Saturday, July 16, 2016

Pain in the Ass (Amongst other Places)

I don't know whether to be grateful or grudging that pain returned at the onset of a much needed vacation. It's still here - though shifting (and becoming more malleable with awareness. While the time away brought some awesome moments, it culminated in yet another awful stress. My mother-in-law was in a pretty serious car accident. Miraculously, she's alright (physically, anyway). The car, not so much. It's totaled. But it means more things to worry about. My husband is most definitely having the chance to see aging in action - like, writ large - with all of the responsibility that being one's adult child entails. Really, this fucking age-and-stage shit is not our jam. (Note: Scott really is handling things admirably.)

I realize that I spend a lot of time on this blog complaining or, as I like to call it, being honest. (I like to think that I also spend a lot of time on this blog being positive or an occasional resource for others or a momentary good read.) The fact is that I can only write about where I'm at, and who I am, at any given moment.

Sometimes, I'm the crazy yarn stash-buster. Other times, such as today, I'm the lady who has - in the last 2 weeks - somehow managed to accumulate more stash than she actually busted on her recent, serious stash-busting mission (which was a success). Don't worry - I have a very exciting post about that coming up. If you like to watch rationalization in action, that is.

I'm also that half-mathy / half-half-assed intuitive sewist, who's having a super time refining the Appleton dress - and top - over these past few days. I'm going very slowly because, well, I feel like I'm a hundred and like I've been hit by a bus. Moreover, I don't know what the rush is. I have enough dresses to wear on Monday.

FYI, the osteopath, like the massage therapist, believes I have dislocated my tailbone. If this is the case, it should be a fairly easy (but unpleasant) fix. And while I'm pleased to know that the immediacy of my butt pain will likely be temporary, the metaphor is both hilarious and seemingly eternal (at least these days).

Peeps, I live in this body. I know it very well (even as it evades me with its complexity). My lower back/hip/sacral/coccyx pain may be fixable at the extreme (and thank God for that!), but this is related to my other intermittent chronic pain. I can feel it. And I've spent the last four weeks (often standing for an hour at a time) going through the highs and lows. The low: it's horrid. The high: it's fucking experiential. I feel my structural interrelatedness with increased clarity. Before the pain was a cement block, now it's a series of calibrated layers. My awareness increases with every phase. I'm getting better at this, even if the pain isn't falling away. To feel one's body is a great privilege, even if the sensation is the product of a faulty feedback loop. This sensation is a gift, even as it's a curse. It shows me, viscerally, how everything is just the product of perception.

Here's the thing, I don't know if I'm going to have this issue (on and off as it is) for another year or another 5 years or for the rest of my freakin' life. (Note: I truly do not believe it will last for the rest of my life because I believe I can resolve it with awareness and change. My money's on me. For whatever reason, I really do believe in myself. Moreover, hormones will change.) Alas, I don't appear to be the fastest learner.

I have come up with an interesting practice - approximately 20 minutes of work with the MELT roller (I do my own "poses" which target the trigger points), followed by another 25-30 minutes of gravity-based yoga. What is this? Well, I don't know if it exists, as such, or if it's a technique I've devised from my experience of other schools of yoga. I do a series of poses. They can change but include those wherein I can use a either part of my body or a prop (sometimes elaborate, self-devised) to stabilize and ground another part of my body. I hold these poses for 10-15 minutes, increasing the intensity, very slowly, through various isometric micro-actions. These actions are not taken to extremes - the goal is to activate the pain source SO gently that it tricks the source, which then yields and the pain response diminishes. It's bizarrely subtle work. One mobilizes this action with slow, even breathing and conscious muscular breath control (pranayama).  It think it would be very hard to teach this.

Scott is increasingly of the opinion that I should do some weight-lifting (something that fills me with dread at the best of times and seems insane right now). He feels the issue might be exacerbated by muscle atrophy and that, at very least, the endorphins produced might reroute my pain response. I'm not on this page but, hey, desperate times. And he's lived through the entirety of my experience, if one step removed. We both spend a lot of time hatching plans that might improve crazy Kristin-pain.

Of course, life doesn't go into stasis just because one feels like shit. It's an interesting time in my career right now and I'd be unwise not to leverage it. So I'm using all of my tenacity - which is formidible, thankfully - to plow on.

At any rate, just wanted to check in on this topic. I sincerely hope that, if there are other readers out there who manage pain, that my updates may serve as community newsletter of sorts. We are not alone and we are capable of affecting change. We're also the poster children for goddamn fortitude. Here's to self-awareness. (Def toast with a good wine.)

