - because your body's perception is all that you require to put you in this dubious club.

By its own estimation, my body has been running daily marathons for years - hypersensitized in just about every way because my inbred response to any fucking stimulus (for example: someone walking quietly into a room where I am sitting) is over-activation of my central nervous system. And just about nothing in my life (which I have created - it's on me) is "stress-lite". You can't hope to eradicate perceived trauma until you can observe it consciously and physical pain is a worthy distraction, in addition to being a learned, ruminative, biochemical response. It's my job to find some way to make it clear to my body-mind that perceived trauma transmuted into pain is no longer a necessary, nor is it a desirable response. I really don't like to admit this. I don't want to believe that my physical pain has any psychoemotional subtext because I'm fucking strong. My brain is powerful. I accomplish.

Pain makes me weak because it scares the fucking shit out of me. It's the final unknown, like death - but probably worse because death is a moment in time. Pain is the encroachment of death in the form of fear. I say this not to clinically depress us all, but to remind my potent sensitivity of its culpability in this cycle. I'm not casting blame, though I definitely judge myself and, yeah, I know that's counterproductive. I'm reminding my sensitive self that its biggest obstacle is also its greatest strength.

I've said before on this blog, generally when referring to New Year's resolutions, that I'd be wise to cultivate some compassion. It's like I didn't get that chip when they constructed my emotional motherboard. Instead, I got a triple of the critical eye. My ability to criticize, specifically analytically, is pivotal to the work I do professionally. It's also pivotal to the way I conduct myself everywhere cuz girl likes her groove.

I am working constantly, on this leave of absence, aka the least fun I've ever had in my life, to become neurochemically and behaviourally different (thanks meditation and CBT and 'script cannabis and traction yoga and pharmaceuticals and supplements and acupuncture/cupping and cold-pressed juice shots and my GP and the specialists I've been seeing and my husband and my mom and my friends and lots of books on the topic and bad Netflix which is sometimes the only thing that keeps anyone going, let's get real). I have no manual for this - engaging with myself under new parameters, working all the angles to find compassion for myself - my original victim - so that I can let go of the relentless grip. I'm hovering in the stratosphere of fear, where the air is paper thin. But I'm also at a moment of great transition, an opportunity for nervous reconstruction - an overhaul. I'm to be reassembled without instruction but according to a noble plan. And as always, my money's on me. I'm a worthy project.

*Alas, these are not drugs that one can take indefinitely. My work these last 6 weeks has been to find a way to decrease the pain (via non-drug formats) while tapering the medication. Note also that I have never before inferred that pharmaceuticals may be a desirable long term solution - which is evidence of the degree of pain I have found myself in of late.

** There are many who have experienced actual physical trauma or who have been harmed by internalized psychological trauma but I use the term "perceived" deliberately. There are some who have lived through war and abuse who do not have chronic pain, perhaps because they haven't somatized it - probably because that's not how they're wired. Or perhaps, credit where it's due, because they've done some hard fucking work.