Saturday, September 15, 2018

Thoughts or Feelings?

I don't know what epitaph they'll inscribe on my headstone (or if I'll be cremated, more to the point), but I really hope it's not: Nothing was ever good enough or If you want something done right, do it yourself. But honestly, I'm either stuck in a strange astrological vortex wherein everyone is seriously phoning in quality or I'm pathologically fussy. And, btw, I've ruminated on this for a couple of years now so I'm going throw my take into the ring: I'm in the vortex.

Now, you might not agree - which is actually why I'm writing this post. Sometimes, when one is so fixed in one's on place, one can be misguided (I suppose). So, in full disclosure, I am compulsive about order. What this means, for my brain, is that everything needs to be positioned in a certain way (no need to explain the specifics, it's boring enough to live through) and smudges, scuffs and schmutz are the very bane of my existence. Sometimes, when I notice disorder as I define it, and other people are around, I cannot stop myself from starting to clean or reorganize, while simultaneously apologizing for the hideousness we've all been forced to look at. I've spent many a dinner party pruning the back yard.

I'm semi-regularly advised that I must relax, that no one else notices these things, that I'm distracting in my distraction. The reason I didn't invite people over for the 5 years before we did the reno is because there was so much imperfection, like everywhere, that I couldn't subject people to it.

I realize that, while my reno has re-established a sort of glory that this house may never have seen previously, that doesn't fix my compulsiveness. One of the hardest elements of my particular psycho-profile is that I am magically drawn to all evidence of disorder and non-negotiably compelled to assuage it. This is not a tendency I have developed. I was born this way. As mentioned, my long-term memory is not my strong-suit, but memories I have all share disorder as a sub-theme.

My post so far is somewhat prejudicial, I realize. Of course, I imagine, you must believe that I'm the issue here. But I truly don't think I am, not that my nature is helping anything.

My (custom, which is to say, not cheap) kitchen was largely remade because it was shoddily put together the first time. The cupboard door edges weren't beveled (?), the clasp openers (I don't like handles) were inferior and constantly disconnecting so they had to be replaced. The drawer rollers were like something out of IKEA circa 1978. In a misguided effort to fix cupboards onsite, an uncareful kitchen guy broke one of my absurdly expensive quartz countertops, which then had to be replaced (and not on my dime).

We spent 2 hours cleaning a wall of windows today because, though we've had professional window cleaners in - and our house cleaners have taken a run at them every time they been - said windows have been so ineptly destreaked, they continued to be a blight to behold. I know, post-renovation, one's windows continue to accumulate dust. But that's not what I'm referring to here. Part of window-cleaning involves recognizing that casings are part of the freakin' windows, no?

I could go on for pages but every time I look at something I'm distracted by the need to fix it. To wit: When readjusting the doors and improving the slightly asymmetric structure of my fireplace built-in, the peeps left silicone crap all over the quartz at the hearth. How can I read a book while that's going on?? Also, I'm not going to apologize for expecting perfect symmetry in that built-in. If it was good enough for the medieval Italians, it's good enough for me.

But enough complaining. I know - it's unattractive.

Though I'm conflating issues (work done by others and desire for "things done right" according to me) I'm curious to know how you manage your need for order. For starters, do you have one? If not, please tell me your secret - and I really hope it's not "my brain just works this way"! :-) Do you find it difficult to enjoy your space because you're compelled to improve it, rather than just to be with it? Do you have any "be here now exercises" which you apply so that you can just sit there on occasion and not feel like everything is falling into decay? How do you have people into your home to do things / clean things / fix things and not feel like, in lieu of paying them for their service, you should actually be lecturing them on the inferiority of their work.

Please know, when someone does something well, on the one hand I'm amazed and thrilled - and incredibly complimentary/grateful. On the other hand, it's as it should be. I would never provide you with less than I expect for and of myself. Isn't that the way the world should work?

Thanks so much in advance for any insights you can provide.

Sincerely, That Girl Who'd Prefer Not To Feel This Way All the Time

PS: FWIW, my husband completely shares my ire re: the ineptitude of much work done, but he's less traumatized by disorder than I am. So some things actually bother him as much as, or more than me, while others irritate him in a way he can completely ignore.