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are back in pain. Your approach sounds interesting - the way you use your mind (in planning your MELT/yoga) to circumvent other mind-body circuitry, AKA pain. xoxox.

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    1. Ha! I'm using my mind to fuck with my mind! Meta.

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  2. Ouch. I hear you about back pain. Hip pain. Shoulder etc. Been there. Done the physio. Still doing my stretching whether I'm in pain or not and, as my physio recommends, my strengthening exercises when I'm not in pain. And to link all that to aging parent issues... my last bad back episode occurred after a 12 drive to my 88 year old mum's, a week in her spare room bed, and a 12 hour drive home. My physio (who happened to be my niece) commented..."Hmmm So you visit Grammy for a week and come home with a pain in your ass, eh? Coincidence?" Best physio line ever, I thought.

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    1. I love your niece/physio :-) Aren't you lucky to have an in-family expert!

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  3. The weightlifting isn't a bad idea. I'm 45, last fall had some awful left hip pain that I tried to help with yoga and MELT. It didn't really work, but my strength training routine I started 6 weeks ago has helped. I found a great trainer who does 1:1 sessions and small group classes, and it's been a unintimidating and motivating way to get into a routine.

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    1. I'm probably going to listen to him. We have access to the Y (we put membership on hold when we're not in a gym mood. For me that's practically all the time.) Just need to embrace the unknown (and fear of more pain produced by new activity). But really, what I'm doing right now isn't fixing the issue outright.

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  4. I agree with strength training. I had 8+ years of slowly intensifying SI/hip/ coccyx pain until it all came to an ugly head (triggered by a bad bout of stomach flu). It turned out to be spondyloarthritis. In an effort to get off the meds as much as possible, I turned to exercise, specifically weight training. I worked one on one with an trainer once a week, and it worked MIRACLES. I feel better and can manage my pain through all types of exercise, but nothing relieves the inflammation of my joints like my muscles taking over the job. I found especially with my hip/butt/tailbone pain, and with all the large and small muscle groups that tie into the area, they need to be at the top of their game to not tweak the joints and have a flare up. I hope that makes sense. Dedicated time lifting very heavy things did more for me and my pain than anything else. Good luck!

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    1. Samantha - that's awful! So sorry that you have had to go through this but thank you so much for sharing your experience. This really motivates me to give Scott's crazy idea a try :-) I'll keep you posted.

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    2. Of course! I completely understand being in pain and hearing stories of someone else who has had something similar and what worked for them. It helps get through the dark hours when you feel like you have a new plan of attack. The trainer I found had an interest in post-surgery clients (specifically hip surgery, which is what sealed the deal for me) so it was great to have someone knowledgeable there that not only told me what to do, but someone to complain to when a movement caused more pain. He would stop me, then adjust the exercise to fit with how I was feeling that day...less weight, limit range of motion, different exercise all together etc. We did a LOT of dead lifting kettle bells! Lol. So if you can find the right person, I'd definitely try and work with someone until you are out of your current pain cycle and feel comfortable working on your own without making anything worse. I understand the fear of making it worse, so having the right person to guide you through is invaluable!

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  5. I will 2nd (3rd?) the strength-training. I had lingering SI joint pain in my 20s and lifting weights (& stopping with any crunches or direct ab exercises) eliminated the issue for good. It hasn't troubled me since. I got far more lasting relief from building some muscle than from all the yoga/stretching/walking. Bands or tubing is a great way to start for a yoga person. Less intimidating than free weights or machines, & because you are using your own body to supply the weight/resistance, it's more intuitive for you.

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    1. Thanks for the corroboration! I'm going to do it. I just need to psych myself up which is tricky with the 42C temps we're having. I know, excuses, excuses!

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  6. Best wishes to you as you deal with these issues!

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  7. "I have a very exciting post about that coming up. If you like to watch rationalization in action, that is."

    LOL!!! Even your pain filled posts are funny! :) You'll do great with the weight training, btw. It may be a little intimidating now, but I think it's a lot easier than yoga!

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    1. I hope that stash post did the trick Anon :-)

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  8. Something to ponder?
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3492521/

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  9. Hope things look up soon! If you go the weightlifting route, I highly recommend the kettlebell!! I've been doing it on and off for a few years now (I'm back "on" right now), and you can't beat the combination of weights and cardio for a busy life! :-)

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  10. I think I'm going to start of much less hardcore than the kettlebell! I've seen those classes :-)

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