15 comments:

  1. I do not have a need for order, at least not in the way you do! I'm sitting in a messy room with dishes and school stuff a cat carrier that got used last week and a bar fridge my landlord hasn't picked up yet, and none of it bugs me enough to want to do something about it. However, when it comes to word processing or graphic design, I'm picky as hell. I think my takeaway from our differences is that we are the way we are, and it's hard to change what is hardwired into our brains!

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  2. Question: If you see a smudge on a painted wall, are you cool with that? (If only I could be cool with that, my life would be a lot less stressful :-))

    This whole brain thing is a double-edged sword. I guess my nature inclines me to knit technically and to seam things well. So my art is that much better as a result. At least by my definition of good!? :-)

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  3. I like a certain type of order. I can live with a little clutter but wall-to-wall chaos makes me squirrely.
    A smudge on the wall -it depends on the smudge. If it's something that needs to come off now (as in it's now or never{oil stains, egg, tomato*}) then it's done now.
    I like to think of dealing with this stuff as a choice. When I am old and drooling in my wheelchair in a nursing home am I going to remember the cleaning I did or the fun I had instead?
    *once, years ago, within the space of one week, I dropped a tray of hot quesadillas and had an egg explode in my kitchen after being improperly microwaved. That had to be cleaned up then or it never would have come off the cupboards and floors. Kicker was I was already late for an engagement.

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    1. It sounds like you're a completely rational, balanced person!

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  4. I have a pretty intense need for order and cleanliness (which is why our big renovation 11 years ago will probably be our last!) and I find keeping the house day to day really takes a lot of talking to myself about it. We have four children, and there is a certain amount of chaos and mess that accompanies six people in 1600 vertical square feet.

    I do have a conversation with myself about some things, so I don't spend every waking moment on hands and knees with a scrub brush. We live in a 180 year old house, after all, and there is just only so much you can do. But I do strive to keep the clutter minimal (regular purges are a necessity, as is having specific places for things to go!) and teach everyone to clean up after themselves.

    I also find that these feelings you describe (that I often share) are symptomatic of some deeper psychological issue I haven't tackled in my life (or therapy-ha!) What does that chaos and disorder represent to me? What do I think will happen if I let something be? I'm all for functionality (and it sounds like your kitchen wasn't) but I have also learned to let some little things go. Would I prefer them to be a different way? of course, yes. But I am not fun to live with when I insist on having everything just so. (And neither is my spouse).

    For me, it is more restful to be in an orderly and clean environment, and I grew up in an exceedingly clean and neat house, so there is some of that going on.

    It sounds like this whole process has been super stressful and hard--I'm sorry for it! Renovations are just hard. I don't know how some couples do it on the regular. I hope you can find a restful place soon.

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    1. Juliana: Thank you for this thoughtful reply! Renos really do conflict with the need for order (to understate things hysterically). But what fascinates me is that you've got 4 kids and you manage this constant need for cleanness. I'm confident this quality is symptomatic of deeper issues for me! (I bank on that :-)) It's just surprising to me that I haven't yet delved deeply enough to resolve them because I've tried! I too grew up in a neat and orderly house so I'm sure there's something going on. My goal for the next month is to consider my need to act before getting up and acting. I may not be able to stop myself in the beginning, but I've come to terms with noise sensitivity in many fundamental ways over the past 3 years. This issue is up!

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  5. As for the trades -if I've hired you to do a job it's because I don't have the time, tools, strength, or skill to do it myself so it had better be good.

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    1. I know! I never thought that I might do something better than someone whose whole career is based on expertise. But the truth is, artisanal ability is as much about care and exploration as it is about knowing what to do and going rote. I didn't hire handymen (which isn't to say that a handyman can't do incredibly artisinal work if so inclined - just mean to say that I paid more to work with licensed trades because of the value I place on excellence and I don't feel like that paid off on more than a couple of occasions...)

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  6. I have a friend (really!) who feels as you do and she was finally diagnosed with ADD. She underwent a battery of tests and was surprised this was her diagnosis as apparently ADD is much more than kids who can’t sit still in class. It was making her crazy. She simply could not sit in her living room of her beautiful house and read a book because the baseboards needed dusting, for example. She asked me how I handled it; I shrugged and said, “If it’s a good book, I’ll get lost in it. Even if someone was in my house, they probably wouldn’t notice the baseboards, and if they did, they wouldn’t care.” This was antithetical to her entire existence. She was wearing herself out, so she went on medication and is doing much better now and practicing self care with success. Not to say you may have ADD, but you might want to consider it FWIW.

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    1. Kim - what a fascinating comment! My child has ADD (has gone through the 8000 tests etc.) and it never occurred to me that I could too - I just assumed she got it from Scott! :-) I'm going to take this under advisement because no one has ever suggested this may be the origin of my OCD but this resonates. Food for thought. Thank you!

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  7. I have weird compulsions that no one understands (like my need for a spotlessly clean shower--the rest of my house can be messy, but the shower MUST be clean!! My husband has finally learned to accept it, but he doesn't understand it at all.) And don't even get me started on toilets!!

    I used to be more particular about things, but then I started doing them myself--that's the fastest way to get over it. We do our own home remodeling, and while we don't bother with super fancy (the neighborhoods we live in would never justify it from a resale standpoint), we like knowing that we did it ourselves and the pride in that overcomes most of the nitpicks. Because honestly, most people are so impressed that you made your own cabinets or whatever, unless you just did a super sloppy job, they are amazed. And yes, there's something small that usually bothers me about every project, but over time it just becomes part of the charm of something you made with your own hands. And honestly we're finally getting into the skill level where whatever we make looks at least as good as anything we can buy in our budget (but with better materials).

    So yeah, I'm probably not much help, since you aren't a do-it-yourselfer, but I'm pretty sure that's the secret.

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    1. I'm inclined to agree about doing things for oneself. I'm moving more in that direction all the time but work occupies a lot of my time (especially lately) and I'm so exhausted by the end of the day or week that crafting seems to be the extent of my DIY impulse. And I'm glad to know you have your own "weird compulsions"!

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  8. I have areas where I need order, for sure, BUT when we left that island home we lived in for 20+ years after having done a major reno/reconstrution, there were several windows -- and these were windows looking out to our ocean view -- that still had the stickers on. Half-peeled away, yes, and once or twice there'd been a ladder and some scraping. But never did we get out some nail-polish remover and get the job done. So I guess I'm self-indicted and would be convicted by any jury at all. . .
    I notice the stuff -- that the electrical plates for light switches and thermostat were placed unthoughtfully on the wall -- but decide I'm mostly going to tolerate rather than putting energy into fixing. . . . I guess because otherwise I'm pretty sure I couldn't get the stuff done that I really want to do, but also probably because my constitution allows me to tolerate. (I do have a shibboleth or two, though: any sinks, faucets, or toilets must be obviously microbe-intolerant)

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  9. I find myself simultaneously OCD about order and totally slothful, mostly because I can't bear for things not to be done properly. Imperfect/incomplete tidying and cleaning bothers me more than anything. So if there's no time/energy for a perfect job, I often just let it slide entirely. This odd combo makes for a somewhat stressful existence, because I hate the clutter and the mess that accumulates in the meantime!

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  10. In my teenage years I remember being very OCD. I was tidy to the point of being crazy about it. I convinced myself that bad things would happen if my shoes weren't lined up straight, stuff like that. I shared a room with one of my younger sisters and she was the complete opposite- messy beyond belief.
    After I got married, but before my 3 kids were born, I carried on almost in the same direction. Once they came along, I slowly loosened the reins and became a bit less phobic about dirt , but I did like things to be organized. I also saw how passing judgement on my sister (now an adult) regarding how messy her house was, was very hurtful, and not helpful in the grand scheme of things, so I stopped nagging her too. I am glad I was able to let that one go, as she passed away this year and it allowed us to have a much happier relationship before she went. My house is neat and tidy, but not very up to date. That is mostly a deliberate decision not to replace things that still work and fix what we can, so we could retire early.
    My daughter showed most of the same characteristics growing up, and is now super tidy and organized...is it nature or nuture? Not sure. Interesting post and comments.
    Barb

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